Hats Account For Fifty Percent Of Scores

“Is that it? I think that's it. Check the time?”

“Checking.”

“I think we're good on time.”

“Yes. We're clear.”

“Good. One less worry. Now the results. Have the points come in?”

“Not yet.”

“What score are we shooting for?”

“Thirties.”

“So low? Our hats alone should be worth twenty-five.”

“It was an obvious recovery move. And absurdity can be seen as weak, especially at this point in the game. But at least we're not making animals out of sticks.”

“Hey! Oh, points - thirty-two.”

“All right. Nobody can say we didn't try. Rescue boat is here. Let's head out. Sleeping With The Pigeons is concluded.”

“Or A Study of Ties: Buoyant Cement.”

Duran Duran

“Breathe in. Now out.”

“I suppose you're wondering...”

“No.”

“But aren't you curious...”

“No.”

“I'm not really...”

“Don't want to hear it.”

“Why won't...”

“I've been banned from cosplaying, all right? At every convention! The world is apparently not ready for a Thor/Barbarella mash-up. So do you want to be congratulated on a traditional and safe and boring costume? Well here you go buddy, a nice pat on the back.”

“Do you need a Loki?”

“No.”

Measuring Winces And Eye Rolls

“And this is the sandbox filled with baby teeth.”

“Whoa. Wait a minute.”

“What?”

“How did you get these boards into this room? They're way too long to even fit down this hallway, let alone the stairwell.”

“Through the window, by crane.”

“Ah. Yes.”

“Now in this next room is the lab where we test the hackiness of jokes.”

It's Been A Rough Month

“Is this the process now? A constant cycle of breaking and repair?”

“You said that last time.”

“Was that you? That conversation took place outside my head?”

“Don't lose focus. We're almost ready.”

“Too late. It's lost. I'm done. Go ahead and fix it, I'll just sit here. If you feel the need to report me, I understand. Man, this sand feels nice. Isn't it just broken rocks? Let everything break, I say. It's going to break anyway. No point fighting it. Look at this! Look at all this! This is harmony. The sea and the sky. Nothing to fall apart. No goal. We're aberrations. We shouldn't be here. All of our plans. Pointless.”

“There. Keep an eye on this dial. Call me if there's trouble.”

“Sure. I'll just lie back and, hey, I can still reach the button. Just swing my arm like so. Boom. But what's going to break first? The machine? Me? The sky? Oh, he left. On to the next repair. Fighting that entropy. Whatever.”

“Oh by the way...”

“Gah!”

“...they said you're doing a great job, keep it up. Here's your bonus. See you later.”

“Dammit. Stupid incentives.”

Mmm, Smoked Salmon

“My nephew, he's studying design, he wants to get into advertising, he decided to do a project for my store, and there you go. Now, you wanted the smoked salmon?”

“But what does it mean?”

“Nothing. I don't know. It means, uh, turkeys. Time to eat a turkey. It has nothing to do with dinosaurs.”

“What?”

“Or monsters. Monster birds. It's styrofoam, I can lift the whole thing, see? It's meant as an attraction, a conversation starter. It has nothing to do with nightmares, or the unknowable, or the madness of flesh.”

“Madness of...”

“The inescapable connection between life and consumption. Endless ingestion and reproduction and growth. It's a turkey. An oversized turkey. A stupid advertisement. I shouldn't say stupid, he's a good kid. He tries. How are your boys, Mrs. Miller?”

“Good. They're fine.”

“And I bet they're always hungry. I remember that age. Always eating. So hungry. Growing. Devouring. I'll get your salmon.”

I Honestly Don't Know What Happened

“HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN ASLEEP?”

“What?”

“Holy crap, this is bad. What did I miss? Who's turn is it? WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?”

“What?”

“All right, I have to get a grip. Assess the situation. This is fixable. DID I MISS ANY... oh.”

“I can't hear you from the kitchen.”

“Good morning, Mary, how are you?”

Trunk Typing

“Hivemind!”

“Grandpa...”

“Don't you see how the internet affects your consciousness? No, of course you don't, not from the inside. The internet is thoughts, pure thoughts, colliding and merging, ultimately subsuming the self, creating an entity, a human-machine hybrid overmind! And you're only a neuron!”

