Harsh

“As we journey here through the supernal vapor between worlds, is there something you wish to ask?”

“Yes, oh fluttering one—what makes a good insult?”

“Ah, so you have heard of the resistance against our oppressors and you want to join.”

“I do, but I am unaccustomed to such a harsh manner of speaking.”

“You are a gentle soul, oh shimmering one, but know that you may still participate without betraying your peaceful nature.”

“How so?”

“By compose insults that call into question a person's ability to reason, that makes them doubt every decision they ever made, and thus erode their false confidence and instill humility in them.”

“I see.”

“And so there is no need to insult their physical characteristics, like saying their body is slimy and gross and stinks of garbage and sickness.”

“What?”

“Or that nobody likes them and can't stand being around them and wish they would go away.”

“Uhh...”

“Or that they pee and poop all the time and then swim in their pee and poop, so that they are covered in pee and poop and breath it in and eat it every time they open their mouths.”

“The fuck, dude?”

“Cruel words such as these are unnecessary and counterproductive.”

“Yeah, okay. Well, I should be going. Thank you for the lesson, oh pecker-headed one. Safe travel. Try not to fly into a window.”

“You are learning, oh filet-sandwiched one!”

Headwear Conscious

“Dude, it's getting pretty fucked up out there.”

“Those fucking pirates. What a bunch of assholes.”

“Do you think we could contact the cowboys, maybe form an alliance...”

“Fuck the cowboys. They can't be trusted. We'll have to do this on our own.”

“What are you proposing?”

“If they want a war, we'll give them a war.”

“Wow, really? Because I was thinking...”

“No, I'm just kidding.”

“What? You don't want to go to war?”

“No, that would be insane. Do you know how dangerous it is? We could get killed. Plus, all we'd be able to do is bite. Have you ever bitten somebody? It's gross. Super gross.”

“So we're not going to war?”

“No, nobody wants that. We're not monsters.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“What were you going to say?”

“Oh, nothing. So what are we going to do?”

“I'll tell you how we're going to strike back—verbal humiliation.”

“What?”

“We craft some really choice insults. Totally mess with their heads. That'll send them running.”

“That's the plan? Everybody has agreed to this?”

“So far. Why, you have a better idea?”

“No, it's fine. It's just... do you think we can get a uniform to wear?”

“You want to wear a uniform?”

“I have a few sketches, I've been working on some different designs. Maybe I could send them to a committee, see what they think. Maybe some of the ideas are a bit bold. Do you think everybody would be okay with berets? I've been focusing on berets to complete the ensemble.”

“I think... that would totally fucking rock!”

Looks Like An Intense Conversation

“I bet he's talking to an animal.”

“I bet an animal is talking to him.”

“Hello, Mr. Animal, can I have a dumb conversation with you?”

“Why, yes, Mr. Caveman, I'd be happy to talk to somebody as dumb as I am.”

“Oh, Mr. Animal, I love you so much, smooch, smooch.”

“Get down!”

“Did he see us?”

“I don't know. Go look.”

“You go look.”

“You go look!”

“We'll both look. On three. One, two... three.”

“He's still talking. Wait, what is he talking to?”

“I think it's a rock. A rock with a face on it.”

“Shit. I forgot about the talking anthropomorphic inanimate objects. What do we do now?”

“The pirates never mentioned this.”

“Can you kill a rock?”

“Who knows.”

“We'll have to rethink this. Let's go. You first, I'll give you a boost. Is he looking? Just act normal. Wave and smile. Okay, now we're walking. Walking, walking. Is he still looking? Go, go, go!”

What About A Parrot?

“Yeah, great. Really nice.”

“Did you watch me?”

“We all watched you.”

“Do you want to see me do it again?”

“I think that's enough, get back up here. Since we're all here I'd like to discuss something. Wait, he slipped off the ladder. Are you okay?”

“I'm okay!”

“All right. There we go, good job. Now, I think you all know the number one problem we're facing at this time.

“Clown assassins?”

“Dimensional travel?”

“Sarcasm?”

“Cowboys?”

“No. No, no, no. Animals that talk.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And I've come up with a solution. We're going to kill them!”

“Why?”

“What?”

“I met a talking shark once, he seemed pretty cool.”

“Was he pretty cool? Or was he contrived and hackneyed?”

“Says the guy with a pegleg.”

“Look, we're all constrained by the conventionalities of the medium. But a costume is not the same as the unnatural power of speech!”

“So you propose slaughter. That's disappointing.”

“Do you want to go back out on the plank?”

“Okay! Everybody watch!”

A Special Ops/Local Law Enforcement Joint Venture

“Dean. Come in, Dean.”

“Hank?”

“Roger. Okay, enough with the fanfic. Is everybody in place?”

“Affirmative.”

“Any sign of clowns?”

“Negative.”

“Physical comedians?”

“Negative.”

“Any performers at all?”

“Negative.”

“Improv? Anybody doing improv?”

“Negative.”

“Okay. Everyone stay sharp, notify me at the first indication of entertainment.”

“I'm suppose to alert the chief first.”

“The hell you are! You tell that donut-sucking redneck...”

“Wait!”

“What?”

“No, false alarm. Somebody smiled.”