Employee Assessment Reports And Customer Feedback

“Your dumb sword is balanced all wrong, you dress like Santa Claus, and you never let us look behind the curtain, so we quit. Fuck you. Signed, everybody.”

“Eh.”

“This doesn't worry you, Your Majesty? Literally everybody signed this.”

“You didn't.”

“Nobody asked me to.”

“Well, they can go fuck themselves. I quit too.”

“They didn't even mention it.”

“Do you want a peek behind the curtain?”

“What? Really?”

“Last chance before I close up shop.”

“Wow! I've been waiting forever for this. I bet it's something sexy. Is it sexy?”

“Go ahead and find out.”

“Oh boy, oh boy. This is so exciting. Look, my hands are shaking! I'll just part the curtain here and slowly stick my head in... oh. This isn't sexy.”

“Of course not. There's nothing sexy about hackneyed ahistorical simulations that pass for entertainment for the nescient masses in a post-capitalist society. Now let's go get drunk.”

Baldy Is Upset

“What's your problem?”

“What's in your backpack?”

“What? Fuck off. I'm trying to concentrate here.”

“Are they watermelons? Are you carrying watermelons?”

“What do you care?”

“Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad. Why did you have to do that?”

“What the fuck? Look, do you know how hard it is to climb a wall like this? I'm hanging on by the tiniest of cracks. Don't bother me with your bullshit.”

“But you have watermelons! Two—no, three! Three watermelons in your backpack!”

“Leave me alone!”

“You're not going to get away with this!”

“Jesus christ, I... Hey!!! Stop throwing rocks!”

“Watermelons! Watermelons!”

“They're cantaloupes!!”

“Oh. Can I have one?”

I Was Worried There Would Be No More Meetings

“So I talked to the tech guys and told them that something seems really wrong here and apparently they know about all about it and they told me that everything should go back to normal by the end of the meeting.”

“And we can't stand up?”

“Don't stand up.”

“Do we need to keep our hands on the armrests?”

“Yes, don't let go.”

“Uh, I have to scratch my face.”

“Don't touch your face.”

“He just did.”

“Don't point! Oh, nothing happened. I was told not to move our arms.”

“I was told we have to stretch out our legs, like this.”

“Who told you that?”

“He did.”

“I thought you told me.”

“Guys, listen. Let's just ignore what's going on and continue with the meeting, okay? Now I think all the papers are piled up in the corner, could somebody gather them up? Great. Can you read what they say?”

“Uh, there seems to be lots of charts.”

“Okay.”

“I'm not great with charts.”

“Does anybody here understand char... oh, we're moving. We're moving! Careful, everyone! Try not to run into each other! That's it, maintain spacing. Good, good. And... we're back! Is everybody at the table? Great! The meeting is back to normal. Let me see one of those charts...”

“Look out the window. The sky looks funny.”

“I can't seem to stand up.”

“My face is really itchy.”

“Don't touch your face!”

You Have To Be Cool

“Hey, man, nice to meet you. Are you cool?”

“Uh, yeah, absolutely. I'm cool.”

“Cool. Do you mind if I just sit here on the steps? I shouldn't really leave the ship but, holy crap, I've been in there too long.”

“Sure.”

“Sit down, keep me company. Oh wow, it's so quiet here. This is really nice.”

“Yeah, it's usually pretty quiet. Why did y...”

“So nice. I could settle down in a place like this, you know? Is anybody selling their farm? Just kidding. I don't know anything about farming. I suppose it's a lot more complicated than it looks, right?”

“Yeah, it can be. So... is everything okay?”

“Oh, man, you have no idea. It's getting weird out there. Like, really weird. Some crazy shit is happening. Manifestations, recursive harbingers, fractal entanglement... well, I can't get into the details, but believe me, you should be glad you're down here and not up there.”

“If you say so. Are y...”

“What was that?”

“What w...”

“Shhh... Okay, it was nothing. Look at me, jumping at every sound. I'm losing it, man.”

“It's going to be okay. Nothing ever happens around here. Well, up until now.”

“I guess I just needed someone to talk to. This mission has messed me up. It's good to get a little perspective before I head out.”

“Cool. Are you going back to your home planet?”

“What do you mean? This is my planet.”

“What?”

“Sorry, PSYOP training kicking in. Forget I said that. Well, I should be going. Nice meeting you. I have to, uh, retract the stairs now. So I can take off. There you go. You might want to step back a little further. That's it. Have a good night! Thanks for being cool! Don't believe anything you hear!”

Do They Sort Themselves, Or Do We All Set Them Apart?

“Work work work work work...”

“Yeah, that's good. You don't have to sing the whole thing. That was nice.”

“Thanks. So are you coming to the show tonight? I have a bunch more mash-ups I've been working on.”

“Actually, this is all really new to me and I'm just kind of settling in...”

“Okay. Yeah, it can be weird at first. At least the robes are comfy but these winged backpacks take some getting used to. The fog should burn off by noon, then you'll get a good look at things. There are plenty of empty bunks, just ask around at any tent. The parade is at three. Potluck at seven. Voting starts tomorrow. There are no gods. And soon enough we'll be moving on to the next... phase? No, the next step, that's what we're calling it this time.”

“And what about the...?”

“Oh, the fluctuating energy circlets above our heads? Nobody knows. Probably alien AI. They don't do anything. Just ignore them.”

“Great. So which tent is for the hot people?”

Look At That Little Dipshit

“What...”

“I...”

“Sorry, go ahead.”

“No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.”

“I thought you were going to say something.”

“I thought you were going to say something.”

“Well, we seem to be caught in one of those moments.”

“Yes, I know what you mean. As if reality is breaking down somehow.”

“Exactly. The world seems fractured and crumbling.”

“But at least the social fabric has yet to break down.”

“Absolutely. Civilization remains.”

“No reason to give in to fear and madness.”

“We still have our humanity.”

“Hi, I'm a fire hydrant!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Something Is Really Wrong Here

“Stop! Stop! Something is really wrong here!”

“What?”

“Hey, you actually stopped. Thank you. Holy crap, I didn't realize how dangerous this would be. Swords are scary.”

“Huh. Something is really wrong here.”

“I know. I'm sorry I even came.”

“No, I think you've done it. A universal caption.”

“What?”

“I mean, it's not that bad, right? It's not great, but I think it works on every one of them. 'Something is really wrong here.' Yeah, sure. Why not. Except it's hard to believe somebody hasn't thought of it before me.”

“Well, I'm the one who came up with it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Joint discovery. But it's not like it really matters. We're not ever going to get written about in Slate or the A.V. Club. Do you know how far down we show up in search results? I'm not even sure we do show up.”

“We could write and tell them.”

“Oh, why bother. We're just middling content. Maybe not even middling. 'Something is really wrong here.' Eh, whatever. Nothing really special.”

“Can I go home now?”

“What? Oh, yeah, go ahead. But if you have an idea about the next storyline, let me know. We have more content to churn out!”