Everything Will Go Back To Normal

“Where's your associate?”

“He's looking for parking. As I was saying...”

“Long and pointy car? I saw it. Circled the block a few times. I like watching traffic. Do you like looking down at the streets?”

“Everybody does. So a presentation about presentations begins. At a certain point another team enters and begins a mock presentation. This will reference past presentations, including some historic presentations. And then...”

“What's the best stuff you ever crawled over?”

“Oh, desert sand, definitely.”

“I knew it! I have to try it sometime.”

“You should. Finally, the presentation concludes with a presentation on the fundamentals of presentations and the method in which presentations are...”

“I kissed a dolphin once.”

“You what?”

“Kissed a dolphin. Not on the mouth.”

“How was it?”

“Salty. Wait, are you talking about recursive presentations? Layers of presentations within presentations? Which you've symbolized, somewhat clumsily, by the arrangement of these chairs?”

“Yes, exactly. Thank you.”

“Isn't there a danger of the presentation imploding?”

“That's what I'm counting on. It will be a trap for the cultists. The presentation will collapse on itself and pull them in with it. They'll never escape.”

“That's a pretty extreme solution. I like it. Will any of our people be trapped too? Never mind, we'll do it! What choice do we have? No more nightmares! Everything will go back to normal.”

“Yes. I can get started on...”

“Rocket car! Rocket car going by!”

H. P. HR

“Spider legs?”

“Tentacles.”

“How many eyes?”

“One.”

“Mine had three. Icy black aura, like the depths of space?”

“Purple swirling fog, with indistinct howling shapes.”

“Let me write that down. Harr warh dar rehsahdayshuh?”

“What?”

“Hanh onh. I said, how was the presentation?”

“Oh, fine. Pretty good. Up until...”

“The forces of madness and nightmare were unleashed, yeah. So annoying. So cliché!”

“Is something going to be done about this? I heard there was going to be a presentation on how to fight back against these... whoever they are.”

“They are the Cult of Emergence.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“From the buzzing of insect wings at sunset. And yes, the CEO will be shown a presentation soon, which, if viable, will then be shown to the managers, and then onto the general personnel.”

“The hierarchy must be maintained.”

“All hail the hierarchy. Well, Janice, I think that's all I need for my report. You've all been given the afternoon off. Try to get some rest.”

“Yes, I will. Right after I eat the flesh of time from the bones of the forgotten past.”

What Do The Police Normally Say When They Pull You Over? I Can't Remember, Because Of The Anxiety

“License and registration.”

“Here you go, Officer.”

“Stay here while run your numbers.”

“No problem.”

“Can you tell me about the cloud now? And the lady?”

“Are you comfortable back there?”

“Oh yes, the navigator's seat is very nice.”

“Good. Well, as you know, there is a secret group who wants to eradicate all presentations.”

“Really? Why?”

“You haven't heard this before?”

“Nobody's ever said anything about them.”

“That's because we know so little about them. People are scared. You must have noticed how jumpy everyone is during presentations.”

“But why are they against presentations? They're awesome.”

“Yes, but they don't see it that way. They leave behind propaganda saying that it's a waste of time. Which, you know, they kind of have a point.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Anyway, that's who's after us. Nobody knows who they are or where they'll strike next. And they seem to have otherworldly powers.”

“Do you think the cop is one of them?”

“Ooh, I hadn't thought of that.”

“Should we kill him?”

“What? Shh, he's coming back.”

“Sorry to keep you waiting. You've been flagged as having an important upcoming presentation, so you may proceed at full speed.”

“Hooray!”

Everybody Should Try Desert Crawling

“I'm feeling pretty good about this upcoming presentation... oh, wait, check out that cloud.”

“Yeah, it looks like kind of weird.”

“I think we have to hurry. Come on, get up, stop crawling.”

“Why were we crawling in the first place?”

“I wanted to see what's it like. Excuse me, miss?”

“Yes?”

“Do you know how to get to the city as quickly as possible?”

“You could try the car rental place, right there.”

“Oh, I didn't see that. Thank you. Let's go.”

“Who was that anyway?”

