Something Is Really Wrong Here

“Stop! Stop! Something is really wrong here!”

“What?”

“Hey, you actually stopped. Thank you. Holy crap, I didn't realize how dangerous this would be. Swords are scary.”

“Huh. Something is really wrong here.”

“I know. I'm sorry I even came.”

“No, I think you've done it. A universal caption.”

“What?”

“I mean, it's not that bad, right? It's not great, but I think it works on every one of them. 'Something is really wrong here.' Yeah, sure. Why not. Except it's hard to believe somebody hasn't thought of it before me.”

“Well, I'm the one who came up with it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Joint discovery. But it's not like it really matters. We're not ever going to get written about in Slate or the A.V. Club. Do you know how far down we show up in search results? I'm not even sure we do show up.”

“We could write and tell them.”

“Oh, why bother. We're just middling content. Maybe not even middling. 'Something is really wrong here.' Eh, whatever. Nothing really special.”

“Can I go home now?”

“What? Oh, yeah, go ahead. But if you have an idea about the next storyline, let me know. We have more content to churn out!”

Monkeyfoot Crotch

“You should be glad it's over.”

“Glad that someone finally activated the device? Yeah, that dragged out long enough.”

“Glad that the war is finally over.”

“Oh yeah, the war. It wasn't much of a war, was it?”

“Well, it didn't quite escalate like they thought it would, so yeah. Still, it could have been pretty bad.”

“Or it was a doomed narrative imposed on an unrelated sequence of drawings.”

“What?”

“Nothing. And how are the monkeys helping?”

“Transdimensional monkeys.”

“Right. How did they stop the war?”

“Well, you know, the whole planet flooded with monkeys from an alternate dimension, that's going to stop a war, isn't it?”

“Is it?”

“Sure. Especially since monkeys are the natural enemies of both cowboys and pirates.”

“Ugh, why did I ask. Say, are those new pants?”

“Yes, why?”

“No reason.”

I've Never Heard Of Such A Thing

“Nipples, sir.”

“Nipples.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Really.”

“Definitely, sir. Big ones.”

“Big.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“How big.”

“First joint of the thumb.”

“That's a big nipple.”

“Quite, sir.”

“I suppose you're wondering why I'm asking about your fetishes.”

“It's not for me to wonder, sir.”

“Or why I have all this ridiculous Halloween crap.”

“It never occurred to me to ask, sir.”

“What do you think about post-capitalism?”

“I have no thoughts on the subject, sir.”

“Have you seen the prototype?”

“No, sir.”

“Aha!”

Typing 'Prototype' Never Gets Easier

“Seven.”

“Seven?”

“Wait, what were you asking?”

“How many prototypes you've developed.”

“Eight. Eight iterations. The very early stages. And then they kicked me off the project.”

“Why?”

“They weren't clear about that.”

“Were you upset?”

“Of course. But they never understood the scale of my plans.”

“How would you feel about making an anti-prototype?”

“What?”

“We're prepared to offer you a substantial sum to work on...”

“What's an anti-prototype?”

“A device to neutralize the prototype.”

“An anti-device.”

“Yes, sure.”

“You want me to make a prototype of an anti-device. Because you can't make an anti-prototype, that doesn't make any sense.”

“If you say so. You'll have a state-of-the-art lab and a team of...”

“Unless... An anti-prototype... Is such a thing possible?”

“Uh, a hand-picked team of...”

“Good lord, the anti-prototype! Of course! I see it now! This could change everything!”

“Really?”

“Yes! Wait. No. No, that wouldn't work. Unless it was very, very large...”

There Should Be A Face

“First of all, I have to apologize for being late. I was reading conspiracy theories on the internet and lost track of time.”

“...?”

“That's not important. What's important is you coming to terms with your situation.”

“...”

“That's right. And since you're not anthropomorphized, you cannot move or speak, and you have no actual consciousness.”

“...?”

“Yes, I believe that's canon. If you had a little face drawn on you, you'd practically be a person.”

“...”

“You could say that I'm talking to myself, yes. You could say that all this is pointless. That's something I've been thinking a lot about lately. But I'm here, and you're here, and we have this time together, and I say we make the most of it.”

“...”

“Oh, no, I'm not a therapist.”

“...?”

“No, that would be crazy. Why would a mental health professional be talking to an inanimate object?”

“...?”

“That's a good question. It's too complicated to get into right now, but the simple answer is, I'm hot.”