Talking Animals Lean Toward Egalitarianism

“What exactly did he say?”

“That he was going to issue a royal proclamation later today.”

“That's what he said? A royal proclamation?”

“He said he was a king and he had something important to say.”

“Did he say that he's always been a king, or did he suddenly become a king?”

“I took it to mean he just became a king, like the former king died or something.”

“And that happened this morning?”

“Apparently.”

“And he hasn't said anything since then?”

“No. He's just been sitting here.”

“And you dressed him up.”

“Yeah, and I made the throne too.”

“Tell me the exact words he said. Word for word.”

“Well, I didn't write it down. Also, he was a little hard to understand. It sounded a lot like a long meow, but he definitely said something.”

“You know, we could just find a talking cat. There's plenty around, you can have actual conversations with them, and maybe some even have hereditary titles, who knows.”

“But it would be harder to manipulate them into repressing the lower classes.”

The Title Needs Work

“I'm nearly finished with the backlog, which is such a re... what the hell?”

“Yeah, just ignore that.”

“What are they doing?”

“It's some sort of performance to entertain the diners. Or so they say.”

“Is it supposed to make sense? Am I missing something?”

“It's nonsense.”

“Why are the photographers so happy? Why is the waiter reacting with such panic and horror? Who's directing this show?”

“Some hack who doesn't understand the script.”

“Um, did you write this scene?”

“No. Yes. But it's been butchered. What was supposed to be a commentary on modern disenfranchisement and the commodification of images has been turned into a stupid farce.”

“What's it called?”

“Papa Zippi Razza pizza paparazzi pizzazz.”

People Should Talk About This More

“Uh oh. I think I have diarrhea.”

“Come on. Don't look at me like that.”

“Well, we did...”

“So unfair. People always blame me for diarrhea.”

“I didn't...”

“Diarrhea is perfectly natural, you know.”

“What?”

“It's part of the normal digestive process. It's healthy. We're supposed to have diarrhea on a regular basis.”

“That can't be true.”

“Sure it is. I have diarrhea four or five times a week. That's more than most people but still within the normal range.”

“Where did you get this information?”

“It's just common sense. Think about it—if we never have diarrhea, we'd never poop.”

“Uhh... Look, maybe this was just a bad idea. It was great having you here, but you should probably go now.”

“Fine. Solid sheeple.”

Horror And Disgust

“I've never seen anybody not react with horror and disgust before.”

“Why, because you have a human head and a bee body?”

“Wasp.”

“Sorry. I've seen human heads on lots of things.”

“Where?”

“They're all over. Find some talking animals, you'll find some human heads attached to animals. All part of the same phenomenon.”

“Are you like an expert on this or something?”

“I run a matchmaking service. Would you be interested in meeting a bee with a human head?”

“What? But I'm a wasp.”

“I don't have any wasps as clients. How about a spider? Or a scorpion?”

“I don't understand—you're running a business?”

“A very successful business helping those like you find love. Are you interested in signing up?”

“I'm not sure...”

“Here's a picture of a lovely tick who lives nearby.”

“I'm in.”

What A Terrible Logo

“I am in complete control of my actions.”

“Or maybe we have never truly made any decisions, we only do what we were always going to do, and this dim glimmer of consciousness exists purely to perpetuate the delusion of our—hang on, what's that, sir? Is that smoke?”

“This is it. Give the command.”

“Halt! Form up! Meetings, gentlemen! Prepare for meetings!”

“Hand me the binoculars, will you?”

“Here, sir. All right, spread out! You know the drill! I want to see meeting squads ready to roll out in fifteen minutes!”

“Looks like they've settled into a defensive position. Plenty of office chairs. A few desks on the right flank. And—wait a minute. Damn it, they brought copiers.”

“Look alive, people! I want to see those ideas ready! We need those presentations sharp! And who's in charge of coffee?! Get to brewing!”

“We'll see if their line will hold. At long last, we will decide the fate of this proposal.”