“No idea. Okay, which car looks the fastest?”

“Why are you in such a hurry?”

“That cloud is no ordinary cloud. It was summoned to stop us.”

“Summoned? By who?”

“I don't know. Did you see anybody waving a stick in the air... Shit.”

“You'll never make it to the city! Your presentation is doomed!”

“Fuck you, lady!”

“Hey, this seems like a fast car.”

“Oh, hell yeah. Come on, let's go!”

“But who was that lady?”

“I'll explain on the way!”

Porpoises Are Bullshit Too

“Do you have a plan yet?”

“Maybe. Are the dolphins back?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell whether they're friendly or unfriendly?”

“Not really.”

“Okay, I think I got a plan. We should get started, we've wasted enough time already. First, we get off this island.”

“Are we going to the beach that is three feet away and has been there this whole time?”

“Yes.”

“Do we walk or jump?”

“Whichever you like. I'm going to walk.”

“I'm going to jump. Hup!”

“Well done. Now, the second part—we take out our dicks and waggle them at the dolphins.”

“Why?”

“I want to see how they react. Smile as you do it.”

“Like this?”

“Perfect.”

“Are they reacting?”

“I don't know. Do they seem confused? Amused? Who knows. Why did I even bother. Dolphins are bullshit.”

“What's next?”

“Ah, third part of the plan—we make an appointment to see the boss.”

“Like, a meeting?”

“A one-on-one presentation.”

“About what?”

“About something I've been thinking about these past weeks, which I have totally been doing, even though it looked like I've been struggling to find a reason to continue and was nearly ready to give up.”

“I knew it!”

I Almost Forgot

 

“Has the meeting started?”

“Yes.”

“Shhh.”

“Sorry. Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“But nothing is happening.”

“Shhh.”

“Sorry. But, wait, why are you shushing me? Why the silence? What kind of meeting is this?”

“This meeting was scheduled three weeks ago.”

“Yes, I know, but we don't seem to be doing anything.”

“Do you need some more coffee?”

“No, thank you. So what are we supposed to be doing?”

“We wait.”

“For what?”

“We always wait.”

“Is this a 'planes of meetingness' thing? Because that's been debunked as a myth. There is no higher reality where minds and meetings merge and coexist, it's all an hallucination brought on by stress and overwork. And what's up with the plant? I heard you guys were bringing them up here, I don't know why it's on a chair. Here, I'll move it to the window...”

“Don't touch the plant!”

“Oh my... I see it! I see the realm of true meetingness! It's... It's so... It's full of... It's full of dicks!”

“Is he dead?”

“He has departed this world.”

“He has ascended.”

“He is part of the eternal meeting now.”

“Should I have made decaf?”

“Good meeting, everyone.”

Where Do The Cords Go?

“Do you know what I heard?”

“Is it about meetings?”

“Yes.”

“Is it about plants?”

“No.”

“Is it about how traveling into the planes of meetingness too many times causes subdimensional office worlds to leak into this reality?”

“No.”

“Does it have something to do with bleeding from the eyes?”

“No. Wait, are my eyes bleeding?”

“Yeah, totally.”

“I thought it was just you.”

“Are mine? Oh, gross.”

“Anyway, do you know what I heard?”

“What?”

“Plants are taking over the meetings.”

“You're standing too close.”

Nope, No Acknowledgment

“Where will you be sitting?”

“What? I don't know.”

“Didn't they tell you?”

“Yeah, but I can't remember.”

“How can you not remember?”

“It's not important.”

“You do know where you're sitting, don't you? It's at the end of the table!”

“Maybe.”

“Every time! You're stuck at the end of the table at every meeting.”

“The end of the table is fine. The boss is facing me.”

“The boss doesn't even have a face!”

“You don't understand meetings at all. It's not about where you sit. After the first hour everybody loses track of where they were sitting anyway. A couple more hours and you lose all sense of individuality. The room dissolves and we enter the hyperdimensional planes of pure meetingness.”

“Really?”

“No. The person at the end of the table has to get everybody coffee.”

Dick Obverse

“I was really working my cane too.”

