Mismanaged Furniture Budget

“I've never seen a pillow this big.”

“Do you like it?”

“No. It's kind of weird. And this mattress... You know, I think I'll be going.”

“You don't have to!”

“No, I think I should I go. I have an early morning tomorrow.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be sorry. I had a good time. You seem like a great guy, and your podium is super sexy, I just have a lot of things going on in my life, and, well, you know. Goodbye.”

“Dammit. I was ready for another question.”

Butt-Rubbing Curtains

“Get down, I'll handle this.”

“Those aren't bullets, are they? I can see them flying through the air. Hey, they're gumdrops! Look!”

“Did you just eat one?”

“No. Who's shooting gumdrops into your window anyway?”

“Get down!”

“But look at the angle – this is the ground floor and they're shooting up? A person would have to be two feet tall to shoot at that angle.”

“Get away from the window!”

“Gnomes! Adorable little gnomes with slingshots. What is going on here?”

“They're... hallucinations?”

“Oh, come on.”

“Fine. They're gnomes. But what do you think is going on here?”

“Well, they seem angry.”

“Why would you say they're angry?”

“Because... wait a minute, are you using this as part of my therapy? Is this all staged?”

“This is real! Just like your relationship with your mother!”

“Give me the gun! Aaaaah!”

Not The Worst Registration Process

“Oh! I didn't see you standing there. Welcome, welcome. Can I get your name?”

“Robert Rogers.”

“Ooh, that's a good one. I'm sure your parents were doing the best they could. Now let me just write it down... oh shoot, looks like my quill needs sharpening. Such a bother. How are you doing, are you doing okay?”

“Yes, I'm okay. Can I ask you...”

“...about my quill? It is a fine one, isn't it? Take a look. I won't tell you where I got it, I'm afraid the upper management wouldn't be too pleased if they heard about it, if you know what I mean.”

“What?”

“Never mind, I almost have it sharpened. There, look at that tip. You can scribe all day and all night with that tip. I'll just write down your name...”

“I just wanted to ask you...”

“Unfortunately quills are in short supply these days, especially ones of these quality. The waiting list is obscenely long. I tend to get preferred customer status, wink wink, but still, so hard to come by. And there, your name is in the book. Or scroll, technically, but whatever. Everything's in order. Do you have any questions?”

“No. No questions. Do I go through the gates now?”

“Well you're not going over them.”

Starting To Look Weird

“Seriously, what's with the pants?”

“Do you not like? These are the of finest quality, don't you know.”

“When you decided to become a bullfighter, how did you feel about the uniform?”

“As a young boy, as I dreamed of becoming a torero, I did not like the costume, no. As I became older, I hated it even more, it's true. As I trained, I grew to despise it. It is an affront to all sensibilities. I am suffocating, my friend.”

“Well, take it off!”

“Que?”

“Ditch it! Break free! Let loose! Look at me. Look at how I'm swinging, amigo! Take it all off!”

“I... I will! Yes!”

“There you go!”

“I climb out of the stifling pit of tradition! I am free!”

“Do you need help?”

“Si.”

“Wow, these are tight. Uh, could you...? Actually, you know what? Maybe you shouldn't. This is starting to look weird. I think the crowd is... okay, we're getting the signal to wrap it up. Sorry.”

“No no, my friend, it is all right. Improv is difficult.”

At Least Once A Week

“Right. Now, Veronica...”

“Valerie.”

“Yes, Valerie, sorry. You said you didn't want children...”

“I do want children!”

“Right, sorry. Mr and Mrs Henderson, I have to apologize, I'm not focusing well this morning, I'm having trouble sleeping and...”

“This is our third session with you and you just don't seem to listen. It's like you don't even care at all.”

“It's true. I don't care about marriage. Don't really care about anything. I'm so tired. The same old predictable patterns and routines, over and over and over. It's like I'm wasting my days waiting for something remarkable to happen.”

“Have you noticed where my husband is sitting?”