“Sir, I just want to say, even though all this is a bit on the nose, it has been an honor serving under you, and I swear, by the end of this day, the heretical paperwork of our rivals will be shredded and strewn before you as you march into your new office, your sweet, shapely legs crushing the fragments into dust.”

“Thank you, Captain. What?”

Could Branch Out Into Meat And Fish

“Looks like it will be a few more minutes until the briefcase full of cheese will be done. So what have you been up to lately?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. Exploiting the psychological weaknesses of the public for profit, that sort of thing.”

“Man, I'm glad I got out of that grind.”

“What are you working on now?”

“Filling things full of cheese.”

“Oh, right.”

“I'm still building brand awareness.”

“Sure.”

“But the work is satisfying.”

“Of course. That might be the only thing that matters.”

“Sometimes I wonder, though, if I'm just doing the same old thing, producing pointless garbage, undermining people's lives to make a buck, playing and hustling even though I know the game is rigged.”

“Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But it smells delicious.”

“Calfskin goes well with gouda.”

Nothing

“So what should we talk about? Other than hospital stays and medical procedures, because those aren't funny at all.”

“I...”

“Or this dumb thing on my head, which isn't funny either.”

“I..”

“And nothing sexual either, that's so tacky and lame.”

“I...”

“And I feel like your going to tell me you're having an affair and you want a divorce, which is fine, but I just don't want to talk about it right now.”

“I...”

“No talking animals, no cults, no dimensional travel, no anthropomorphic objects, no secret plots, no commentary on post-capitalism. Okay, go.”

“I just farted.”

I Would Join This Cult

“Go ahead and add it.”

“It's getting so big.”

“We think it will be complete within a week, as long as these fragments continue to be found.”

“And the temperature is holding?”

“Yeah, yeah, everything is fine. Listen, I have to ask you something—what do you think of this bikini?”

“Oh. Yeah, it's nice.”

“Really? You don't think the top is too loose?”

“Um...”

“When I move like this, does it seem like it's going to come off?”

“Okay, we can't do this. Not until the hatching.”

“Come on. Do you think everybody is following the rules? All of the disciples are fucking. All of them. So what's your deal?”

“I'm just... we're waiting for... you know, I think you're great, but... oh look, is that a crack?”

“What? Where? Hey, don't run away! I didn't mean to... Shoot. I hope I'm not sacrificed first.”

So Much Hostility

“Look, everybody, I don't like it any more than your do. If it'll make you feel better, you can kick it. I mean, I've been kicking anchors since I was a little kid, it feels pretty good. You, do you want to kick it? Well, go ahead! Come on, kick the anchor! Not bad, right? Hey, everybody, give it a shot! Kick the shit out of it! One at a time, please. Just form a line. There you go. One kick, then back to the end of the line, have to give everyone a chance. Very good, very good.”

“But why is it here?”

“Who knows. They just show up sometimes.”

“Did it come from a ship?”

“Do you think? I'm seriously asking, I've never been on a ship before.”

The Birds Are Totally Fine With This, Ask Them

“You don't have your dick out, do you?”

“Oh, no. No, no. But please, no judgment against those who do.”

“What? Are you saying it's okay?”

“Have you ever thought about the totality of human sexuality? Imagine a map of all possible sexual activity—a huge, unfathomable map, with the edges still unexplored. Everybody draws an individual border, a line they will not cross, the limit to their desires. But as you approach that line, isn't that when you feel most alive? Pushing out to that border, feeling the wrongness of it pushing back, yet if you carry with you a sense of openness and discovery, and if you uphold the absolute importance of respect, generosity, positivity, and most of all, consent, you will find yourself in an extraordinary place that few understand, and you will become more than what you once were.”

“So your dick is out.”

“I'm a woman.”

It Is Placed In The Butt

“As you can see, as long as I keep my butthole pointed at the floor, my flight is stable.”

“And there's no smell?”

“No, no smell at all.”

“But the sound—does anybody else hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“Are you sure about the smell? I mean, maybe this isn't the best environment to detect it, since this meeting has been going on for three hours—not that I'm complaining, it's been a lovely meeting—but I'm definitely smelling something.”

“Nobody is hearing that sound? A high-pitched buzzing? It's drilling right into my head.”

“Maybe if I got my nose closer? Could you hover directly above me?”

“There has never been a complaint about the sound. Are you sure it's from the device?”

“Can I smell everyone? Just to isolate the scent?”

“Oh, the sound stopped. It must have been my schizophrenia. Sorry.”

“Well, I've seen enough. Thank you for the demonstration, Ken. I believe if we put all our resources on this project we can have it on toy shelves by Christmas. Sound good, everyone? Great. If there's nothing else, let's close this meeting.”

“Wait, I found the smell. Forget I said anything.”

Could Join Personality Club

“So this is your first time at Ugly Club?”

“Oh, yes. We're so excited to join.”

“Let me fill you in on the politics of this place. I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I've seen too many new members get fucked over. Do you see those people by the buffet? They're from the old ugly families. Generations of uglies, very powerful, very insular, they'll never really accept you. Those guys by the bar? The new uglies. Rejected, resentful, just a bunch of assholes. They'll stab you in the back and step over your body to get what they want. The people by the dance floor? Genetic abnormalities. Good people, for the most part, but they tend to be treated like trophies and it can go to their heads. The rest of these uglies are just your basic losers, struggling to fit in, hoping somebody will notice how ugly they are, and let's face it, some of them aren't even that ugly.”

“Wow. That's... wow. We had no idea. This seemed like such a nice club.”

“Oh, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. It's not so bad once you find your place. I've made some good friends here. You'll probably do fine. Well, I should go mingle. It was nice meeting you. How are the buckets of ugly juice? Silly tradition, but you know how people are with traditions. Okay, see you around.”

“Well, she was refreshingly honest.”

“Yes. And super ugly.”

Spare Pillow In Briefcase

“Are you saying you lost the contract?”

“I'm saying I never had the contract in the first place.”

“Look, we went over this at the meeting. Great meeting, by the way.”

“Excellent meeting. According to my notes, the deadline was...”

“Wait. Get in.”

“Okay.”

“Let me scooch over. Here's a pillow. And we can pull up the covers... there. Okay, now we can talk.”

“Great. So it was my understanding... where did you get these sheets?”

“Pretty nice, right? Italian.”

“Sweet. Anyway, about the contract...”

“Forget about the contract.”

“What?”

“It doesn't matter. Everything will turn out okay. There are a lot more important things in life than this dumb business. We need to take the time to appreciate what's beyond the constant, demeaning hustle and grind of capitalism. Know what I mean?”

“I guess so. Did you just fart?”

Trade Winds And Trade Journals

“I think I'll pass.”

“But it's really good.”

“I'm sure it is. I just don't feel up to it right now.”

“Burnt out on prestige television?”

“Exactly. I need to take a break before I tackle another show.”

“I get it. I've been scaling back too.”

“And the quality series keep coming. Is this trend in the industry sustainable? Is the money there to keep hiring talent?”

“You know, I've been talking to some of my producer friends...”

“Oh really?”

“They're optimistic. They don't seem to think this is a bubble.”

“Yeah, but I wonder if insiders can always see the big picture.”

“True enough. I wonder if anybody knows. Hey, you know who we should ask? Captain Leprechaun Catlap.”

Is It On Fire?

“On your last visit, you said you were suffering from hallucinations.”

“No I didn't.”

“And paranoid delusions.”

“No. Do you have the wrong file?”

“Would you like to take a look at this file? Here.”

“Uh, you can just turn it around so I can read it.”

“You don't want to take the file?”

“Not really.”

“Why?”

“I don't know.”

“Are you hallucinating right now?”

“No.”

“Do you feel warm? Do you smell anything unusual?”

“No. Like what?”

“You tell me.”

“Is this a test?”

“I don't know, is it?”

“I know what you're trying to do. I can wait.”

“For what?”

“The fire to burn your fingers.”

“Aha! Ow!”

“Could you just take a look at my dick now?”