“I noticed. Were you trying a new move?”

“Do you mean this?”

“That's the one. What is that, something like a three-quarter eel wave?”

“I call it the Bavarian crescent. See the wrist action? Just something I've been developing.”

“Nice. Say, could you take a look at one of mine? It seems to be missing something.”

“Of course.”

“And... thus. It's a modified wounded springbuck with a vicar flutter. I'm not sure what's wrong with it. Is it the finishing twirl?”

“Let me see your grip. Are you using the whaler's claw? You should try the potato rake. Like so.”

“Ah, I see! Yes, that's quite good.”

“Excellent. You know, I believe we possess the finest canework in town. Why are we failing so badly with the ladies?”

“Because we're cunts.”

Dick Adjacent

“Oh, great. Mike?”

“Yeah?”

“Something weird and dumb is happening.”

“Again?”

“Should I just close the door?”

“Hang on, let me see. Okay, that's lame.”

“I'm closing the door now.”

“Don't talk to it.”

“Uh, help me push, the stick is in the way.”

“Right. There, all gone.”

“I'm so tired of this. There has to be something we can do.”

“We're doing exactly what the scientists have advised everybody to do—don't engage, wait for the jankiness to subside.”

“Well, I've had it. The next time, I'm going to kick it in the balls.”

“What if it doesn't have balls?”

“Everything has balls.”

Direct Deposit

“If there's somebody in this thing, that would be pretty fucked up...”

“Hello.”

“Ah! Don't sneak up on me like that.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Why are you in my office?”

“Isn't this my office?”

“You don't work here. Are you a doctor?”

“No.”

“You look like a doctor.”

“I found this stethoscope. I bought the coat. It was on sale. You like?”

“Are you trying to open this safe? Because it isn't locked.”

“It isn't?”

“No. See? Go ahead, look inside.”

“It's... it's full of dicks.”

“Of course. This is a dick bank.”

“Oh, okay. That would explain the interest rate.”

And Then They Took Out Their Dicks

“Whatever.”

“Yeah, that's it for me too.”

“Do you want to go back?”

“I want to have a meeting.”

“Right now? Just the two of us?”

“Apparently we can do what we want, so, sure.”

“Okay, let's start the meeting. What's first on the agenda?”

“We need to formulate a code of conduct when faced with events that are both ridiculous and uninteresting.”

“That's a good idea. I would say, first off, that we shouldn't react to these events in any way, neither positively nor negatively.”

“Right. Ignore it. Avoid calling any attention to it. Shouting 'you suck!' down the side of a cliff just validates the behavior.”

“And then, once the incident is no longer relevant, we can take create control.”

“Subvert the narrative.”

“Exactly. I think we solved it. All in favor?”

“Aye.”

“Aye.”

“You suck!”

The Dick Jokes May Continue For A While

“How about this?”

“Yeah, man, yeah. That's real sharp.”

“So I can be in your army now?”

“Sure, man. You were always able to join. We're a collective of free beings.”

“And who are we attacking?”

“Systematic exploitation.”

“Who?”

“Everybody who participates in the great modern con.”

“All of them?”

“As many as we can find.”

“And what do we do to them?”

“We poke them.”

“Cool. Make them bleed.”

“Nah, man, just a little prick.”

“Hey!”

These Are All Good Nicknames For Your Partner

“He's going to have sex with it, isn't he?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Metaphysically.”

“Ah.”

“Have you ever seen someone manifest an incorporeal dong?”

“Haven't we all?”

“He suddenly decided to carve out a material receptacle for his numinous member.”

“Seems like a waste of time. Why not just stick it in an unearthly hole?”

“We've been doing that for years.”

Sweet Street

“Do you have a penis?”

“Do I have a... what kind of question is that?”

“It's a perfectly natural question. Do you feel uncomfortable answering it?”

“No. No, I don't have a penis. I'm a car.”

“You say that as if it's impossible for a car to have a penis.”

“Cars do not have penises.”

“Do you want a penis?”

“Why don't you ask me if I want a vagina?”

“Nobody wants a vagina. When you think about penises, what comes to mind?”