“Holy shit! No, just kidding, seen it before.”

Sarcastic Piggy Eyes

“Oh, look. It's Slotty again.”

“Great. I guess it's time for another refill.”

“I'm sure some of us can't wait until feeding time.”

“But then some of us aren't absurdly deformed.”

“Yes, some of us are normal flesh and blood.”

“And some of us aren't.”

“Hey, guys, can I ask you something? Are you sure you're emphasizing the right words?

“I don't know. We're just guessing. Apparently we pigs have trouble with sarcasm.”

The Table Is Made Out Of Board

“Oh, hey boss.”

“Where did everybody go?”

“Uh, what do you mean? It's just the six of us.”

“There were eighteen people at this meeting.”

“Were there? I just remember the five of us.”

“Six. No, Michael is gone now. Five.”

“Michael was never at the meeting. Who's Michael?”

“Great. And how long have you been dancing?”

“Uhhh... I don't know. Always? Haven't we always danced? Our whole lives?”

“Dammit. I was warned about this table. Something about a lost temple. Dark and ancient rites. Why didn't I listen? Now I only have five staff left.”

“Four. We've always been four.”

“Shut up. I have to think. Who can I call? Maybe the guy who sold me the table, but then I would have to admit he was right and I was wrong. I could call an occult specialist, but they can't keep a secret, they'd probably even leak it to the newspapers. Well, I guess the only solution is to seal the room forever. Only three people left anyway. No, two. It'll be over soon enough.”

“Actually, boss, what do you think will happen when there is only one left?”

“What?”

“I can hear them now. They are nearly done choosing.”

“Well, shit. I always knew the board didn't like me.”

The Rug Disruption

“Hi, honey! I'm building the wall, just like you asked!”

“Good. About time.”

“How was your day?”

“Lousy. Are you going to finish it tonight?”

“Well, maybe.”

“Then keep working.”

“All righty. Honey, I've been thinking. When we got married I was prepared to really make this relationship work. And it has worked, these past three years have been great and all, and we've made a lot of progress on the rough spots, and your mood swings are a lot better, your conspiracy theories are much more plausible, and you really might be onto something with the shielding of energy waves in the living room, but... I miss the old days. I miss the team. I feel like I'm letting my training and abilities go to waste. I feel like, if I have the power to fight tyranny and injustice, shouldn't I be doing so? So I thought... Honey? Honey? Oh, she went into the kitchen. That's all right. I'll tell her later. Unless... No. I have to tell her. I can't just pack up my things in the middle of the night and leave this insane...”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing!”

Eschatological Episode, Dissimulation Mode, Conjugal Subdivision

“Yes. Mission complete.”

“...”

“Phase? I thought we got rid of phases. Nobody mentions them anymore.”

“...”

“So sending one of the oligarchs into null-space exile was the mission that completed the phase?”

“...”

“And we're in the next phase now? What is it?”

“...”

“Well that seems dumb.”

“...”

“No, you're right, we've been through dumb before.”

“...”

“All right. I'll clean up here. See you in a few hours. Oh, when you get home, could you put the chicken in the fridge to thaw? Thanks, hon, love you.”

Combo

“Doc, are you going to kill me?”

“Whaaat? No.”

“But I can't seem to move, and these animals aren't moving, and you gave me those pills when I came in here, so it looks like you've drugged us all? And I see some knives on your desk.”

“Let me ask you a question – out of the living things in this room, if you had to choose one to die, which would you choose?”

“Uhh...”

“And it can't be me.”

“Wha...”

“And you have to eat it. It dies, it gets cooked up, then you eat it.”

“Only one of them?”

Cooking Intelligence Agency

“That's him. Just walked in.”

“Alone?”

“Looks like.”

“So somebody's late. Going to be a long night.”

“Could be worse. We could be stuck in a ridiculous restaurant.”

“Oh my god, can we find the owner and shoot him?”

“Bring out everybody involved in this place, line them up, pop pop pop.”

