The Birderberg Group, Or The Bilderbird Group

“No, no, we've been getting way off track. We can't continue like this. Have we forgotten our mission? What has always been our main goal? Anybody?”

“Serving our stockholders?”

“Maximizing profit?”

“Sir...”

“Our goal is to fly! No, not fly. Our goal is to destroy global society! Remember? Remember the oaths you all took? Remember the agendas, the phases, all the careful planning? How did we lose our way?”

“Sir...”

“We can't just keep spouting anti-capitalist nonsense and hope the seeds of discord will disseminate. We need to take a more active role. We need to undermine, we need to obfuscate, we need to misdirect, but most of all, we need a plan! We need to find our way back to the grand conspiracy of our elders!”

“Sir...”

“Yes, Henderson, what!?”

“Are we parrots?”

“Are we... yes, Henderson, we are parrots. Why?”

“I don't know, I thought I might be a cockatoo. I don't know why, it's just a thing I've been thinking about lately. Never mind, this isn't the right time, sorry. False flags! Secret societies! What were we talking about?”

Keep Them Coming

“Now remember, we're recreating an important meeting in the history of this company, and the people you're portraying will be in the audience, so we have to get their personalities right. Billy, make sure you act like your head is up your own butt.”

“Whaaat?”

“Not literally. It just means you have no awareness. You're an oblivious asshole. Got it?”

“I guess.”

“Suzy, you only think of yourself. If it's not about you, just ignore it.”

“Right. All about me, got it.”

“Great. Jimmy, you are the dumbest person in the world. The dumbest person ever. Do you think you can do that?”

“Durrrr...”

“Awesome, perfect. And don't be afraid to go off script. Go with the moment, make something up, run around, do whatever feels right.”

“Mr. Carlson, you don't like this company very much, do you?”

“Oh my god, no I don't. It's terrible. I'm wasting my life here. They come up with the stupidest ideas, like putting on performances with child actors about things that don't matter. Who does that? But hey, that doesn't mean we can't put on a great show! Okay, good rehearsal everyone. The show is in an hour, just stay here and relax and have fun, I'm going to go get a drink. See you later.”

“Aren't these corporate gigs sweet? What a freakshow.”

My Anti-Corporate Streak Continues

“Let's see. 'Locate recessed cartouche on right flank seven hands high.' My right? No, probably not. Okay, the flank, this is the flank. Is this the flank? This should be the flank. Seven hands. Good thing I've always wanted to be a cowboy... here it is. 'To open panel, press sequence: scarab, ibis, ankh.' Boop, boop, boop. Wow! That's a lot of blinking lights. Are these real jewels? 'Ascertain current quadrant of Sirius and consult following chart.' Huh. Well, I've haven't gotten this far without taking some chances. Blue, white, green, blue, red. Nothing? Red, red, white, blue, yellow. Green, red, yellow...”

“I AWAKE.”

“Whoa! Nice. Can you... hang on, let me get back to my desk. Ahem. I understand you can answer any question?”

“YES.”

“You can see all and know the future?”

“YES.”

“Great. That's perfect. I don't have any questions right now, actually I'm late to a meeting, but when I get back maybe I'll have some, or maybe not, hard to say. I'm a CEO! Yay!”

Fish? The Futility Of All Endeavors?

“Guess what's in the barrel.”

“I don't care.”

“Come on, guess. You have to guess. Everybody guesses. It's what we do.”

“Fine. Water.”

“Nope.”

“Sand.”

“Nope.”

“It's empty. Air.”

“Nope.”

“Fire?”

“Come on, are you going to take this seriously?”

“I give up, I don't know.”

“You can't give up. Keep guessing, you'll get it. Mitch got it eventually. Right, Mitch? Eh? Mitch stopped talking since he found out what's in the barrel.”

“Give me a hint.”

“Think metaphorical.”

“Metaphorical? Like, freedom?”

“Close.”

“Truth? Wisdom? The status quo? Is that in the barrel? How about consensual delusion? The absurdity of late-stage capitalism?”

“Shh, keep it down.”

“The hollow promises of the ruling elite? The realm of the gibbering corporate gods? The worldwide machine that uses human life as fuel?”

“Did you peek?”