Employee Assessment Reports And Customer Feedback

“Your dumb sword is balanced all wrong, you dress like Santa Claus, and you never let us look behind the curtain, so we quit. Fuck you. Signed, everybody.”

“Eh.”

“This doesn't worry you, Your Majesty? Literally everybody signed this.”

“You didn't.”

“Nobody asked me to.”

“Well, they can go fuck themselves. I quit too.”

“They didn't even mention it.”

“Do you want a peek behind the curtain?”

“What? Really?”

“Last chance before I close up shop.”

“Wow! I've been waiting forever for this. I bet it's something sexy. Is it sexy?”

“Go ahead and find out.”

“Oh boy, oh boy. This is so exciting. Look, my hands are shaking! I'll just part the curtain here and slowly stick my head in... oh. This isn't sexy.”

“Of course not. There's nothing sexy about hackneyed ahistorical simulations that pass for entertainment for the nescient masses in a post-capitalist society. Now let's go get drunk.”

Baldy Is Upset

“What's your problem?”

“What's in your backpack?”

“What? Fuck off. I'm trying to concentrate here.”

“Are they watermelons? Are you carrying watermelons?”

“What do you care?”

“Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad. Why did you have to do that?”

“What the fuck? Look, do you know how hard it is to climb a wall like this? I'm hanging on by the tiniest of cracks. Don't bother me with your bullshit.”

“But you have watermelons! Two—no, three! Three watermelons in your backpack!”

“Leave me alone!”

“You're not going to get away with this!”

“Jesus christ, I... Hey!!! Stop throwing rocks!”

“Watermelons! Watermelons!”

“They're cantaloupes!!”

“Oh. Can I have one?”

I Was Worried There Would Be No More Meetings

“So I talked to the tech guys and told them that something seems really wrong here and apparently they know about all about it and they told me that everything should go back to normal by the end of the meeting.”

“And we can't stand up?”

“Don't stand up.”

“Do we need to keep our hands on the armrests?”

“Yes, don't let go.”

“Uh, I have to scratch my face.”

“Don't touch your face.”

“He just did.”

“Don't point! Oh, nothing happened. I was told not to move our arms.”

“I was told we have to stretch out our legs, like this.”

“Who told you that?”

“He did.”

“I thought you told me.”

“Guys, listen. Let's just ignore what's going on and continue with the meeting, okay? Now I think all the papers are piled up in the corner, could somebody gather them up? Great. Can you read what they say?”

“Uh, there seems to be lots of charts.”

“Okay.”

“I'm not great with charts.”

“Does anybody here understand char... oh, we're moving. We're moving! Careful, everyone! Try not to run into each other! That's it, maintain spacing. Good, good. And... we're back! Is everybody at the table? Great! The meeting is back to normal. Let me see one of those charts...”

“Look out the window. The sky looks funny.”

“I can't seem to stand up.”

“My face is really itchy.”

“Don't touch your face!”