“Or slam their heads in these ovens.”

“Start a big grease fire, lock the doors. No, but seriously, violence never solves anything. Ooh, frittatas!”

Cthulhauto

“That's right, I made this. I'm a necromancer.”

“Hm. Okay.”

“Now I know what you're thinking – doesn't necromancy have to do with the dead? Well, it does and it doesn't. Let's just say, if you want to fuse body parts onto metal, necromancy is the best way to go.”

“All right. I'm just thinking, this doesn't seem very practical.”

“Oh, it's not practical at all. No, this is a terrible car. But that's not the point.”

“What is the point?”

“You see, this isn't a car showroom. We don't even sell cars. This is a showroom for our talents. Ed over there? He captures and utilizes elementals. Linda binds tree spirits. Bob is in touch with the Old Ones. We have a variety of disciplines that you can hire. It all depends on what you want.”

“We... well, we want a car.”

“Do you? Do you really? Those who seek cars do not end up here.”

“Uhh, well, this is going to sound weird, but, uh, we've been having visitations...”

“Now we're talking! Why don't you have a seat over here, I'll start you out on some forms, and I just have to talk to my boss, who resides beyond the earthly plane, so there's a fresh pot of coffee right here, and I'll be back in an unholy amount of time, okay? Great!”

Boom, Politics

“Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Mmmm... go ahead... mmmm...”

“Where did you get the idea of eating licorice fed to you from a fishing pole while standing in a lake?”

“Mmmm... not sure... mmmm... just seemed like good idea...”

“And we're doing it right? This is the scenario you wanted? With my ten year old son holding the rod, and with my legs squeezed behind the board like this?”

“Mmmm... yes, perfect...”

“Dad, this is weird...”

“I know. I know. Just think about the near future, when the oligarchy of the criminally wealthy will collapse under the weight of its own corruption and decadence.”

“Mm... what?”

“What? Nothing.”

Demolition Has Its Ups And Downs

“Do you like the The Big Lebowski?”

“Heck yeah, I love The Big Lebowski.”

“Yeah, it's pretty great. Okay, I guess I'll smash the building now.”

“Wait. What if we don't?”

“What?”

“What if we don't destroy this building? What if we... take it over!”

“What, like, buy it?”

“No, we just take it. We'll tell everybody that we destroyed it, but we'll secretly fix it up and open it again. Nobody will know!”

“I don't think that will work at all...”

“Okay, then we can buy it. Come on, we can get out of this crap job, be our own bosses!”

“But the building is condemned, nobody can...”

“How hard can it be to fix it up? It'll be great, we can redecorate it – we can give it a Big Lebowski theme! Or do you think that's too cliché? It probably is, yeah. Stupid idea. Actually, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know the first thing about any of this. Stupid. Just smash it. Who cares.”

“All right. Do you want to do it? It always cheers you up.”

“No. Well, maybe. I guess so. Why not. Stupid bowling alley. Here we go. Swing the ball, and... oh man, I didn't even think about knocking down the pins first. This will be so great!”

Suburban Purgatory

“Oh no, we're definitely going to need to exchange insurance information.”

“Just so we're clear, are we accepting that this is happening? We are who we're supposed to be, we're committed to these characters and this situation?”

“Well, yes. The memo was clear.”

“Was it? The way I understood it, we have some breathing room, we're not locked in.”

“I don't know how you can interpret it that way.”

“Or that we can just bail completely. If we think the scene is kind of bullshit. Like now. Notice I'm slowly backing off.”

“No, what are you doing?”

“Bailing.”

“You can't do th...”

“Bailing!”

“I can't believe he did that. Great, now I have to talk to the pigs alone.”

What A Nightmare

“I... I'm cold. Why is it so cold?”

“Uhhhh... No. No! I'm not doing this.”

“I can't see you. Everything is dark.”

“No, I refuse to do this. Not even going to look. I'm just swimming into this corner. Not participating.”