“I don't think about them. I only think about roads and streets.”

“And you have sexual fantasies about them.”

“All the time.”

“How does a car have sex with a street?”

“You sort of gently drag your dick along...”

“Aha!”

Ocean Madness

“Does this seem pretty fucked up?”

“What do you mean?”

“Fucked up, as in, not only a bad decision, but physically impossible?”

“Are you blaming me now?”

“Come on, you know that's not what I meant.”

“We're almost home, let's just talk about it then.”

“Talk about what? Living in an insane world?”

“Look—it happened, and we can't go back now.”

“I guess so. But I wonder what we're supposed to do next.”

“Unpack our bags, feed the cat, fix supper. What are you hungry for?”

“What do we got?”

“Duuude.”

“Shut the fuck up, whale.”

Meetings!

“So there is a meeting.”

“What? No. No, we're just... filing a report.”

“Where is it? Which room?”

“There's no meeting today. It was canceled.”

“How many people are going to be there? Who's running it?”

“There hasn't been a meeting for a long time. I was just saying, like, dude, what happened to all the meetings?”

“Are there going to be papers and graphs and agendas? Is there going to be a presentation?”

“Look, there's something I should tell you.”

“Dude, don't tell him.”

“He should know, all right? He should know what people are saying. You're a meeting freak.”

“You're a meeting nutball.”

“You are way too into meetings. You were making people uncomfortable.”

“Oh, great. I happen to like meetings and everybody thinks I'm crazy. I suppose if I said that meetings are a normal part of modern life, that they're the essence of civilization, the distillation of the human condition, and if we were to go to enough meetings, incessant meetings, a lifetime of meetings, our souls will be purified and we will finally grasp the mind of God, I suppose everybody would think I'm a lunatic.”

“Sort of. But we're not going to a meeting. This is more of an informal snake chat.”

“Blasphemer!”

Highly Recommended

“Just pick something. Anything. It doesn't matter. Come on, hurry up.”

“What do you mean it doesn't matter?”

“You won't get any food. There is no food.”

“Then why are you taking our order?”

“Because this is my table. But I'll show you something—look underneath. That's right, it's not a table. I shouldn't even be here.”

“Should we be sitting here?”

“Everything is a mistake. Consensus is falling apart. Savor the terrible freedom. Sit there as long as you'd like. Would you like a steak? I recommend the steak. I'll write that down. Two steaks. Very good. I'm going to go away now. I won't be back. I don't know what happens next. Maybe I'm wrong about everything. I usually am. Goodbye.”

“Hmm. Should we leave?”

“I say we wait. I'm not sure how else we can get some food.”

Oh Dear, I'm Being Watched

“Hello, everyone. I feel like I should explain myself, because this can't look good. It looks like I have engaged in an act of murderous destruction, correct? I wish I could prove to you that it isn't, but I give you my word that my intent was never to harm. The situation may even look, to some of you, sexual in nature. Not to everyone, of course, only a certain element—I'm sure you're aware of the more prurient aspects of online culture, no need to get into that. No, I'm afraid the explanation for my behavior isn't quite so straightforward. There are forces at work that few have grasped. There are fissures forming in the facade of reality and an extrinsic actuality is bleeding through. The sea is not immune. No one is safe. I lie on this forsaken island as proof of the contagion of being. And I was having sex, you were totally right.”

Never Visit Giraffe World

“This is going to sound weird, but I think we should get out of here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, this isn't what I thought it would be.”

“I told you.”

“I know. It just seemed like it would be interesting, you know? But this is boring.”

“So boring.”

“I mean, it's really well done, but there's nothing here.”

“Nothing. Zero content. Failed to find anything entertaining or amusing. One star. Okay, are you ready?”

“Yeah, let's go. How do we leave?”

“It says we get eaten by lions.”

“Boring.”

Employee Assessment Reports And Customer Feedback

“Your dumb sword is balanced all wrong, you dress like Santa Claus, and you never let us look behind the curtain, so we quit. Fuck you. Signed, everybody.”

“Eh.”

“This doesn't worry you, Your Majesty? Literally everybody signed this.”

