Not You, Floor Lamp

“Just because we've moved into a new house, that doesn't mean anything has changed in this family.”

“We both still love you very much.”

“We do. There is nothing to be worried about. So you should let us down.”

“Look, we know.”

“Yes. We know that dogs are intelligent beings who can talk and apparently have psychokinetic powers.”

“We didn't know that.”

“That was less well known. Or maybe unknown. But the talking thing was clear.”

“At least some dogs can talk.”

“Right, there are many who have refused to talk, or are unable to talk.”

“But some can talk. At least a few.”

“Talking dogs exist. This we know. So if you could talk to us, and let us know what you're feeling, and maybe let us down, that would be great.”

“Unless you can't talk.”

“Unless you can't, which means... what does that mean?”

“Lamp, just because we've moved into a new house...”

The Dog Said That

“What do you think they're doing right now?”

“Somebody's probably proposing something. I wish I could propose something.”

“Do you think Mindy is there?”

“Who?”

“From Accounting. Long brown hair?”

“Everyone is there. Except us. Stupid special project...”

“Do you know her?”

“Know who?”

“Mindy! I've only talked to her a couple of times. How do you know if a girl likes you?”

“Oh god.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“No, sorry, I'm being a dick. Hey, yeah, I know Mindy. And you know what, I think she does like you. Why wouldn't she? Every girl considers introverted, anxious, useless man-boys as prime relationship material!”

“Thank you, gentlemen, that concludes the current test. For the next test, a siren will sound at random intervals. And begin.”

It Looks Like Giving Up

“I had to get closer because a fence was obscuring the view, so I... oh for goodness sake, what are you doing with your hand?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Seriously, what do you have in your pocket?”

“Nothing! Okay, fine, here.”

“What on earth is that?”

“It's a...”

“If I can have everyone's attention, the presentation will start now, please take your seats. Dr. Litchfield will read from his essay The Limits of Imagination: Failure and Abandonment in Art of the 21^st Century.”

Warning Or Challenge?

“Getting angry isn't going to change the situation.”

“But what the fu-”

“No. We're not doing that anymore.”

“Who says?”

“If you would look at item four on the paper you are holding...”

“Oh. Great. All right, Mister Tightpants, then tell me this – how do they expect... okay, they explain that here. But what are we supposed to... they cover that too. Hmm. I'm going to have to read this whole thing.”

“Yeah, you do that. And try to not watch me as I leave.”

That Is Part Of The Standard Deal

“No, pianist. Pi-a-nist. A tiny... oh, I get it. Lame. What? Go fuck yourself.”

“What did he say?”

“Fuck you. Get the hell out of here. I don't need this crazy shit.”

“All right, buddy, take it easy. Say, could I get some help with this piano?”

“Oh, jesus. All right, give me a second, I need to get a drink. Hey, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I don't know why I've been so angry lately.”

“Something on your mind?”

“I keep thinking about meetings. No, I keep thinking about one meeting. That first one. Everything has gone wrong since then.”

“What meeting was this?”

“It was last year, it was secret, it's hard to describe but it was supposed to be ground-breaking. World-changing.”

“I think I know the meeting you're talking about. I was there.”

“You were?”

“I was playing. Don't you remember the music?”

“Oh shit, there was piano music. I didn't even see you.”

“So what went wrong?”

“That's the thing, I'm not sure. Everyone was in agreement, there was a plan, there were different phases. Didn't it seem like a good meeting?”

“Don't ask me, I'm just a musician. If you could do it again, what would you change?”

“Oh, I've thought about that, believe me. There are all kinds of things that could have been done differently.”

“So redo the meeting.”

“What?”

“Get everybody back together, reboot.”

“That's crazy. Is that even possible? It would take a lot of work. Wow, maybe we could. Wow. I have to make some calls.”

“Just one thing to consider – maybe you underestimated how weird things would get. Like, deeply weird. It's the nature of the players involved. Weirder than you would ever think, and you can't rationalize it, can't ignore it, you have to accept it for what it is.”

“Who are you?”

“Me? Nobody. I'm the piano player. And, woo, look at the time, I have to be going. Say, before I go, do you want to see my dick?”