Sunday, January 24, 2016

Bite It


“Is the Girl Scouts Conference this way?”

“No, that's on the second floor.”

“I thought the second floor was the Women's Leadership Conference.”

“That's this floor.”

“Okay. Were they expecting a delivery?”

“No, I don't think so.”

“Well, the label says GS, third floor. Look.”

“Wrong address. That's across the street. Goldman-Sachs.”

“Ah, of course! Giant rubber wiener!”

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Medieversace, Or The Knights Templarmani


“It's velour.”

“Is that all you got? You think I'm going to break?”

“Well, it's amazing. It really catches the light.”

“Thank you. Okay, you get to smell the glove again.”

“No! Not again! I'll talk, I'll talk!”

“Good. Tell us about the plot.”

“And tell us the plans for next season.”

“What plot? I'm loyal! I didn't do anything! And hemlines are going up, and we're going to see a lot more color in hosiery.”

“We know you're a rebel!”

“Do you think we're idiots? Obviously spring/summer will be lighter and brighter! What are the new trends?!”

“I'll never tell! The plot is already in motion and can't be stopped, you fools! No, not the glove! No! Cinches!”

“Cinches?”

“Belts! Straps!”

“Of course! What was I thinking? Why didn't you say something?”

“Because... I'm a rebel too! Hiyaah! Freedom! Let's go!”

“Damn, the fashion world is cruel and confusing.”

Monday, January 11, 2016

Chiklis


“I am very disappointed! I am! I'm a bald fucker with a ridiculous pet! But that's okay. It's about living with disappointment. Even our choices are out of our control. What's that? Are you hungry? Are you sleepy? Do you feel anything besides instinct? Look, your food is over there, your bed is over there, do whatever you want. I'll be in the study, writing some Fantastic Four erotic fanfic.”

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Class Struggle Is Here!


“The penis is here!”

“It's here? Did they just leave it by the door?”

“The neighbors took the delivery.”

“But I was home all day! I hate that.”

“Well, don't worry about it. We got it.”

“Let's take a look. Hmm.”

“Seems okay.”

“Fully articulated, right?”

“Oh yeah, see?”

“Can we change the expression on its face?”

“I think so. Yeah, there we go. Just mash it into anything.”

“What's in the briefcase?”

“It looks like instructions and an extra penis.”

“Okay. I guess it will do.”

“You don't sound happy.”

“It's just... I never thought it would come to this.”

“What, that the war would cause executive businesswomen to form platonic lesbian partnerships who employ sex robots to be sexually serviced?”

“No. I'm just disappointed all the working-class models were sold out.”

Monday, December 21, 2015

I Find This Cartoon Really Disturbing. I Mean, Just Look At It For A While. It's Creepy, Right? Anyway, Happy Holidays!


“Do you want to get on?”

“No. I've been watching you guys and I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with this. You haven't moved at all and he's not even trying. Now I see he's not actually attached to the sleigh. The bag is squirming. I've never seen that house before. I don't think there's supposed to be mountains. I don't remember how I got here. I seem to be an animal. Have I always been an animal?”

“Do you want to get on?”

“Santa? Can you hear me, Santa? I'm kind of freaking out. Why are you doing this? Where is everybody?”

“Do you—“

“Stop! Just stop! I can't take it! I gotta get out of here!”

“Wow. Hey, Santa, I thought you said this would be funny?”

“Christmas is a fucking nightmare.”

Saturday, December 12, 2015

I Hope I'm Not On A Watchlist


“I'm not happy with the mouth but what can you do.”

“And these are all the people he killed?”

“What? No. There's more in another cemetery.”

“Are these his special victims?”

“Not really. Nothing significant about these. I killed some of them. This one here is the sculptor.”

“How did he die?”

“Chisel through the mouth.”

“No, your husband.”

“His head got too big. No, just kidding. But it's true, his ego blinded him, he thought he was invulnerable. Just remember, you can be killed by anybody, at any time, for any reason. It has always been thus.”

“Is that why you brought me out here?”

“Dear, I'm offering you a job. You can join us and help end this war. We are the secret third faction, the hidden and the masked, the judges and the peacekeepers.”

“Wow, you sound like terr—”

“Oh, no. No no no. Not in this political climate, that's... We are dedicated towards empathy, respect, and nonviolence. I was only joking about the sculptor, he's alive and well. No, we change hearts and minds. Death is the last and least wanted option.”

“Don't worry, I'm not wearing a wire.”

“But you never know who could be listening.”

Monday, December 7, 2015

Holy Shit, It's Almost The Pirates!


“I feel like these can be construed as sexual too.”

“Bah. Can we not find a single non-prurient symbol?”

“Well, according to Freud...”

“Enough with your Freud! How long will he haunt us?”

“What if we went the opposite direction? Embrace the inherent context.”

“What do you suggest?”

“Two erect penises and a face flushed with ecstasy.”

“So your original suggestion.”

“Yes. The first and still the best idea, I think.”

“You know, I'm tired of fighting with you on this. You win. I assume you already have the flags printed?”

“They're in my bunk, I'll be right back.”

“Hurry, the pirates will be here any minute! I hope this war ends soon. I need to get me some.”