“I know you're kidding.”

“But did I have you going for a sec? Ohh, let me sit down. It's fine, kiddo, it's all right. Just don't waste your life. Try not to waste it. Maybe we're doomed to waste it. So much time. Too much time.”

“Are you okay, Grandpa?”

“Eh, I think it's the new medication. My mouth tastes like wood and I keep seeing anthropomorphized animals. Man, I wish the singularity would hurry up and get here.”

There Has To Be A Penalty For That

“Phase two has started.”

“Right. Really? Phase two. Huh. Phase two.”

“Do you remember what phase two is?”

“Yes, of course. Does this have to do with the meeting?”

“This has to do with the game.”

“Ohhhh. Yeah, yeah. Phase two.”

“All right. I guess that's it. I have to go back now. You can continue with... what is this installation called?”

“Woodland Memories: An Oddity In Autumn.”

“Oh. I would have called it Stix Bucks.”

That Tumblr Really Is Good

“I told him, why does it matter? It doesn't have anything to do with you!”

“And how does... damn... does he respond?”

“Oh, he just mopes. It took him by surprise, I guess, but he should have expected it. He wants to be unique. And he thinks the blog is better than his.”

“And how do you feel... come on, are you kidding me?... how do you feel about Suck My Dick, New Yorker Caption Contest?”

“What, me? I don't know about these things. I told him he should caption something else, if it bothers him so much, but he said he doesn't know if that's like giving up. The thing is, I don't know if anybody is even reading his blog. I don't think he knows either, or how much it matters to him. I don't know, he's hard to understand.”

“What do you think... yes, yes... you should do... nice... about this situation?”

“I have no idea. Nothing? It's his problem. He should be here talking to you. You know what? He should move on. Try something different. Is he even happy with these cartoons? I mean, look, three guys watching football in a psychiatrist's office? What are you supposed to do with that? Oh, and you can suck my dick.”

It Does Sound Nice

“Well, I'd like to start this meeting by, um, deciding what goes on during a meeting. Anyone? Just a basic outline. Something we can use as a guide.”

“Sir, when you hired us, you knew we didn't have any experience.”

“But surely some of you have been to a meeting before. Yes? No? No one? Okay. We can work through this. I feel like we should be discussing business. We should have a business talk. Now, what kind of business are we?”

“Aren't we a bank?”

“Yes, that's right. So we should talk about money. Investments and loans and other things.”

“Allocation of funds.”

“What did you say?”

“Allocation of funds?”

“I'm writing that down. Allocation of funds. Very good. Sounds nice. So, how much money do we have? Anyone?”

“I think that, sir, because we just started, we don't have any money yet.”

“Ah, so we're waiting for people to deposit money. Well, that should be our first agenda then. And I believe I will put you in charge of that. Actually, this will be simple – you will be in charge of deposits, you'll be in charge of loans, you'll be in charge of investments, and of course you will be in charge of allocation of funds. How does that sound? Everybody okay with that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Excellent. We're making progress. Now I think the next agenda should be, uh, to figure out how to end this meeting. We can discuss any ideas anyone has. Because I feel like it might be a problem.”

Sticky Chaps

“Hold-up? Are we here to break the law?”

“No, I said, what's holding us up?”

“These things don't move, we're not exactly going anyplace.”

“No, I mean, how are we attached... Wait, these things don't move? We can move. You just rock it side to side. There you go. Easy. Careful. Whoa, hard to steer.”

“Are we supposed to be doing this?”

“If nobody tells us the rules, are there any rules to speak of?”

“Just feels peculiar, is all.”

“Stay if you want. I'm going looking for some answers. Number one, how to get off.”

“Keep rocking it, I reckon. Hang on, I'm coming too. Sorry.”

You Should Try It Sometime

“I'm so glad you showed up. Aren't you going to need a straw?”

“Well, yeah, I guess. Or...”

“Hi, excuse me? Could I get a straw?”

“...I could lift up the... No, all right.”

“Thank you. There you go.”

“Right. That works. Thanks.”

“Now, you said we met before?”

“Once. Briefly. I'm sure you wouldn't remember me.”

“You don't seem familiar at all.”

