The Birderberg Group, Or The Bilderbird Group

“No, no, we've been getting way off track. We can't continue like this. Have we forgotten our mission? What has always been our main goal? Anybody?”

“Serving our stockholders?”

“Maximizing profit?”

“Sir...”

“Our goal is to fly! No, not fly. Our goal is to destroy global society! Remember? Remember the oaths you all took? Remember the agendas, the phases, all the careful planning? How did we lose our way?”

“Sir...”

“We can't just keep spouting anti-capitalist nonsense and hope the seeds of discord will disseminate. We need to take a more active role. We need to undermine, we need to obfuscate, we need to misdirect, but most of all, we need a plan! We need to find our way back to the grand conspiracy of our elders!”

“Sir...”

“Yes, Henderson, what!?”

“Are we parrots?”

“Are we... yes, Henderson, we are parrots. Why?”

“I don't know, I thought I might be a cockatoo. I don't know why, it's just a thing I've been thinking about lately. Never mind, this isn't the right time, sorry. False flags! Secret societies! What were we talking about?”

Keep Them Coming

“Now remember, we're recreating an important meeting in the history of this company, and the people you're portraying will be in the audience, so we have to get their personalities right. Billy, make sure you act like your head is up your own butt.”

“Whaaat?”

“Not literally. It just means you have no awareness. You're an oblivious asshole. Got it?”

“I guess.”

“Suzy, you only think of yourself. If it's not about you, just ignore it.”

“Right. All about me, got it.”

“Great. Jimmy, you are the dumbest person in the world. The dumbest person ever. Do you think you can do that?”

“Durrrr...”

“Awesome, perfect. And don't be afraid to go off script. Go with the moment, make something up, run around, do whatever feels right.”

“Mr. Carlson, you don't like this company very much, do you?”

“Oh my god, no I don't. It's terrible. I'm wasting my life here. They come up with the stupidest ideas, like putting on performances with child actors about things that don't matter. Who does that? But hey, that doesn't mean we can't put on a great show! Okay, good rehearsal everyone. The show is in an hour, just stay here and relax and have fun, I'm going to go get a drink. See you later.”

“Aren't these corporate gigs sweet? What a freakshow.”

My Anti-Corporate Streak Continues

“Let's see. 'Locate recessed cartouche on right flank seven hands high.' My right? No, probably not. Okay, the flank, this is the flank. Is this the flank? This should be the flank. Seven hands. Good thing I've always wanted to be a cowboy... here it is. 'To open panel, press sequence: scarab, ibis, ankh.' Boop, boop, boop. Wow! That's a lot of blinking lights. Are these real jewels? 'Ascertain current quadrant of Sirius and consult following chart.' Huh. Well, I've haven't gotten this far without taking some chances. Blue, white, green, blue, red. Nothing? Red, red, white, blue, yellow. Green, red, yellow...”

“I AWAKE.”

“Whoa! Nice. Can you... hang on, let me get back to my desk. Ahem. I understand you can answer any question?”

“YES.”

“You can see all and know the future?”

“YES.”

“Great. That's perfect. I don't have any questions right now, actually I'm late to a meeting, but when I get back maybe I'll have some, or maybe not, hard to say. I'm a CEO! Yay!”

Fish? The Futility Of All Endeavors?

“Guess what's in the barrel.”

“I don't care.”

“Come on, guess. You have to guess. Everybody guesses. It's what we do.”

“Fine. Water.”

“Nope.”

“Sand.”

“Nope.”

“It's empty. Air.”

“Nope.”

“Fire?”

“Come on, are you going to take this seriously?”

“I give up, I don't know.”

“You can't give up. Keep guessing, you'll get it. Mitch got it eventually. Right, Mitch? Eh? Mitch stopped talking since he found out what's in the barrel.”

“Give me a hint.”

“Think metaphorical.”

“Metaphorical? Like, freedom?”

“Close.”

“Truth? Wisdom? The status quo? Is that in the barrel? How about consensual delusion? The absurdity of late-stage capitalism?”

“Shh, keep it down.”

“The hollow promises of the ruling elite? The realm of the gibbering corporate gods? The worldwide machine that uses human life as fuel?”

“Did you peek?”

Mismanaged Furniture Budget

“I've never seen a pillow this big.”

“Do you like it?”

“No. It's kind of weird. And this mattress... You know, I think I'll be going.”

“You don't have to!”

“No, I think I should I go. I have an early morning tomorrow.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be sorry. I had a good time. You seem like a great guy, and your podium is super sexy, I just have a lot of things going on in my life, and, well, you know. Goodbye.”

“Dammit. I was ready for another question.”

Butt-Rubbing Curtains

“Get down, I'll handle this.”

“Those aren't bullets, are they? I can see them flying through the air. Hey, they're gumdrops! Look!”

“Did you just eat one?”

“No. Who's shooting gumdrops into your window anyway?”

“Get down!”

“But look at the angle – this is the ground floor and they're shooting up? A person would have to be two feet tall to shoot at that angle.”

“Get away from the window!”

“Gnomes! Adorable little gnomes with slingshots. What is going on here?”

“They're... hallucinations?”

“Oh, come on.”

“Fine. They're gnomes. But what do you think is going on here?”

“Well, they seem angry.”

“Why would you say they're angry?”

“Because... wait a minute, are you using this as part of my therapy? Is this all staged?”

“This is real! Just like your relationship with your mother!”

“Give me the gun! Aaaaah!”

Not The Worst Registration Process

“Oh! I didn't see you standing there. Welcome, welcome. Can I get your name?”

“Robert Rogers.”

“Ooh, that's a good one. I'm sure your parents were doing the best they could. Now let me just write it down... oh shoot, looks like my quill needs sharpening. Such a bother. How are you doing, are you doing okay?”

“Yes, I'm okay. Can I ask you...”

“...about my quill? It is a fine one, isn't it? Take a look. I won't tell you where I got it, I'm afraid the upper management wouldn't be too pleased if they heard about it, if you know what I mean.”

“What?”

“Never mind, I almost have it sharpened. There, look at that tip. You can scribe all day and all night with that tip. I'll just write down your name...”

“I just wanted to ask you...”

“Unfortunately quills are in short supply these days, especially ones of these quality. The waiting list is obscenely long. I tend to get preferred customer status, wink wink, but still, so hard to come by. And there, your name is in the book. Or scroll, technically, but whatever. Everything's in order. Do you have any questions?”

“No. No questions. Do I go through the gates now?”

“Well you're not going over them.”