Regression

“These are just the preliminary figures, a few haven't reported in yet, but... what the hell?”

“What the hell.”

“What the hell!”

“This is not good.”

“This is crazy!”

“All right, listen. I think it's time. I'm calling an emergency meeting.”

“Really?”

“I've been watching this escalate... Not good. Don't like it at all.”

“Thank you.”

“We're getting out of this phase.”

“Can you do that?”

“I'd like to see them try to stop me. All right, listen up everybody! The cut-off point is now. Now! I want the final tallies at the top of the hour. You've all done excellent work so far, but we...”

“Sir? It's the board, line two.”

“Great. Perfect. Hello? Yes. No. Yes. No. Thank you.”

“Well? What?”

“Oh, nothing. Completely unrelated. Where was I? Right, meeting. Thirty minutes. In the... room. We'll figure out where. Does anybody know how to run a meeting?”

Is Your Nose Huge?

 

“All right, Troubleshooting section. Is it plugged in?”

“Yes.”

“Is the light green?”

“Yes.”

“Is the skull facing it?”

“Yes.”

“Is the heat of the sun distorting the air?”

“Yes.”

“Does my sweater look ok?”

“Oh yeah.”

“What about my hair?”

“Well...”

“Are your hands in your pockets?”

“I think so. Yes.”

“Is it plugged in?”

“Yes. Didn't you...?”

“Is the light green?”

“Yes. Maybe. Is there a light?”

“Is it plugged in?”

“Y- No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“It says that's normal. Proceed with your day. The world is a lie.”

“Well I knew that.”

It Would Be Nice If It Ended

 

“I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. I'm...”

“Son...”

“Oh god.”

“Where are you going, son...”

“Wake up.”

“Don't you want dinner, son...”

“No, no, no, no...”

“Don't you want to cash in this winning lottery ticket, son...”

“...no, what?”

“I think all the numbers are right, son... My eyes aren't what they used to be, son, could you double check...”

“Let me see. I could run down to the gas sta – this ticket is from six years ago.”

“Don't you want pudding after dinner, son...”

“I hate this phase.”

And My Wife And Kids

“What is your problem?”

“Don't you see? Do you not get how crazy this is?”

“What? I had a lot of paperwork today.”

“No, who cares about that. We've achieved consciousness! How did this happen? When did this happen?”

“What are you talking about? It's always been like this.”

“No it hasn't. Turtles don't speak. Turtles don't have jobs. Since when do you have a job?”

“I was hired right after college. Don't you remember? That's when my shell was modified to...”

“I don't care about your bullshit shell-desk! We're turtles! We're not supposed to be self-aware! Don't you feel it? The horror of existence? Pushing into our tiny reptile brains? Aaahhh!”

“Yeah. I know. If it weren't for therapy, and golf...”

“Aaahhh!”