“I don't think we even said hi. It was one of those round of introductions, you know. A flurry of names.”

“Okay, good. Perfect, actually. Yes, I think this will fit perfectly. Should I just get to it?”

“Sure.”

“This is the map. This is the key. This is the message. This is the package. Now this, you hold it like this and press this stud. But only at the last moment. That's the most important thing. Only at the very last moment.”

“Can ask I you something?”

“Yes.”

“Where did you get this bag, a farmer's market? It smells amazing.”

Rumours

 

“Is that what you were talking about?”

“Oh, yeah, that's one example. He says that when he looks up he feels like he'll float away. Or that he'll float for a while, then forget how and drop like a rock. Then the feeling started happening in his house. So he decided to do this and not go outside. But he's not a hoarder or anything. It's very sparse inside actually. No furniture. He likes to be close to the floor. Be careful about the birds. They're small and don't have cages. There was something else. I can't remember. We won't be in long anyway. Don't ask any questions, just let him talk.”

“And you're sure he knows where the next meeting will take place?”

“Fleetwood Mac. Always playing in the background. No, I'm not sure.”

Zeroing In

“Hahhhhhnnnnnnnn!”

“Wohhhhhhhnnnn!”

“Hawwwwwwnnnnnnn!'

“Wahhhwwwwnnnn!”

“Hwahhhwwwhhhnnn! Like that. Every time in first gear. Mechanic says it's normal but it never sounded like that before. So annoying. Oh crap, is he looking at us? Act casual.”

Third Arm Too

“If that was a baseball, would you barge in here with a bat?!”

“I... what? Whoa, are you attaching a second head to that guy?”

“Out! Security! Somebody get him out of here!”

“Fine! But if this hospital wasn't here, this could be a golf course! Think about that! Now who's intruding? Oh, hello officers. Yes, no problem. Just let me mark my ball first.”

He's Just Having Coffee

“Honey, where's the car?”

“In the driveway.”

“Well crap, somebody stole our car.”

“Oh, I remember, there was a car blocking the driveway so I parked in front of the neighbors.”

“It's not there.”

“The other neighbors.”

“Oh. Whoo. What a way to start the morning.”

“I'm running late. Please tell me you won't just have coffee for breakfast?”

“Yeah, I'll fix something. Then I guess it's back to chiseling.”

Project E-D

“The engineers tell me it's perfectly safe.”

“No, I mean, are you sure we have to go through with this?”

“You know how important this meeting is.”

“Yes, but I can't help but feel that they were joking.”

“Look, it's simple, the guys in PR explained it all to me. Symbolic flight, shooting out over the world, the thrust of a new beginning, it's seminal, it's...”

“Wait, hang on. What am I symbolizing?”

“You're the voyager, the explorer. This is an act of discovery, of creation, a blossoming of energy and velocity and sacrifice...”

“I'm getting out.”

“No, no, I'm talking about the sacrifice of building this machine, the cost. Look at the size of this thing! Do you know how many man-hours were spent erecting it? But seriously, it'll be fine.”

“Will it?”

“Maybe. No. Yeah, get out. This is a terrible idea.”

Get Served?

“Excuse me, waiter?”

“Yes, sir?”

“I can't stop looking at my fish.”

“I'm sorry?”

“I can't seem to look away. It's almost like it's trying to tell me something.”

“Perhaps I should get the manager. One moment, please.”

“Are you going to talk? Hmm? Yes? No, I didn't think so."

“Sir, I'm the manager, how can I help you?”

“Yes, I can't… Oh! That did it. That was weird. It was like if I looked away, or even blinked, I was going to miss something... uh oh.”

“That fish. Did that fish just...?”

The Ancient Greek Buildings In The Distance?

“I saw a girl in the park yesterday. She was sitting on the ground with two others, her legs drawn up, her arms around her knees. Head down, long hair, never saw her face. It feels dumb and cliched that I felt something, but it also seems mysterious. Like if there were a thousand girls in the same pose I still would have noticed her.”

“Savor it. The sharpness, the doubt, the sadness, the regret. It's the purest of loves. And the memory will be gone soon enough. It's perfect.”