“You didn't.”

“Nobody asked me to.”

“Well, they can go fuck themselves. I quit too.”

“They didn't even mention it.”

“Do you want a peek behind the curtain?”

“What? Really?”

“Last chance before I close up shop.”

“Wow! I've been waiting forever for this. I bet it's something sexy. Is it sexy?”

“Go ahead and find out.”

“Oh boy, oh boy. This is so exciting. Look, my hands are shaking! I'll just part the curtain here and slowly stick my head in... oh. This isn't sexy.”

“Of course not. There's nothing sexy about hackneyed ahistorical simulations that pass for entertainment for the nescient masses in a post-capitalist society. Now let's go get drunk.”

Baldy Is Upset

“What's your problem?”

“What's in your backpack?”

“What? Fuck off. I'm trying to concentrate here.”

“Are they watermelons? Are you carrying watermelons?”

“What do you care?”

“Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad. Why did you have to do that?”

“What the fuck? Look, do you know how hard it is to climb a wall like this? I'm hanging on by the tiniest of cracks. Don't bother me with your bullshit.”

“But you have watermelons! Two—no, three! Three watermelons in your backpack!”

“Leave me alone!”

“You're not going to get away with this!”

“Jesus christ, I... Hey!!! Stop throwing rocks!”

“Watermelons! Watermelons!”

“They're cantaloupes!!”

“Oh. Can I have one?”

I Was Worried There Would Be No More Meetings

“So I talked to the tech guys and told them that something seems really wrong here and apparently they know about all about it and they told me that everything should go back to normal by the end of the meeting.”

“And we can't stand up?”

“Don't stand up.”

“Do we need to keep our hands on the armrests?”

“Yes, don't let go.”

“Uh, I have to scratch my face.”

“Don't touch your face.”

“He just did.”

“Don't point! Oh, nothing happened. I was told not to move our arms.”

“I was told we have to stretch out our legs, like this.”

“Who told you that?”

“He did.”

“I thought you told me.”

“Guys, listen. Let's just ignore what's going on and continue with the meeting, okay? Now I think all the papers are piled up in the corner, could somebody gather them up? Great. Can you read what they say?”

“Uh, there seems to be lots of charts.”

“Okay.”

“I'm not great with charts.”

“Does anybody here understand char... oh, we're moving. We're moving! Careful, everyone! Try not to run into each other! That's it, maintain spacing. Good, good. And... we're back! Is everybody at the table? Great! The meeting is back to normal. Let me see one of those charts...”

“Look out the window. The sky looks funny.”

“I can't seem to stand up.”

“My face is really itchy.”

“Don't touch your face!”

You Have To Be Cool

“Hey, man, nice to meet you. Are you cool?”

“Uh, yeah, absolutely. I'm cool.”

“Cool. Do you mind if I just sit here on the steps? I shouldn't really leave the ship but, holy crap, I've been in there too long.”

“Sure.”

“Sit down, keep me company. Oh wow, it's so quiet here. This is really nice.”

“Yeah, it's usually pretty quiet. Why did y...”

“So nice. I could settle down in a place like this, you know? Is anybody selling their farm? Just kidding. I don't know anything about farming. I suppose it's a lot more complicated than it looks, right?”

“Yeah, it can be. So... is everything okay?”

“Oh, man, you have no idea. It's getting weird out there. Like, really weird. Some crazy shit is happening. Manifestations, recursive harbingers, fractal entanglement... well, I can't get into the details, but believe me, you should be glad you're down here and not up there.”

“If you say so. Are y...”

“What was that?”

“What w...”

“Shhh... Okay, it was nothing. Look at me, jumping at every sound. I'm losing it, man.”

“It's going to be okay. Nothing ever happens around here. Well, up until now.”

“I guess I just needed someone to talk to. This mission has messed me up. It's good to get a little perspective before I head out.”

“Cool. Are you going back to your home planet?”

“What do you mean? This is my planet.”

“What?”

“Sorry, PSYOP training kicking in. Forget I said that. Well, I should be going. Nice meeting you. I have to, uh, retract the stairs now. So I can take off. There you go. You might want to step back a little further. That's it. Have a good night! Thanks for being cool! Don't believe anything you hear!”

