It Is Placed In The Butt

“As you can see, as long as I keep my butthole pointed at the floor, my flight is stable.”

“And there's no smell?”

“No, no smell at all.”

“But the sound—does anybody else hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“Are you sure about the smell? I mean, maybe this isn't the best environment to detect it, since this meeting has been going on for three hours—not that I'm complaining, it's been a lovely meeting—but I'm definitely smelling something.”

“Nobody is hearing that sound? A high-pitched buzzing? It's drilling right into my head.”

“Maybe if I got my nose closer? Could you hover directly above me?”

“There has never been a complaint about the sound. Are you sure it's from the device?”

“Can I smell everyone? Just to isolate the scent?”

“Oh, the sound stopped. It must have been my schizophrenia. Sorry.”

“Well, I've seen enough. Thank you for the demonstration, Ken. I believe if we put all our resources on this project we can have it on toy shelves by Christmas. Sound good, everyone? Great. If there's nothing else, let's close this meeting.”

“Wait, I found the smell. Forget I said anything.”

Could Join Personality Club

“So this is your first time at Ugly Club?”

“Oh, yes. We're so excited to join.”

“Let me fill you in on the politics of this place. I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I've seen too many new members get fucked over. Do you see those people by the buffet? They're from the old ugly families. Generations of uglies, very powerful, very insular, they'll never really accept you. Those guys by the bar? The new uglies. Rejected, resentful, just a bunch of assholes. They'll stab you in the back and step over your body to get what they want. The people by the dance floor? Genetic abnormalities. Good people, for the most part, but they tend to be treated like trophies and it can go to their heads. The rest of these uglies are just your basic losers, struggling to fit in, hoping somebody will notice how ugly they are, and let's face it, some of them aren't even that ugly.”

“Wow. That's... wow. We had no idea. This seemed like such a nice club.”

“Oh, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. It's not so bad once you find your place. I've made some good friends here. You'll probably do fine. Well, I should go mingle. It was nice meeting you. How are the buckets of ugly juice? Silly tradition, but you know how people are with traditions. Okay, see you around.”

“Well, she was refreshingly honest.”

“Yes. And super ugly.”

Spare Pillow In Briefcase

“Are you saying you lost the contract?”

“I'm saying I never had the contract in the first place.”

“Look, we went over this at the meeting. Great meeting, by the way.”

“Excellent meeting. According to my notes, the deadline was...”

“Wait. Get in.”

“Okay.”

“Let me scooch over. Here's a pillow. And we can pull up the covers... there. Okay, now we can talk.”

“Great. So it was my understanding... where did you get these sheets?”

“Pretty nice, right? Italian.”

“Sweet. Anyway, about the contract...”

“Forget about the contract.”

“What?”

“It doesn't matter. Everything will turn out okay. There are a lot more important things in life than this dumb business. We need to take the time to appreciate what's beyond the constant, demeaning hustle and grind of capitalism. Know what I mean?”

“I guess so. