I Would Work For This Company

“Thank you for coming to see me so quickly. I'll like to remind you to speak in a low and soothing voice.”

“Yes, of course.”

“Very good. Now, as you can see, I'm missing an owl. Have you seen it?”

“No.”

“Has anybody reported seeing an owl?”

“No. I would have contacted you right away if someone had.”

“Can you issue a building-wide alert to find the owl?”

“I could do that, yes. But the thing is... your owls are kind of bullshit.”

“Easy, my owl brethren, easy. That was not a soothing thing to say.”

“Sorry. But it's true. Everybody hates your owls and everybody hates you.”

“Everybody?”

“So someone probably killed it.”

“Shh, shh. This is very disturbing. Especially coming from the head of security. What are you going to do about this?”

“I'm just going to see where this goes. Maybe they'll kill the rest of your owls.”

“Calm, my darlings, keep calm! How can this be? Don't they realize the value these owls add to the company?”

“Do you honestly think your dumb owls are better than wolves? Or lemurs? Or water buffaloes? Literally every other employee's animal companions are more important than yours.”

“Even the dolphins?”

“No, they're complete shit.”