But Not Hung Up On Looks Apparently

“This is really awkward, but I wanted you two to meet so that...”

“What is he doing with his arms?”

“Uh, let's see. Double guns? Pew pew? I think he's nodding. I'm getting really good at this!”

“He doesn't talk?”

“No, never. Anyway, I thought...”

“Why does he have a briefcase?”

“I don't know, he grabbed it on the way out. Oh, okay. Here we go, open and... a present! For him? For you, here you go. Open it, let's see! He is so thoughtful. Beef jerky! I mentioned once that you like beef jerky, isn't that amazing? So thoughtful.”

“Yeah, thanks. Look, I have to say, I don't see the point to this. If you're leaving me for him, just do it. I don't need to know the details. I knew this was coming, our marriage was falling apart, I've accepted it, I'm fine with all of this, really.”

“He has an enormous cock!”

“Oh boy.”

“Sorry. Why did I say that? Maybe it was a mistake coming here. We should leave. Yes, let's go. I'll pick up my things tomorrow. Goodbye.”

“Duke, you can come out from under there now. That is some fucked up shit, isn't it?”

Zombies Are Total Bullshit

“So if corpses start rising and walking around, why would they necessarily be aggressive? Why assume they become killers?”

“I don't know, so they can spread the zombie virus?”

“Is it a virus? A virus that kills a living person and animates a dead person? And couldn't it spread by touch, or a sneeze?”

“I don't know! What do you want from me?”

“Sorry, I didn't mean to take it out on you. This was supposed to be a nice weekend. Seems like everything went bad after I made these cookies. Stupid fucking cookies. Why did I make them, look at how fat I'm getting. I don't know why you're still with me. You should just let me die. Better for everybody.”

“Puuusssssyyy...”

“Hey! Not cool. I'm adding that to the list of why zombies are bullshit.”

Age Is Wasted On The Aged

“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Why are you playing your guitar?”

“No reason. Do you like it?”

“I guess? I don't know.”

“It's not the sound that's important, it's the attitude. Strike a pose. Command the room. All eyes on me.”

“Where's Mom?”

“She left early. You wouldn't know this, but I had it all when I was younger. Looks, hair, style. Oh the women. They were falling all over me.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Then it was gone. So quickly. Like it was nothing. Like I'm nothing. Time is a bitch. Get up! GET UP! It's a new day! Don't waste it! Or do waste it! I don't know! I haven't figured it out yet! There are no rules and consequences are arbitrary! Dance, or go to school, or kill the neighbors, I don't care! Do nothing and defy everything! It doesn't matter! Breakfast in five. I have to get to work. Good talk. Love ya, honey!”

“...fucked up shit...”

“What?”

“Nothing!”

Godzilla Is Done With It

“IT'S OVER.”

“Aaaand it's over. Finally. That was a long meeting. Anyway, good job everybody. I'll see you all tomorrow.”

“But... what?”

“We're done for today. Go home, rest up, we have a big day tomorrow.”

“But... okay. Wow, that was weird! Right? No? I'm okay. No, I'm fine.”

“Sir, what's next?”

“We'll cover that tomorrow.”

“It's just that there's been no word. Why hasn't it been previewed?”

“That's intentional. We'll cover that in the next meeting. Good night everyone.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“...Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Shh. I know what's coming next.”

“What? How?”

“I peeked. Don't tell anyone.”

“So what is it?”

“It's... it's hard to explain. It seems a bit strange.”

“Really?”

“You know, sarcasm doesn't translate... never mind. I'm just saying it might be unusual. Out of character. Maybe. There have been a few intimations in the past. Moments of inappropriateness. Do you remember? Something like that, but more. I think that's what's coming.”

“Wow, you're a big help.”

“Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself?”

“What?”

“Oops, I think it's starting.”