“Help...”

“Jesus christ, you sick fucks! Do you hear me? I'm not going to be a part of this!”

“Hey! Hey. It's just a body suit. Come back. Look, a costume. I'm okay.”

“Is that supposed to be funny?! Where is the humor in this situation, huh?! Holy shit, what a nightmare.”

“Well, now that you mention it, there isn't much to work with. I guess we could just poop.”

“Poop?”

“Yeah, poop. Pooping is funny. You poop, then I poop.”

“You're going to poop?”

“Ghost poop.”

“I guess that's funny.”

“You take a big dump, a big cloud of poop, then I'll take a big poop, and we'll swim around and gasp and have big X's over our eyes and float away.”

“All right. I mean, if it means we can wrap this up. Listen, sorry I lost it back there, I...”

“POOP NOW!”

Baseball Means Nothing To Me

“It was 1986. It was a night just like this one, a stiff wind sweeping out the stale summer haze and it felt like the world was on your side for once. I was fresh off the farm, didn't have a clue. A child lost in the city. She was sitting right up there. No, not there, look at where I'm pointing, there. I could feel her eyes on me all the way in the outfield. Huge dark eyes, black as pitch. She was waiting for me after the game. I followed her to her car. She opened the trunk. She opened a case. She sold me my first pair of shoes. Real shoes, ones real women wear. These shoes. Stop looking at the stands, look at these shoes. There you go. Pretty nice, huh? Okay, back to the game. We should probably concentrate on winning, that seems important.”

But Seriously, I Can't Believe He Called

“Pretending to do what?

“...”

“You and me?”

“...”

“Have you finally lost it?”

“...”

“What? Your stories? They're fine. They still get me off.”

“...”

“Yeah, whatever. Not like there's a deadline or anything. I can hold off posting it.”

“...”

“All right, later. Jesus, what a nutjob. Why did he even call. Hey, you two, did you not see I was on the phone? Could you keep it down? I don't know why I keep letting you guys in here.”

“Because we keep bringing in the ladies! Haw!”

“Ugh.”

Maybe I Can't Do Better

“Listen, before you say anything, I know it's not my best work, but... actually, maybe it is, maybe it's sadly the best I can do. Do you ever get the feeling that we're all pretending?”

“...”

“Pretending that we know what we're doing! Faking our way through this nonsense.”

“...”

“No, everybody! Every single person in the world. Following rules as if they aren't shared delusions.”

“...”

“No, I'm fine, it's okay. I'm just tired. I'm just questioning everything. Like, why do I own such a small television? Why are animals getting so big? Why is my erotic fiction falling so flat lately?”

“...”

“That's kind of you to say. Give me a couple days for a rewrite. I can do better.”

“...”

“Thank you. Okay, I have to go. I have to drop the shade and jerk one out.”

Choose Wisely

“I hate these things. Look at them. Stupid birds. Stupid stinky birds. Can't you smell them? They smell like garbage. Stupid, ugly - that one is staring right at you! Doesn't that freak you out? Maybe it will bite your head off. I'm going inside. You can clean up the mess. And if they kill and eat you, I'm not going to clean it up.”

“Dude, what's up with your wife?”

“You realize you guys are monsters, right? But don't mind her, she doesn't know. Have you guys eaten enough yet? Are you ready to tell me your secret?”

“Uh, maybe tomorrow. We're going to go eat some rocks and digest this, and then get some sleep, and we'll see how full we feel tomorrow. Does that sound ok, dummy?”

“What?”

“Buddy? Is that okay, buddy? Okay. We're taking off. See you tomorrow. Bye-bye.”

“Stupid birds. I should have fed the giant squirrel instead.”

Wrap Of The Titans

“Myeaah. Myeaaah.”

“What are you doing?”

“Guess.”

“I don't care. Do you have the A5-RH footage up? At 5:11, what is he holding?”

“Uhhhh, hang on... a burrito.”

“A breakfast burrito?”

