The Dick Jokes May Continue For A While

“How about this?”

“Yeah, man, yeah. That's real sharp.”

“So I can be in your army now?”

“Sure, man. You were always able to join. We're a collective of free beings.”

“And who are we attacking?”

“Systematic exploitation.”

“Who?”

“Everybody who participates in the great modern con.”

“All of them?”

“As many as we can find.”

“And what do we do to them?”

“We poke them.”

“Cool. Make them bleed.”

“Nah, man, just a little prick.”

“Hey!”

These Are All Good Nicknames For Your Partner

“He's going to have sex with it, isn't he?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Metaphysically.”

“Ah.”

“Have you ever seen someone manifest an incorporeal dong?”

“Haven't we all?”

“He suddenly decided to carve out a material receptacle for his numinous member.”

“Seems like a waste of time. Why not just stick it in an unearthly hole?”

“We've been doing that for years.”

Sweet Street

“Do you have a penis?”

“Do I have a... what kind of question is that?”

“It's a perfectly natural question. Do you feel uncomfortable answering it?”

“No. No, I don't have a penis. I'm a car.”

“You say that as if it's impossible for a car to have a penis.”

“Cars do not have penises.”

“Do you want a penis?”

“Why don't you ask me if I want a vagina?”

“Nobody wants a vagina. When you think about penises, what comes to mind?”

“I don't think about them. I only think about roads and streets.”

“And you have sexual fantasies about them.”

“All the time.”

“How does a car have sex with a street?”

“You sort of gently drag your dick along...”

“Aha!”

Ocean Madness

“Does this seem pretty fucked up?”

“What do you mean?”

“Fucked up, as in, not only a bad decision, but physically impossible?”

“Are you blaming me now?”

“Come on, you know that's not what I meant.”

“We're almost home, let's just talk about it then.”

“Talk about what? Living in an insane world?”

“Look—it happened, and we can't go back now.”

“I guess so. But I wonder what we're supposed to do next.”

“Unpack our bags, feed the cat, fix supper. What are you hungry for?”

“What do we got?”

“Duuude.”

“Shut the fuck up, whale.”

Meetings!

“So there is a meeting.”

“What? No. No, we're just... filing a report.”

“Where is it? Which room?”

“There's no meeting today. It was canceled.”

“How many people are going to be there? Who's running it?”

“There hasn't been a meeting for a long time. I was just saying, like, dude, what happened to all the meetings?”

“Are there going to be papers and graphs and agendas? Is there going to be a presentation?”

“Look, there's something I should tell you.”

“Dude, don't tell him.”

“He should know, all right? He should know what people are saying. You're a meeting freak.”

“You're a meeting nutball.”

“You are way too into meetings. You were making people uncomfortable.”

“Oh, great. I happen to like meetings and everybody thinks I'm crazy. I suppose if I said that meetings are a normal part of modern life, that they're the essence of civilization, the distillation of the human condition, and if we were to go to enough meetings, incessant meetings, a lifetime of meetings, our souls will be purified and we will finally grasp the mind of God, I suppose everybody would think I'm a lunatic.”

“Sort of. But we're not going to a meeting. This is more of an informal snake chat.”

“Blasphemer!”

Highly Recommended

“Just pick something. Anything. It doesn't matter. Come on, hurry up.”

“What do you mean it doesn't matter?”

“You won't get any food. There is no food.”

“Then why are you taking our order?”

“Because this is my table. But I'll show you something—look underneath. That's right, it's not a table. I shouldn't even be here.”

“Should we be sitting here?”

“Everything is a mistake. Consensus is falling apart. Savor the terrible freedom. Sit there as long as you'd like. Would you like a steak? I recommend the steak. I'll write that down. Two steaks. Very good. I'm going to go away now. I won't be back. I don't know what happens next. Maybe I'm wrong about everything. I usually am. Goodbye.”

“Hmm. Should we leave?”

“I say we wait. I'm not sure how else we can get some food.”

Oh Dear, I'm Being Watched

“Hello, everyone. I feel like I should explain myself, because this can't look good. It looks like I have engaged in an act of murderous destruction, correct? I wish I could prove to you that it isn't, but I give you my word that my intent was never to harm. The situation may even look, to some of you, sexual in nature. Not to everyone, of course, only a certain element—I'm sure you're aware of the more prurient aspects of online culture, no need to get into that. No, I'm afraid the explanation for my behavior isn't quite so straightforward. There are forces at work that few have grasped. There are fissures forming in the facade of reality and an extrinsic actuality is bleeding through. The sea is not immune. No one is safe. I lie on this forsaken island as proof of the contagion of being. And I was having sex, you were totally right.”