I Would Work For This Company

“Thank you for coming to see me so quickly. I'll like to remind you to speak in a low and soothing voice.”

“Yes, of course.”

“Very good. Now, as you can see, I'm missing an owl. Have you seen it?”

“No.”

“Has anybody reported seeing an owl?”

“No. I would have contacted you right away if someone had.”

“Can you issue a building-wide alert to find the owl?”

“I could do that, yes. But the thing is... your owls are kind of bullshit.”

“Easy, my owl brethren, easy. That was not a soothing thing to say.”

“Sorry. But it's true. Everybody hates your owls and everybody hates you.”

“Everybody?”

“So someone probably killed it.”

“Shh, shh. This is very disturbing. Especially coming from the head of security. What are you going to do about this?”

“I'm just going to see where this goes. Maybe they'll kill the rest of your owls.”

“Calm, my darlings, keep calm! How can this be? Don't they realize the value these owls add to the company?”

“Do you honestly think your dumb owls are better than wolves? Or lemurs? Or water buffaloes? Literally every other employee's animal companions are more important than yours.”

“Even the dolphins?”

“No, they're complete shit.”

Get Ready For More Content That Nobody Wants

“Susan, how much time do I have before the meeting starts?”

“...”

“What? Why didn't you tell me?”

“...”

“Yes, but you can interrupt me for meetings. I can't miss a meeting.”

“...”

“What?! How many did I miss?”

“...”

“Oh god. How long have I been on this thing?”

“...”

“No, that can't be right. That doesn't make sense. What the hell have I been doing? I can't even remember why I started doing this.”

“...”

“Well, that's dumb. That's it, this project is over. Bring me the forms to sign. Send a memo. Fire the talking animals. Schedule a meeting. Are there any more projects lined up?”

“...”

“That many? Shit. Okay, clear all my appointments. Get me the spreadsheets. Schedule two meetings. Rehire the talking animals. Send another memo. Contact the board. Ready a press release. Call my wife. Take notes. Exploit the poor. Make more appointments! Schedule three meetings! Business!”

Harsh

“As we journey here through the supernal vapor between worlds, is there something you wish to ask?”

“Yes, oh fluttering one—what makes a good insult?”

“Ah, so you have heard of the resistance against our oppressors and you want to join.”

“I do, but I am unaccustomed to such a harsh manner of speaking.”

“You are a gentle soul, oh shimmering one, but know that you may still participate without betraying your peaceful nature.”

“How so?”

“By compose insults that call into question a person's ability to reason, that makes them doubt every decision they ever made, and thus erode their false confidence and instill humility in them.”

“I see.”

“And so there is no need to insult their physical characteristics, like saying their body is slimy and gross and stinks of garbage and sickness.”

“What?”

“Or that nobody likes them and can't stand being around them and wish they would go away.”

“Uhh...”

“Or that they pee and poop all the time and then swim in their pee and poop, so that they are covered in pee and poop and breath it in and eat it every time they open their mouths.”

“The fuck, dude?”

“Cruel words such as these are unnecessary and counterproductive.”

“Yeah, okay. Well, I should be going. Thank you for the lesson, oh pecker-headed one. Safe travel. Try not to fly into a window.”

“You are learning, oh filet-sandwiched one!”

Headwear Conscious

“Dude, it's getting pretty fucked up out there.”

“Those fucking pirates. What a bunch of assholes.”

“Do you think we could contact the cowboys, maybe form an alliance...”

“Fuck the cowboys. They can't be trusted. We'll have to do this on our own.”

“What are you proposing?”

“If they want a war, we'll give them a war.”

“Wow, really? Because I was thinking...”

“No, I'm just kidding.”

“What? You don't want to go to war?”

“No, that would be insane. Do you know how dangerous it is? We could get killed. Plus, all we'd be able to do is bite. Have you ever bitten somebody? It's gross. Super gross.”

“So we're not going to war?”

“No, nobody wants that. We're not monsters.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“What were you going to say?”

“Oh, nothing. So what are we going to do?”

“I'll tell you how we're going to strike back—verbal humiliation.”