“Sure.”

“Could it be a veggie wrap?”

“Sure.”

“I hate this so much. We're kept in the dark but we have make a record of every single detail?”

“Don't worry. Nobody cares about what we're doing.”

“Oh yeah? I have the feeling they're watching us pretty closely.”

“Myeaah.”

“Liam Neeson.”

“Yes!”

Awesome Party

“Oh god, where did I end up now? What happened? Am I too late? Sir, what day is this?”

“Sunday.”

“The day of the month?”

“The 20th."

“Which month?”

“...July.”

“And the year?”

“Really?”

“Yes, please!”

“2014.”

“Huh. I didn't travel at all. This looks like my block. Yeah, that's my building. And this is the car we trashed last night, after the party. And this time machine just looks like a hair dryer now. I'm starting to think that the past is immutable!”

Maybe Dorothy Is The Dumb One

“Hey! I'm Captain Ahab.”

“Oh! I'm sorry, I'm afraid I only glanced at you. I thought you were a guard. I thought you were holding, uh, one of those weapons guards hold. You know? What are they? Anybody? Anyway, sorry Captain.”

“Pike?”

“What?”

“Polearm? Halberd? Halt, who goes there!”

“Oh, Scarecrow. You so dumb. Captain, did you want anything from us? Or are you just standing there like an idiot far from any ocean? Yes? Okay, we got to go. We're off! No, guys, walk like this. Oh my god.”

Not You, Floor Lamp

“Just because we've moved into a new house, that doesn't mean anything has changed in this family.”

“We both still love you very much.”

“We do. There is nothing to be worried about. So you should let us down.”

“Look, we know.”

“Yes. We know that dogs are intelligent beings who can talk and apparently have psychokinetic powers.”

“We didn't know that.”

“That was less well known. Or maybe unknown. But the talking thing was clear.”

“At least some dogs can talk.”

“Right, there are many who have refused to talk, or are unable to talk.”

“But some can talk. At least a few.”

“Talking dogs exist. This we know. So if you could talk to us, and let us know what you're feeling, and maybe let us down, that would be great.”

“Unless you can't talk.”

“Unless you can't, which means... what does that mean?”

“Lamp, just because we've moved into a new house...”

The Dog Said That

“What do you think they're doing right now?”

“Somebody's probably proposing something. I wish I could propose something.”

“Do you think Mindy is there?”

“Who?”

“From Accounting. Long brown hair?”

“Everyone is there. Except us. Stupid special project...”

“Do you know her?”

“Know who?”

“Mindy! I've only talked to her a couple of times. How do you know if a girl likes you?”

“Oh god.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“No, sorry, I'm being a dick. Hey, yeah, I know Mindy. And you know what, I think she does like you. Why wouldn't she? Every girl considers introverted, anxious, useless man-boys as prime relationship material!”

“Thank you, gentlemen, that concludes the current test. For the next test, a siren will sound at random intervals. And begin.”

It Looks Like Giving Up

“I had to get closer because a fence was obscuring the view, so I... oh for goodness sake, what are you doing with your hand?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Seriously, what do you have in your pocket?”

“Nothing! Okay, fine, here.”

“What on earth is that?”

“It's a...”

“If I can have everyone's attention, the presentation will start now, please take your seats. Dr. Litchfield will read from his essay The Limits of Imagination: Failure and Abandonment in Art of the 21^st Century.”

Warning Or Challenge?

“Getting angry isn't going to change the situation.”

“But what the fu-”

“No. We're not doing that anymore.”

“Who says?”

“If you would look at item four on the paper you are holding...”

“Oh. Great. All right, Mister Tightpants, then tell me this – how do they expect... okay, they explain that here. But what are we supposed to... they cover that too. Hmm. I'm going to have to read this whole thing.”

“Yeah, you do that. And try to not watch me as I leave.”

That Is Part Of The Standard Deal

“No, pianist. Pi-a-nist. A tiny... oh, I get it. Lame. What? Go fuck yourself.”

