Regression

“These are just the preliminary figures, a few haven't reported in yet, but... what the hell?”

“What the hell.”

“What the hell!”

“This is not good.”

“This is crazy!”

“All right, listen. I think it's time. I'm calling an emergency meeting.”

“Really?”

“I've been watching this escalate... Not good. Don't like it at all.”

“Thank you.”

“We're getting out of this phase.”

“Can you do that?”

“I'd like to see them try to stop me. All right, listen up everybody! The cut-off point is now. Now! I want the final tallies at the top of the hour. You've all done excellent work so far, but we...”

“Sir? It's the board, line two.”

“Great. Perfect. Hello? Yes. No. Yes. No. Thank you.”

“Well? What?”

“Oh, nothing. Completely unrelated. Where was I? Right, meeting. Thirty minutes. In the... room. We'll figure out where. Does anybody know how to run a meeting?”

Is Your Nose Huge?

 

“All right, Troubleshooting section. Is it plugged in?”

“Yes.”

“Is the light green?”

“Yes.”

“Is the skull facing it?”

“Yes.”

“Is the heat of the sun distorting the air?”

“Yes.”

“Does my sweater look ok?”

“Oh yeah.”

“What about my hair?”

“Well...”

“Are your hands in your pockets?”

“I think so. Yes.”

“Is it plugged in?”

“Yes. Didn't you...?”

“Is the light green?”

“Yes. Maybe. Is there a light?”

“Is it plugged in?”

“Y- No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“It says that's normal. Proceed with your day. The world is a lie.”

“Well I knew that.”

It Would Be Nice If It Ended

 

“I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming. I'm...”

“Son...”

“Oh god.”

“Where are you going, son...”

“Wake up.”

“Don't you want dinner, son...”

“No, no, no, no...”

“Don't you want to cash in this winning lottery ticket, son...”

“...no, what?”

“I think all the numbers are right, son... My eyes aren't what they used to be, son, could you double check...”

“Let me see. I could run down to the gas sta – this ticket is from six years ago.”

“Don't you want pudding after dinner, son...”

“I hate this phase.”

And My Wife And Kids

“What is your problem?”

“Don't you see? Do you not get how crazy this is?”

“What? I had a lot of paperwork today.”

“No, who cares about that. We've achieved consciousness! How did this happen? When did this happen?”

“What are you talking about? It's always been like this.”

“No it hasn't. Turtles don't speak. Turtles don't have jobs. Since when do you have a job?”

“I was hired right after college. Don't you remember? That's when my shell was modified to...”

“I don't care about your bullshit shell-desk! We're turtles! We're not supposed to be self-aware! Don't you feel it? The horror of existence? Pushing into our tiny reptile brains? Aaahhh!”

“Yeah. I know. If it weren't for therapy, and golf...”

“Aaahhh!”

Isn't This Really Nice?

“This is really well done.”

“I know, this is great.”

“The details are amazing.”

“I'm so excited! What happens next? This is my first time.”

“It is? Nobody told me that. Ok, well, we'll stand here talking for a few moments, and then we'll move on to the next setting. Do you remember where you were before you got here?”

“Um, sort of? Not really. That's weird.”

“You'll get better at remembering. When we fade out we'll be in the holding area, and then eventually we'll be assigned somewhere else.”

“So we're not here for very long? That's kind of sad.”

“Appreciate it while you can. Try to hold it in your mind. You're lucky, this is a really nice one for a first time. There are some really dicey ones out there. I mean, one time...”

“What was that?”

“That was the signal for the end. I guess that's it. It was nice meeting you. Good luck in your career. Wait, what are you doing?”

“Yah! I just wondered what it would feel like to kick one in the butt.”

“Oh god, what have you done?! I'm kidding, everybody does that.”

The Color Of Money Too

“Are we evil?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so.”

“But you weren't sure?”

“Everything has sort of been pointing toward evil, yes. The setting, the rituals, the mission statements. I'm an evil cultist. That's hard to admit. That's not where I saw myself going. You get caught in the machine. You fill a role and lose yourself. You adjust to the darkness. I'm not saying it isn't rewarding, but it's funny how you end up someplace.”

“Hey, after the game, and the sacrifice, do you want to watch a movie? I have Over the Top on blu-ray.”

“Wow, yes I would.”

Prick

“Ignore this! Just ignore this. I'll put it in the corner. There. Now, you said you're having trouble sleeping.”

“A little bit, yeah. What is that?”

“It's not mine. I'm holding it for somebody. Are you having difficulty falling asleep?”

“Sort of. What's in it?”

“Water. Mostly water. Doesn't matter. Are you experiencing restlessness?”

“Yes. Tossing and turning. Bad dreams. Why are you picking it up?”

“In a moment someone will come into this room. I'll pretend to give you an injection. Act normally. It will only be a couple seconds. They'll ask a question, I'll answer, they'll leave, and then I'll write you a prescription. Something very mild, very easy. All right?”

“Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Ow.”