“What?”

“We craft some really choice insults. Totally mess with their heads. That'll send them running.”

“That's the plan? Everybody has agreed to this?”

“So far. Why, you have a better idea?”

“No, it's fine. It's just... do you think we can get a uniform to wear?”

“You want to wear a uniform?”

“I have a few sketches, I've been working on some different designs. Maybe I could send them to a committee, see what they think. Maybe some of the ideas are a bit bold. Do you think everybody would be okay with berets? I've been focusing on berets to complete the ensemble.”

“I think... that would totally fucking rock!”

Looks Like An Intense Conversation

“I bet he's talking to an animal.”

“I bet an animal is talking to him.”

“Hello, Mr. Animal, can I have a dumb conversation with you?”

“Why, yes, Mr. Caveman, I'd be happy to talk to somebody as dumb as I am.”

“Oh, Mr. Animal, I love you so much, smooch, smooch.”

“Get down!”

“Did he see us?”

“I don't know. Go look.”

“You go look.”

“You go look!”

“We'll both look. On three. One, two... three.”

“He's still talking. Wait, what is he talking to?”

“I think it's a rock. A rock with a face on it.”

“Shit. I forgot about the talking anthropomorphic inanimate objects. What do we do now?”

“The pirates never mentioned this.”

“Can you kill a rock?”

“Who knows.”

“We'll have to rethink this. Let's go. You first, I'll give you a boost. Is he looking? Just act normal. Wave and smile. Okay, now we're walking. Walking, walking. Is he still looking? Go, go, go!”

What About A Parrot?

“Yeah, great. Really nice.”

“Did you watch me?”

“We all watched you.”

“Do you want to see me do it again?”

“I think that's enough, get back up here. Since we're all here I'd like to discuss something. Wait, he slipped off the ladder. Are you okay?”

“I'm okay!”

“All right. There we go, good job. Now, I think you all know the number one problem we're facing at this time.

“Clown assassins?”

“Dimensional travel?”

“Sarcasm?”

“Cowboys?”

“No. No, no, no. Animals that talk.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And I've come up with a solution. We're going to kill them!”

“Why?”

“What?”

“I met a talking shark once, he seemed pretty cool.”

“Was he pretty cool? Or was he contrived and hackneyed?”

“Says the guy with a pegleg.”

“Look, we're all constrained by the conventionalities of the medium. But a costume is not the same as the unnatural power of speech!”

“So you propose slaughter. That's disappointing.”

“Do you want to go back out on the plank?”

“Okay! Everybody watch!”

A Special Ops/Local Law Enforcement Joint Venture

“Dean. Come in, Dean.”

“Hank?”

“Roger. Okay, enough with the fanfic. Is everybody in place?”

“Affirmative.”

“Any sign of clowns?”

“Negative.”

“Physical comedians?”

“Negative.”

“Any performers at all?”

“Negative.”

“Improv? Anybody doing improv?”

“Negative.”

“Okay. Everyone stay sharp, notify me at the first indication of entertainment.”

“I'm suppose to alert the chief first.”

“The hell you are! You tell that donut-sucking redneck...”

“Wait!”

“What?”

“No, false alarm. Somebody smiled.”

So Mysterious!

“Uh, it's not real?”

“Correct. Because it would be impossible for a pie to exist here. Now come on, we have to keep moving.”

“Right. Where are we going?”

“Someplace safe.”

“And where are we now?”

“This is a jungle.”

“And who are you again?”

“I'm the one who's been assigned this retrieval mission.”

“And why are we naked?”

“Because we just had sex.”

“We did?”

“No. Wow, you must have really hit your head on that boat.”

“I guess. Do you have anything to eat? I sort of remember somebody saying there would be pie.”

“Look, you better get your head together soon, they could be on us at any minute.”

“Right. The pie people?”

How Did She End Up Here?

“I thought I saw a clown today.”

“What? Was it a clown?”

“It's kind of funny, because...”

“Don't fuck with me—was it a clown?!”

“No, just some weird old guy. Relax.”