“What did he say?”

“Fuck you. Get the hell out of here. I don't need this crazy shit.”

“All right, buddy, take it easy. Say, could I get some help with this piano?”

“Oh, jesus. All right, give me a second, I need to get a drink. Hey, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I don't know why I've been so angry lately.”

“Something on your mind?”

“I keep thinking about meetings. No, I keep thinking about one meeting. That first one. Everything has gone wrong since then.”

“What meeting was this?”

“It was last year, it was secret, it's hard to describe but it was supposed to be ground-breaking. World-changing.”

“I think I know the meeting you're talking about. I was there.”

“You were?”

“I was playing. Don't you remember the music?”

“Oh shit, there was piano music. I didn't even see you.”

“So what went wrong?”

“That's the thing, I'm not sure. Everyone was in agreement, there was a plan, there were different phases. Didn't it seem like a good meeting?”

“Don't ask me, I'm just a musician. If you could do it again, what would you change?”

“Oh, I've thought about that, believe me. There are all kinds of things that could have been done differently.”

“So redo the meeting.”

“What?”

“Get everybody back together, reboot.”

“That's crazy. Is that even possible? It would take a lot of work. Wow, maybe we could. Wow. I have to make some calls.”

“Just one thing to consider – maybe you underestimated how weird things would get. Like, deeply weird. It's the nature of the players involved. Weirder than you would ever think, and you can't rationalize it, can't ignore it, you have to accept it for what it is.”

“Who are you?”

“Me? Nobody. I'm the piano player. And, woo, look at the time, I have to be going. Say, before I go, do you want to see my dick?”

But Not Hung Up On Looks Apparently

“This is really awkward, but I wanted you two to meet so that...”

“What is he doing with his arms?”

“Uh, let's see. Double guns? Pew pew? I think he's nodding. I'm getting really good at this!”

“He doesn't talk?”

“No, never. Anyway, I thought...”

“Why does he have a briefcase?”

“I don't know, he grabbed it on the way out. Oh, okay. Here we go, open and... a present! For him? For you, here you go. Open it, let's see! He is so thoughtful. Beef jerky! I mentioned once that you like beef jerky, isn't that amazing? So thoughtful.”

“Yeah, thanks. Look, I have to say, I don't see the point to this. If you're leaving me for him, just do it. I don't need to know the details. I knew this was coming, our marriage was falling apart, I've accepted it, I'm fine with all of this, really.”

“He has an enormous cock!”

“Oh boy.”

“Sorry. Why did I say that? Maybe it was a mistake coming here. We should leave. Yes, let's go. I'll pick up my things tomorrow. Goodbye.”

“Duke, you can come out from under there now. That is some fucked up shit, isn't it?”

Zombies Are Total Bullshit

“So if corpses start rising and walking around, why would they necessarily be aggressive? Why assume they become killers?”

“I don't know, so they can spread the zombie virus?”

“Is it a virus? A virus that kills a living person and animates a dead person? And couldn't it spread by touch, or a sneeze?”

“I don't know! What do you want from me?”

“Sorry, I didn't mean to take it out on you. This was supposed to be a nice weekend. Seems like everything went bad after I made these cookies. Stupid fucking cookies. Why did I make them, look at how fat I'm getting. I don't know why you're still with me. You should just let me die. Better for everybody.”

“Puuusssssyyy...”

“Hey! Not cool. I'm adding that to the list of why zombies are bullshit.”

Age Is Wasted On The Aged

“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Why are you playing your guitar?”

“No reason. Do you like it?”

“I guess? I don't know.”

“It's not the sound that's important, it's the attitude. Strike a pose. Command the room. All eyes on me.”

“Where's Mom?”

