Don't Date Out Of Your League

“No, you're clear. Wait. Scrunch down a little bit. Okay, you're clear.”

“Should I get up?”

“Slide out of the chair to the floor. That's it, slowly. Now roll. Okay, you're okay. It hasn't moved. Just back away now.”

“Oh my god. What do I do now?”

“Go, get out of here. There's nothing you can do.”

“What about you?”

“Once you're gone I'm going to trying jumping out of my chair. I think it's my only chance. It's pointed right at my belly button. Jesus, what is it waiting for?”

“Maybe I can push it out of the way.”

“No! Don't touch it. We have no idea what it will do.”

“I can't just leave!”

“You have to! Go, warn the others. The AI has gone crazy. Something I did must have triggered it. Let's see—don't drink red wine. Don't wear baggy pants and a sweater. Don't... I don't know, don' t make any jokes about memory wipes that makes it sound like butt wiping. Go! Stay out of the round rooms!”

What Is That Silhouette In The Window?

“Are you sure you're not being sarcastic? You sound sarcastic.”

“I assure you I'm being sincere.”

“Well, since I can't see your face I'll have to take your word for it.”

“Do you want to lift the lid for a second and see?”

“I can't. I keep telling you, I'm a corpse.”

“Now, when you say corpse...”

“I died in 2007.”

“I see.”

“Again, I wish I could see your expression.”

“I am listening and I am open to your thoughts. I'm just trying to understand. For instance, how are you speaking?”

“Why is that important?”

“Because you should be inanimate.”

“I am inanimate! I'm a corpse!”

“All right. Obviously I've upset you. Would you like to discuss it?”

“You're focusing on the trivial. I wasn't dragged here by my personal gravediggers to discuss what it's like being a corpse.”

“Why are you here?”

“I was told that you were the most beautiful woman in this land, so I was going to ask you to be my queen and join me to rule the shadow realms. Except now I'm thinking, what does it matter if you're beautiful if I can never see or touch you, sealed as I am in this necronautical vessel for the rest of eternity? Also, I barely know you. Also, my enemies are everywhere, so you would be in constant danger if you accept. This was a terrible idea! I can't believe the undying seers talked me into this. How embarrassing. What a fuck-up.”

“I cosplay as Lady Death.”

“Holy shit! Hooray!”

Personal History, Not A Statement On Class

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Do you know of any new ways to make money?”

“Wow, that's a good question. I guess you've tried all the old ways?”

“Oh yes. All of them.”

“And how did that work out for you?”

“Quite well. I have a lot of money.”

“How much?”

“I'm not really sure. The amount keeps changing.”

“Keeps going up, I suppose?”

“Probably, yes. That's what they tell me.”

“And now you're looking for something new, something different, a whole new—goddammit, what the hell are you staring at?! You got a problem, asshole?! Fucking chauffeurs.”

Subversion Of Corporate Culture Is Tricky

“You're not going to engage with him, are...”

“Karl, what are you doing?”

“...you—okay. Yeah, Karl, what are you doing there?”

“What am I doing? I'll tell you a riddle: what is the opposite of a meeting?”

“Uhhh...”

“Prophecy.”

“Huh.”

“It's the paper and the ink. The ink. Think about that.”

“Is this new? This seems new. Nobody told me about this.”

“It's a new development, but we didn't think it was important. I'll handle this. Karl? Karl, do you see these papers we're holding? Take a look. That's right. We're carrying them around. That's our job. We control the papers. They do not control us.”

“Okay. Yes. You're right. I don't know what came over me. What am I doing?”

“It's all right, Karl. We're all under a lot of stress.”

“Yeah, I'm fine now. Say, can I see that piece of paper?”

“Sure. Hey! He ate it!”

“I am the Paper and the Ink!”

“I still have my paper. Let's go, we have a lot of walking to do.”

Look Not Upon the Drawings, Lest Madness Take You

“Heyyy. Hey, buddy.”

“Not again.”

“Can we ask you something?”

“We hate to bother you but it's really important.”

“You guys know my normal hours.”

“Right, yes, but we couldn't wait until morning. We need to know.”

“Please?”

“Fine. But you already know the answer. It is ruin. Ruin! You will twist and tatter in the wind. You will taste exhaustion and drink despair. All will be lost.”

“Well that's disappointing. It seemed like a solid plan, didn't it?”

“Maybe he's wrong. He's just a kid.”

“I knew you would say that. Now leave, and I would remind you to come to me only after school, as all in the neighborhood know, except I will not see you again, your fate is set.”

“Okay! Say hi to your dad for me.”

“I've heard he's not always right. Let's just...”

“Assholes.”

But Meetings Are Awesome

“What the hell? Are they making fun of us?”

“This is bullshit.”

“This is fucking bullshit.”

“Stupid goddamn aliens.”

“I'm going to kick their asses.”

“Yeah, let's kick their goddamn asses.”

“Wait, hang on. We can't.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I know one of them.”

“Which one?”

“The middle one. He works with my wife. He was over to the house once. At that barbecue, remember?”

“Oh yeah. He seemed nice.”

“He's cool.”

“Should we say hi?”

“No, it's too awkward. Let's just hide here until they wander off. Then we can trash that dumbass spaceship.”

“The Anti-Meeting Alliance strikes again!”