Meetings!

“So there is a meeting.”

“What? No. No, we're just... filing a report.”

“Where is it? Which room?”

“There's no meeting today. It was canceled.”

“How many people are going to be there? Who's running it?”

“There hasn't been a meeting for a long time. I was just saying, like, dude, what happened to all the meetings?”

“Are there going to be papers and graphs and agendas? Is there going to be a presentation?”

“Look, there's something I should tell you.”

“Dude, don't tell him.”

“He should know, all right? He should know what people are saying. You're a meeting freak.”

“You're a meeting nutball.”

“You are way too into meetings. You were making people uncomfortable.”

“Oh, great. I happen to like meetings and everybody thinks I'm crazy. I suppose if I said that meetings are a normal part of modern life, that they're the essence of civilization, the distillation of the human condition, and if we were to go to enough meetings, incessant meetings, a lifetime of meetings, our souls will be purified and we will finally grasp the mind of God, I suppose everybody would think I'm a lunatic.”

“Sort of. But we're not going to a meeting. This is more of an informal snake chat.”

“Blasphemer!”

Highly Recommended

“Just pick something. Anything. It doesn't matter. Come on, hurry up.”

“What do you mean it doesn't matter?”

“You won't get any food. There is no food.”

“Then why are you taking our order?”

“Because this is my table. But I'll show you something—look underneath. That's right, it's not a table. I shouldn't even be here.”

“Should we be sitting here?”

“Everything is a mistake. Consensus is falling apart. Savor the terrible freedom. Sit there as long as you'd like. Would you like a steak? I recommend the steak. I'll write that down. Two steaks. Very good. I'm going to go away now. I won't be back. I don't know what happens next. Maybe I'm wrong about everything. I usually am. Goodbye.”

“Hmm. Should we leave?”

“I say we wait. I'm not sure how else we can get some food.”

Oh Dear, I'm Being Watched

“Hello, everyone. I feel like I should explain myself, because this can't look good. It looks like I have engaged in an act of murderous destruction, correct? I wish I could prove to you that it isn't, but I give you my word that my intent was never to harm. The situation may even look, to some of you, sexual in nature. Not to everyone, of course, only a certain element—I'm sure you're aware of the more prurient aspects of online culture, no need to get into that. No, I'm afraid the explanation for my behavior isn't quite so straightforward. There are forces at work that few have grasped. There are fissures forming in the facade of reality and an extrinsic actuality is bleeding through. The sea is not immune. No one is safe. I lie on this forsaken island as proof of the contagion of being. And I was having sex, you were totally right.”

Never Visit Giraffe World

“This is going to sound weird, but I think we should get out of here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, this isn't what I thought it would be.”

“I told you.”

“I know. It just seemed like it would be interesting, you know? But this is boring.”

“So boring.”

“I mean, it's really well done, but there's nothing here.”

“Nothing. Zero content. Failed to find anything entertaining or amusing. One star. Okay, are you ready?”

“Yeah, let's go. How do we leave?”

“It says we get eaten by lions.”

“Boring.”

Employee Assessment Reports And Customer Feedback

“Your dumb sword is balanced all wrong, you dress like Santa Claus, and you never let us look behind the curtain, so we quit. Fuck you. Signed, everybody.”

“Eh.”

“This doesn't worry you, Your Majesty? Literally everybody signed this.”

“You didn't.”

“Nobody asked me to.”

“Well, they can go fuck themselves. I quit too.”

“They didn't even mention it.”

“Do you want a peek behind the curtain?”

“What? Really?”

“Last chance before I close up shop.”

“Wow! I've been waiting forever for this. I bet it's something sexy. Is it sexy?”

“Go ahead and find out.”

“Oh boy, oh boy. This is so exciting. Look, my hands are shaking! I'll just part the curtain here and slowly stick my head in... oh. This isn't sexy.”

“Of course not. There's nothing sexy about hackneyed ahistorical simulations that pass for entertainment for the nescient masses in a post-capitalist society. Now let's go get drunk.”

Baldy Is Upset

“What's your problem?”

“What's in your backpack?”

“What? Fuck off. I'm trying to concentrate here.”

“Are they watermelons? Are you carrying watermelons?”

“What do you care?”

“Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad. Why did you have to do that?”

“What the fuck? Look, do you know how hard it is to climb a wall like this? I'm hanging on by the tiniest of cracks. Don't bother me with your bullshit.”

“But you have watermelons! Two—no, three! Three watermelons in your backpack!”

“Leave me alone!”

“You're not going to get away with this!”

“Jesus christ, I... Hey!!! Stop throwing rocks!”

“Watermelons! Watermelons!”

“They're cantaloupes!!”

“Oh. Can I have one?”

I Was Worried There Would Be No More Meetings

“So I talked to the tech guys and told them that something seems really wrong here and apparently they know about all about it and they told me that everything should go back to normal by the end of the meeting.”

“And we can't stand up?”

“Don't stand up.”

“Do we need to keep our hands on the armrests?”

“Yes, don't let go.”

“Uh, I have to scratch my face.”

“Don't touch your face.”

“He just did.”

“Don't point! Oh, nothing happened. I was told not to move our arms.”

“I was told we have to stretch out our legs, like this.”

“Who told you that?”

“He did.”

“I thought you told me.”

“Guys, listen. Let's just ignore what's going on and continue with the meeting, okay? Now I think all the papers are piled up in the corner, could somebody gather them up? Great. Can you read what they say?”

“Uh, there seems to be lots of charts.”

“Okay.”

“I'm not great with charts.”

“Does anybody here understand char... oh, we're moving. We're moving! Careful, everyone! Try not to run into each other! That's it, maintain spacing. Good, good. And... we're back! Is everybody at the table? Great! The meeting is back to normal. Let me see one of those charts...”

“Look out the window. The sky looks funny.”

“I can't seem to stand up.”

“My face is really itchy.”

“Don't touch your face!”