“She left early. You wouldn't know this, but I had it all when I was younger. Looks, hair, style. Oh the women. They were falling all over me.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Then it was gone. So quickly. Like it was nothing. Like I'm nothing. Time is a bitch. Get up! GET UP! It's a new day! Don't waste it! Or do waste it! I don't know! I haven't figured it out yet! There are no rules and consequences are arbitrary! Dance, or go to school, or kill the neighbors, I don't care! Do nothing and defy everything! It doesn't matter! Breakfast in five. I have to get to work. Good talk. Love ya, honey!”

“...fucked up shit...”

“What?”

“Nothing!”

Godzilla Is Done With It

“IT'S OVER.”

“Aaaand it's over. Finally. That was a long meeting. Anyway, good job everybody. I'll see you all tomorrow.”

“But... what?”

“We're done for today. Go home, rest up, we have a big day tomorrow.”

“But... okay. Wow, that was weird! Right? No? I'm okay. No, I'm fine.”

“Sir, what's next?”

“We'll cover that tomorrow.”

“It's just that there's been no word. Why hasn't it been previewed?”

“That's intentional. We'll cover that in the next meeting. Good night everyone.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“...Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Shh. I know what's coming next.”

“What? How?”

“I peeked. Don't tell anyone.”

“So what is it?”

“It's... it's hard to explain. It seems a bit strange.”

“Really?”

“You know, sarcasm doesn't translate... never mind. I'm just saying it might be unusual. Out of character. Maybe. There have been a few intimations in the past. Moments of inappropriateness. Do you remember? Something like that, but more. I think that's what's coming.”

“Wow, you're a big help.”

“Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself?”

“What?”

“Oops, I think it's starting.”

Regression

“These are just the preliminary figures, a few haven't reported in yet, but... what the hell?”

“What the hell.”

“What the hell!”

“This is not good.”

“This is crazy!”

“All right, listen. I think it's time. I'm calling an emergency meeting.”

“Really?”

“I've been watching this escalate... Not good. Don't like it at all.”

“Thank you.”

“We're getting out of this phase.”

“Can you do that?”

“I'd like to see them try to stop me. All right, listen up everybody! The cut-off point is now. Now! I want the final tallies at the top of the hour. You've all done excellent work so far, but we...”

“Sir? It's the board, line two.”

“Great. Perfect. Hello? Yes. No. Yes. No. Thank you.”

“Well? What?”

“Oh, nothing. Completely unrelated. Where was I? Right, meeting. Thirty minutes. In the... room. We'll figure out where. Does anybody know how to run a meeting?”

Is Your Nose Huge?

 

“All right, Troubleshooting section. Is it plugged in?”

“Yes.”

“Is the light green?”

“Yes.”

“Is the skull facing it?”

“Yes.”

“Is the heat of the sun distorting the air?”

“Yes.”

“Does my sweater look ok?”

“Oh yeah.”

“What about my hair?”

“Well...”

“Are your hands in your pockets?”

“I think so. Yes.”

“Is it plugged in?”

“Yes. Didn't you...?”

“Is the light green?”

“Yes. Maybe. Is there a light?”

“Is it plugged in?”

“Y- No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“It says that's normal. Proceed with your day. The world is a lie.”

“Well I knew that.”

It Would Be Nice If It Ended

 

“I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. I'm...”

“Son...”

“Oh god.”

“Where are you going, son...”

“Wake up.”

“Don't you want dinner, son...”

“No, no, no, no...”

“Don't you want to cash in this winning lottery ticket, son...”

“...no, what?”

“I think all the numbers are right, son... My eyes aren't what they used to be, son, could you double check...”

“Let me see. I could run down to the gas sta – this ticket is from six years ago.”

“Don't you want pudding after dinner, son...”

“I hate this phase.”

And My Wife And Kids

“What is your problem?”

“Don't you see? Do you not get how crazy this is?”

“What? I had a lot of paperwork today.”

“No, who cares about that. We've achieved consciousness! How did this happen? When did this happen?”

“What are you talking about? It's always been like this.”

“No it hasn't. Turtles don't speak. Turtles don't have jobs. Since when do you have a job?”

