I Find This Cartoon Really Disturbing. I Mean, Just Look At It For A While. It's Creepy, Right? Anyway, Happy Holidays!

“Do you want to get on?”

“No. I've been watching you guys and I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with this. You haven't moved at all and he's not even trying. Now I see he's not actually attached to the sleigh. The bag is squirming. I've never seen that house before. I don't think there's supposed to be mountains. I don't remember how I got here. I seem to be an animal. Have I always been an animal?”

“Do you want to get on?”

“Santa? Can you hear me, Santa? I'm kind of freaking out. Why are you doing this? Where is everybody?”

“Do you—“

“Stop! Just stop! I can't take it! I gotta get out of here!”

“Wow. Hey, Santa, I thought you said this would be funny?”

“Christmas is a fucking nightmare.”

I Hope I'm Not On A Watchlist

“I'm not happy with the mouth but what can you do.”

“And these are all the people he killed?”

“What? No. There's more in another cemetery.”

“Are these his special victims?”

“Not really. Nothing significant about these. I killed some of them. This one here is the sculptor.”

“How did he die?”

“Chisel through the mouth.”

“No, your husband.”

“His head got too big. No, just kidding. But it's true, his ego blinded him, he thought he was invulnerable. Just remember, you can be killed by anybody, at any time, for any reason. It has always been thus.”

“Is that why you brought me out here?”

“Dear, I'm offering you a job. You can join us and help end this war. We are the secret third faction, the hidden and the masked, the judges and the peacekeepers.”

“Wow, you sound like terr—”

“Oh, no. No no no. Not in this political climate, that's... We are dedicated towards empathy, respect, and nonviolence. I was only joking about the sculptor, he's alive and well. No, we change hearts and minds. Death is the last and least wanted option.”

“Don't worry, I'm not wearing a wire.”

“But you never know who could be listening.”

Holy Shit, It's Almost The Pirates!

“I feel like these can be construed as sexual too.”

“Bah. Can we not find a single non-prurient symbol?”

“Well, according to Freud...”

“Enough with your Freud! How long will he haunt us?”

“What if we went the opposite direction? Embrace the inherent context.”

“What do you suggest?”

“Two erect penises and a face flushed with ecstasy.”

“So your original suggestion.”

“Yes. The first and still the best idea, I think.”

“You know, I'm tired of fighting with you on this. You win. I assume you already have the flags printed?”

“They're in my bunk, I'll be right back.”

“Hurry, the pirates will be here any minute! I hope this war ends soon. I need to get me some.”