You Have To Be Cool

“Hey, man, nice to meet you. Are you cool?”

“Uh, yeah, absolutely. I'm cool.”

“Cool. Do you mind if I just sit here on the steps? I shouldn't really leave the ship but, holy crap, I've been in there too long.”

“Sure.”

“Sit down, keep me company. Oh wow, it's so quiet here. This is really nice.”

“Yeah, it's usually pretty quiet. Why did y...”

“So nice. I could settle down in a place like this, you know? Is anybody selling their farm? Just kidding. I don't know anything about farming. I suppose it's a lot more complicated than it looks, right?”

“Yeah, it can be. So... is everything okay?”

“Oh, man, you have no idea. It's getting weird out there. Like, really weird. Some crazy shit is happening. Manifestations, recursive harbingers, fractal entanglement... well, I can't get into the details, but believe me, you should be glad you're down here and not up there.”

“If you say so. Are y...”

“What was that?”

“What w...”

“Shhh... Okay, it was nothing. Look at me, jumping at every sound. I'm losing it, man.”

“It's going to be okay. Nothing ever happens around here. Well, up until now.”

“I guess I just needed someone to talk to. This mission has messed me up. It's good to get a little perspective before I head out.”

“Cool. Are you going back to your home planet?”

“What do you mean? This is my planet.”

“What?”

“Sorry, PSYOP training kicking in. Forget I said that. Well, I should be going. Nice meeting you. I have to, uh, retract the stairs now. So I can take off. There you go. You might want to step back a little further. That's it. Have a good night! Thanks for being cool! Don't believe anything you hear!”

Do They Sort Themselves, Or Do We All Set Them Apart?

“Work work work work work...”

“Yeah, that's good. You don't have to sing the whole thing. That was nice.”

“Thanks. So are you coming to the show tonight? I have a bunch more mash-ups I've been working on.”

“Actually, this is all really new to me and I'm just kind of settling in...”

“Okay. Yeah, it can be weird at first. At least the robes are comfy but these winged backpacks take some getting used to. The fog should burn off by noon, then you'll get a good look at things. There are plenty of empty bunks, just ask around at any tent. The parade is at three. Potluck at seven. Voting starts tomorrow. There are no gods. And soon enough we'll be moving on to the next... phase? No, the next step, that's what we're calling it this time.”

“And what about the...?”

“Oh, the fluctuating energy circlets above our heads? Nobody knows. Probably alien AI. They don't do anything. Just ignore them.”

“Great. So which tent is for the hot people?”

Look At That Little Dipshit

“What...”

“I...”

“Sorry, go ahead.”

“No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.”

“I thought you were going to say something.”

“I thought you were going to say something.”

“Well, we seem to be caught in one of those moments.”

“Yes, I know what you mean. As if reality is breaking down somehow.”

“Exactly. The world seems fractured and crumbling.”

“But at least the social fabric has yet to break down.”

“Absolutely. Civilization remains.”

“No reason to give in to fear and madness.”

“We still have our humanity.”

“Hi, I'm a fire hydrant!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

Something Is Really Wrong Here

“Stop! Stop! Something is really wrong here!”

“What?”

“Hey, you actually stopped. Thank you. Holy crap, I didn't realize how dangerous this would be. Swords are scary.”

“Huh. Something is really wrong here.”

“I know. I'm sorry I even came.”

“No, I think you've done it. A universal caption.”

“What?”

“I mean, it's not that bad, right? It's not great, but I think it works on every one of them. 'Something is really wrong here.' Yeah, sure. Why not. Except it's hard to believe somebody hasn't thought of it before me.”

“Well, I'm the one who came up with it.”

“Yeah, yeah. Joint discovery. But it's not like it really matters. We're not ever going to get written about in Slate or the A.V. Club. Do you know how far down we show up in search results? I'm not even sure we do show up.”

“We could write and tell them.”

“Oh, why bother. We're just middling content. Maybe not even middling. 'Something is really wrong here.' Eh, whatever. Nothing really special.”

“Can I go home now?”

“What? Oh, yeah, go ahead. But if you have an idea about the next storyline, let me know. We have more content to churn out!”

Monkeyfoot Crotch

“You should be glad it's over.”

“Glad that someone finally activated the device? Yeah, that dragged out long enough.”

“Glad that the war is finally over.”

“Oh yeah, the war. It wasn't much of a war, was it?”

“Well, it didn't quite escalate like they thought it would, so yeah. Still, it could have been pretty bad.”

“Or it was a doomed narrative imposed on an unrelated sequence of drawings.”

“What?”

“Nothing. And how are the monkeys helping?”

“Transdimensional monkeys.”

“Right. How did they stop the war?”

“Well, you know, the whole planet flooded with monkeys from an alternate dimension, that's going to stop a war, isn't it?”

“Is it?”

“Sure. Especially since monkeys are the natural enemies of both cowboys and pirates.”

“Ugh, why did I ask. Say, are those new pants?”

“Yes, why?”

“No reason.”

I've Never Heard Of Such A Thing

“Nipples, sir.”

“Nipples.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Really.”

“Definitely, sir. Big ones.”

“Big.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“How big.”

“First joint of the thumb.”

“That's a big nipple.”

“Quite, sir.”

“I suppose you're wondering why I'm asking about your fetishes.”

“It's not for me to wonder, sir.”

“Or why I have all this ridiculous Halloween crap.”

“It never occurred to me to ask, sir.”

“What do you think about post-capitalism?”

“I have no thoughts on the subject, sir.”

“Have you seen the prototype?”

“No, sir.”

“Aha!”

Typing 'Prototype' Never Gets Easier

“Seven.”

“Seven?”

“Wait, what were you asking?”

“How many prototypes you've developed.”

“Eight. Eight iterations. The very early stages. And then they kicked me off the project.”

“Why?”

“They weren't clear about that.”

“Were you upset?”

“Of course. But they never understood the scale of my plans.”

“How would you feel about making an anti-prototype?”

“What?”

“We're prepared to offer you a substantial sum to work on...”

“What's an anti-prototype?”

“A device to neutralize the prototype.”

“An anti-device.”

“Yes, sure.”

“You want me to make a prototype of an anti-device. Because you can't make an anti-prototype, that doesn't make any sense.”

“If you say so. You'll have a state-of-the-art lab and a team of...”

“Unless... An anti-prototype... Is such a thing possible?”

“Uh, a hand-picked team of...”

“Good lord, the anti-prototype! Of course! I see it now! This could change everything!”

“Really?”

“Yes! Wait. No. No, that wouldn't work. Unless it was very, very large...”