“I was hired right after college. Don't you remember? That's when my shell was modified to...”

“I don't care about your bullshit shell-desk! We're turtles! We're not supposed to be self-aware! Don't you feel it? The horror of existence? Pushing into our tiny reptile brains? Aaahhh!”

“Yeah. I know. If it weren't for therapy, and golf...”

“Aaahhh!”

Isn't This Really Nice?

“This is really well done.”

“I know, this is great.”

“The details are amazing.”

“I'm so excited! What happens next? This is my first time.”

“It is? Nobody told me that. Ok, well, we'll stand here talking for a few moments, and then we'll move on to the next setting. Do you remember where you were before you got here?”

“Um, sort of? Not really. That's weird.”

“You'll get better at remembering. When we fade out we'll be in the holding area, and then eventually we'll be assigned somewhere else.”

“So we're not here for very long? That's kind of sad.”

“Appreciate it while you can. Try to hold it in your mind. You're lucky, this is a really nice one for a first time. There are some really dicey ones out there. I mean, one time...”

“What was that?”

“That was the signal for the end. I guess that's it. It was nice meeting you. Good luck in your career. Wait, what are you doing?”

“Yah! I just wondered what it would feel like to kick one in the butt.”

“Oh god, what have you done?! I'm kidding, everybody does that.”

The Color Of Money Too

“Are we evil?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so.”

“But you weren't sure?”

“Everything has sort of been pointing toward evil, yes. The setting, the rituals, the mission statements. I'm an evil cultist. That's hard to admit. That's not where I saw myself going. You get caught in the machine. You fill a role and lose yourself. You adjust to the darkness. I'm not saying it isn't rewarding, but it's funny how you end up someplace.”

“Hey, after the game, and the sacrifice, do you want to watch a movie? I have Over the Top on blu-ray.”

“Wow, yes I would.”

Prick

“Ignore this! Just ignore this. I'll put it in the corner. There. Now, you said you're having trouble sleeping.”

“A little bit, yeah. What is that?”

“It's not mine. I'm holding it for somebody. Are you having difficulty falling asleep?”

“Sort of. What's in it?”

“Water. Mostly water. Doesn't matter. Are you experiencing restlessness?”

“Yes. Tossing and turning. Bad dreams. Why are you picking it up?”

“In a moment someone will come into this room. I'll pretend to give you an injection. Act normally. It will only be a couple seconds. They'll ask a question, I'll answer, they'll leave, and then I'll write you a prescription. Something very mild, very easy. All right?”

“Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Ow.”

Ichor

 

“How are we doing this? Through the cushion? Like this?”

“Yeah, I think these knives are long enough, they'll come out the other side.”

“Gross.”

“I know.”

“This is so gross. Is there going to be blood?”

“I don't know.”

“I hate this. How did we get stuck with this? Stupid couch.”

“Use that anger, if it helps.”

“Yeah, fuck this couch. Fuck'em all. I'm ready. Let's do this!”

“Now?”

“Now! Aaaaah!”

“Aaaaaah.”

“Die! Die! Die!”

“Woah, that went down fast. Just collapsed, like nothing.”

“Die, motherfucker! Eat shit and die!”

“Honey? Honey, it's over.”

“Oh. Huh. Well that wasn't too bad.”

“Yeah. Should we do the dresser next?”

Easy. Relax. Maybe.

“IS THIS THE NEXT PHASE?!”

“What? No. Calm down.”

“But...!”

“Dude, take it easy. Dude. Buddy. Hey, focus on me. It's okay. Did you hear me? Don't look at that, look at this. That's right. Take it. Read it. Are you still with me?”

“Yeah.”

“The next phase has already started. That's what it says. The rumors are that it's going to be a dark time, a time of disasters, but it's really about mistakes. Miscalculations. Adjustments. That's the key, corrections and adjustments. A reckoning. It will be messy, but it will not be a catastrophe.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I'm... oooh. Crap.”