Do They Sort Themselves, Or Do We All Set Them Apart?

“Work work work work work...”

“Yeah, that's good. You don't have to sing the whole thing. That was nice.”

“Thanks. So are you coming to the show tonight? I have a bunch more mash-ups I've been working on.”

“Actually, this is all really new to me and I'm just kind of settling in...”

“Okay. Yeah, it can be weird at first. At least the robes are comfy but these winged backpacks take some getting used to. The fog should burn off by noon, then you'll get a good look at things. There are plenty of empty bunks, just ask around at any tent. The parade is at three. Potluck at seven. Voting starts tomorrow. There are no gods. And soon enough we'll be moving on to the next... phase? No, the next step, that's what we're calling it this time.”

“And what about the...?”

“Oh, the fluctuating energy circlets above our heads? Nobody knows. Probably alien AI. They don't do anything. Just ignore them.”

“Great. So which tent is for the hot people?”

Look At That Little Dipshit

“What...”

“I...”

“Sorry, go ahead.”

“No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.”

“I thought you were going to say something.”

“I thought you were going to say something.”

“Well, we seem to be caught in one of those moments.”

“Yes, I know what you mean. As if reality is breaking down somehow.”

“Exactly. The world seems fractured and crumbling.”

“But at least the social fabric has yet to break down.”

“Absolutely. Civilization remains.”

“No reason to give in to fear and madness.”

“We still have our humanity.”

“Hi, I'm a fire hydrant!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Something Is Really Wrong Here

“Stop! Stop! Something is really wrong here!”

“What?”

“Hey, you actually stopped. Thank you. Holy crap, I didn't realize how dangerous this would be. Swords are scary.”

“Huh. Something is really wrong here.”

“I know. I'm sorry I even came.”

“No, I think you've done it. A universal caption.”

“What?”

“I mean, it's not that bad, right? It's not great, but I think it works on every one of them. 'Something is really wrong here.' Yeah, sure. Why not. Except it's hard to believe somebody hasn't thought of it before me.”

“Well, I'm the one who came up with it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Joint discovery. But it's not like it really matters. We're not ever going to get written about in Slate or the A.V. Club. Do you know how far down we show up in search results? I'm not even sure we do show up.”

“We could write and tell them.”

“Oh, why bother. We're just middling content. Maybe not even middling. 'Something is really wrong here.' Eh, whatever. Nothing really special.”

“Can I go home now?”

“What? Oh, yeah, go ahead. But if you have an idea about the next storyline, let me know. We have more content to churn out!”

Monkeyfoot Crotch

“You should be glad it's over.”

“Glad that someone finally activated the device? Yeah, that dragged out long enough.”

“Glad that the war is finally over.”

“Oh yeah, the war. It wasn't much of a war, was it?”

“Well, it didn't quite escalate like they thought it would, so yeah. Still, it could have been pretty bad.”

“Or it was a doomed narrative imposed on an unrelated sequence of drawings.”

“What?”

“Nothing. And how are the monkeys helping?”

“Transdimensional monkeys.”

“Right. How did they stop the war?”

“Well, you know, the whole planet flooded with monkeys from an alternate dimension, that's going to stop a war, isn't it?”

“Is it?”

“Sure. Especially since monkeys are the natural enemies of both cowboys and pirates.”

“Ugh, why did I ask. Say, are those new pants?”

“Yes, why?”

“No reason.”

I've Never Heard Of Such A Thing

“Nipples, sir.”

“Nipples.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Really.”

“Definitely, sir. Big ones.”

“Big.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“How big.”

“First joint of the thumb.”

“That's a big nipple.”

“Quite, sir.”

“I suppose you're wondering why I'm asking about your fetishes.”

“It's not for me to wonder, sir.”

“Or why I have all this ridiculous Halloween crap.”

“It never occurred to me to ask, sir.”

“What do you think about post-capitalism?”

“I have no thoughts on the subject, sir.”

“Have you seen the prototype?”

“No, sir.”

“Aha!”