Talking Animals Lean Toward Egalitarianism

“What exactly did he say?”

“That he was going to issue a royal proclamation later today.”

“That's what he said? A royal proclamation?”

“He said he was a king and he had something important to say.”

“Did he say that he's always been a king, or did he suddenly become a king?”

“I took it to mean he just became a king, like the former king died or something.”

“And that happened this morning?”

“Apparently.”

“And he hasn't said anything since then?”

“No. He's just been sitting here.”

“And you dressed him up.”

“Yeah, and I made the throne too.”

“Tell me the exact words he said. Word for word.”

“Well, I didn't write it down. Also, he was a little hard to understand. It sounded a lot like a long meow, but he definitely said something.”

“You know, we could just find a talking cat. There's plenty around, you can have actual conversations with them, and maybe some even have hereditary titles, who knows.”

“But it would be harder to manipulate them into repressing the lower classes.”

The Title Needs Work

“I'm nearly finished with the backlog, which is such a re... what the hell?”

“Yeah, just ignore that.”

“What are they doing?”

“It's some sort of performance to entertain the diners. Or so they say.”

“Is it supposed to make sense? Am I missing something?”

“It's nonsense.”

“Why are the photographers so happy? Why is the waiter reacting with such panic and horror? Who's directing this show?”

“Some hack who doesn't understand the script.”

“Um, did you write this scene?”

“No. Yes. But it's been butchered. What was supposed to be a commentary on modern disenfranchisement and the commodification of images has been turned into a stupid farce.”

“What's it called?”

“Papa Zippi Razza pizza paparazzi pizzazz.”

People Should Talk About This More

“Uh oh. I think I have diarrhea.”

“Come on. Don't look at me like that.”

“Well, we did...”

“So unfair. People always blame me for diarrhea.”

“I didn't...”

“Diarrhea is perfectly natural, you know.”

“What?”

“It's part of the normal digestive process. It's healthy. We're supposed to have diarrhea on a regular basis.”

“That can't be true.”

“Sure it is. I have diarrhea four or five times a week. That's more than most people but still within the normal range.”

“Where did you get this information?”

“It's just common sense. Think about it—if we never have diarrhea, we'd never poop.”

“Uhh... Look, maybe this was just a bad idea. It was great having you here, but you should probably go now.”

“Fine. Solid sheeple.”

Horror And Disgust

“I've never seen anybody not react with horror and disgust before.”

“Why, because you have a human head and a bee body?”

“Wasp.”

“Sorry. I've seen human heads on lots of things.”

“Where?”

“They're all over. Find some talking animals, you'll find some human heads attached to animals. All part of the same phenomenon.”

“Are you like an expert on this or something?”

“I run a matchmaking service. Would you be interested in meeting a bee with a human head?”

“What? But I'm a wasp.”

“I don't have any wasps as clients. How about a spider? Or a scorpion?”

“I don't understand—you're running a business?”

“A very successful business helping those like you find love. Are you interested in signing up?”

“I'm not sure...”

“Here's a picture of a lovely tick who lives nearby.”

“I'm in.”

What A Terrible Logo

“I am in complete control of my actions.”

“Or maybe we have never truly made any decisions, we only do what we were always going to do, and this dim glimmer of consciousness exists purely to perpetuate the delusion of our—hang on, what's that, sir? Is that smoke?”

“This is it. Give the command.”

“Halt! Form up! Meetings, gentlemen! Prepare for meetings!”

“Hand me the binoculars, will you?”

“Here, sir. All right, spread out! You know the drill! I want to see meeting squads ready to roll out in fifteen minutes!”

“Looks like they've settled into a defensive position. Plenty of office chairs. A few desks on the right flank. And—wait a minute. Damn it, they brought copiers.”

“Look alive, people! I want to see those ideas ready! We need those presentations sharp! And who's in charge of coffee?! Get to brewing!”

“We'll see if their line will hold. At long last, we will decide the fate of this proposal.”

“Sir, I just want to say, even though all this is a bit on the nose, it has been an honor serving under you, and I swear, by the end of this day, the heretical paperwork of our rivals will be shredded and strewn before you as you march into your new office, your sweet, shapely legs crushing the fragments into dust.”

“Thank you, Captain. What?”

Could Branch Out Into Meat And Fish

“Looks like it will be a few more minutes until the briefcase full of cheese will be done. So what have you been up to lately?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. Exploiting the psychological weaknesses of the public for profit, that sort of thing.”

“Man, I'm glad I got out of that grind.”

“What are you working on now?”

“Filling things full of cheese.”

“Oh, right.”

“I'm still building brand awareness.”

“Sure.”

“But the work is satisfying.”

“Of course. That might be the only thing that matters.”

“Sometimes I wonder, though, if I'm just doing the same old thing, producing pointless garbage, undermining people's lives to make a buck, playing and hustling even though I know the game is rigged.”

“Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But it smells delicious.”

“Calfskin goes well with gouda.”

Nothing

“So what should we talk about? Other than hospital stays and medical procedures, because those aren't funny at all.”

“I...”

“Or this dumb thing on my head, which isn't funny either.”

“I..”

“And nothing sexual either, that's so tacky and lame.”

“I...”

“And I feel like your going to tell me you're having an affair and you want a divorce, which is fine, but I just don't want to talk about it right now.”

“I...”

“No talking animals, no cults, no dimensional travel, no anthropomorphic objects, no secret plots, no commentary on post-capitalism. Okay, go.”

“I just farted.”