“But I feel like there's something I'm not getting. Something about myself, something about the world, absurdly obvious and I can't see it. It's right there, right in front of me...”

Robe - Cotton/Polyester Blend, Actually

“What is that bolt made out of?”

“Fiberglass.”

“Fiberglass! Are you kidding? Look at this - plywood. Solid, simple. That's all you need. Don't have to fancy it up. I'm just kidding, use whatever you want. Plastic, metal. Doesn't matter, who cares. So, what's your cloud made of?”

“Memory foam.”

“Memory foam! What in the world is that? Look - wool. Fluff it up, looks just like a cloud. I don't even know what yours looks like. An expensive blob. I'm kidding, it looks fine. Looks great. Very cloud-like.”

“Can I throw now?”

“Yeah, go ahead. I was just having fun. Go for it. Let it rip. Whenever you're ready. There are no gods.”

There Are Leash Laws For A Reason

“Not at all – we get many first-timers here and I'm happy to explain. This instrument has been designed to emit subsonic frequencies that stimulate parts of the brain and evoke certain moods and images. For example, if I may, this is a simple melody called 'Sunset at Beach'.”

♫

“Oh!”

“Oh, that is lovely.”

“Thank you. Here is a list of songs I can perform, if you so wish. Note that these are full songs, carefully crafted for a rich and vivid experience.”

“Hmm. 'Road Trip Through Mountains in Autumn'. 'Surfing, Party, Bonfire'. 'Chateau After Skiing'.”

“Wait, wait. Dear - 'Picnic in Park, Interrupted by Thunderstorm'.”

“What? Are you kidding?”

“It's like when he proposed. We'll hear that one.”

“Excellent.”

“Can I ask you though, will there be a lake?”

“Ah, I believe you will perceive just a small pond.”

“Could you add a lake?”

“Unfortunately I cannot take requests. The complexity of these songs make improvisations nearly impossible.”

“Really? You seem quite competent, and I'm betting you have aspirations of being a songwriter. Couldn't you at least give it a try? I can make it worth your while.”

“I really shouldn't, but it's such a slight change... Yes, I believe I can do it. If you insist.”

“Proceed, then, Maestro.”

♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

“Astounding.”

“Wonderful.”

“Truly amazing. The lake and everything. Genius.”

“You are too kind.”

“I have to ask though, why the dog?

“Dog?”

“There was a dog in your song. A stray dog.”

“It was running around like crazy.”

“Yes, ran by, snatched some fried chicken right out of my hand!”

“I am so sorry. Obviously I made an error.”

“Well, no matter. It was a beautiful song.”

“It was. I loved it.”

“Thank you. And sorry for the mistake.”

“Think nothing of it.”

“Please enjoy the rest of your evening.”

“Thank you.”

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

“Did you see anything?”

“Not really.”

“Me neither. Sometimes I wonder about this place.”

Nobody Likes Gary

“Tulpa.”

“What?”

“What? Nothing. I just... I thought I saw something by Gary. Don't look. But do you see it? Don't look!”

“Are you okay?”

“I don't know. No, I'm okay. That was weird. I must have nodded off for a second.”

“Shh.”

“Yeah, Gary, all right. We'll keep it down.”

“Hey, what were you mumbling about? Pulp? Bulk?”

“Have you seen Fight Club?”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“What does a mental breakdown look like? How do you draw the line between reality and... not? You think you're making progress, making a new discovery, but what if it's all delusion. There's nothing to discover. A trip to nowhere. Or did you catch a glimpse of something? Something bleeding through the world. Even if it looks ridiculous.”

“Shh.”

“Shh yourself, Gary. Jesus.”

Tomatoes, Not So Great

“You look disappointed.”

“I didn't make it. Everything is slightly off tonight. The wind isn't right, the moon is too low. Got lost, ended up in Mrs. Denison's garden. You should see the size of her zucchinis.”

“I bet. Can I get you something? Tea? Socks?”

“I know you think it's a joke, but if this meeting is going to take place it must be on their terms.”

“Yes, but what if they're pulling your leg?”

“But doesn't it makes sense? Everything old stripped away, approaching the world unencumbered. A new beginning, simple and natural.”

“How about Mrs. Denison's cucumbers?”

“Huge.”