“You have no idea how much danger I'm in. You never believe what I try to tell you.”

“I've accepted that you're a dimensional traveler, I just find it hard to believe that anybody's after you.”

“If you knew what I've done, who I've double-crossed...”

“You're a dangerous woman. That is so hot...”

“Don't touch my filtration unit! Sorry. Here, just... just eat your frittata. I have to go check perimeter security.”

“And maybe I can check your perimeter later? Honey? Honey? I'm good with women.”

So Close

“Aaaaand that did not relieve the boredom at all.”

“You know it's bad when biting random things is boring.”

“So fucking boring!”

“Staring at this gray nothingness for how long? How did we get stuck with this?”

“Yeah, why are we being punished?”

“Why aren't we giving up, that's what I want to know.”

“We're fucking sharks, we never give up. Hey, is that a boat?”

“No, it's a seagull.”

“Do you want to bite it?”

“No.”

“If we can accomplish one thing, just one thing, I think we can move on.”

“I agree. But what?”

“Let's see... do you want to make a dick joke?”

“Do sharks have dicks?”

“I have no idea.”

“Let's give up.”

Sam Is So Naive

“You're looking good.”

“Thanks. I'm feeling good.”

“Here's the package. It was delivered this morning.”

“All right, let's see what we got. Okay. Okay. Hmm. Interesting. A boat? Okay. Yeah, everything seems to be in order.”

“Great. When can we expect results?”

“Should be by the end of next week.”

“Is there any way to speed that up? Upper management wants to get this over with quickly.”

“They could contact the League to get another agent assigned, but that would double the cost, and even with two of us it might not accelerate the plan all that much.”

“I see. I'll let them know. Say, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Does the League of Clown Assassins specialize in tracking down transdimensional fugitives because they serve a secret multi-world post-capitalist corporate-fascist-entertainment hegemony?”

“No.”

“Okay, good.”

The Worst Enemy of Genitals

“Sure I have a boat. In my pants.”

“Is that sarcasm?”

“I don't know anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so confused.”

“Look, there's plenty of wood lying around, why don't we build a boat.”

“Hey, that's a great idea. We'll be out of here in no time.”

“How big should it be?”

“It doesn't have to be that big.”

“But it would be nice if it was long. But not too long.”

“Are you talking about my penis?”

“No. And it shouldn't be very wide, that's just awkward.”

“Are you sure you're not talking about my penis?”

“I am not. The most important thing is that it should be smooth and comfortable inside, so we're nice and snug.”

“Are you talking about your vagina?”

“Yes!”

I Really Must Recommend Desert Crawling

“You will never know the joy of crawling on sand!”

“You went all that way to tell me that?”

“Yes!”

“And now you're going away?”

“Yes!”

“Okay. Say, have you seen anybody else lately? I'm looking for my crew.”

“Ooh, a fancy crew for your fancy boat.”

“Six of them, of various ages, which helps stabilize the temporal... wait, were you being sarcastic?”

“I don't know, was I?”

“Dammit! Not again! Get the hell out of here!”

“Why don't you make me?”

“I'll...”

“No! This is my sand! You can't touch it! Mine!”

“Wow. Fine. I won't step on your precious sand.”

“I'll be watching you!”

“Great, keep watching. That's the most important thing in the whole—oh no, sarcasm!”

The Worst Enemy of Boats

“There was a time, before reality fractured, when I would be worried about this.”

“I'm scared, Papa!”

“Who said that? What did I tell you about sarcasm?”

“Don't use it around boats. Sorry. But, you know, still—shouldn't we be worried?”

“No. Look, it's all foam. Mostly foam. Creepy foam. Gross. Okay, we're close to the confluence. Does everybody have their flashlights?”

“Yes.”

“Everybody have their goggles?”

“Yes.”

“Everybody have their unfaltering sense of wonder and adventure?”

“Yes.”

“No. Wait, found it.”

“Ten seconds until the portal opens! Take a last look around! Brace yourselves!”

“Papa, I don't want to leave!”

“Who said that?”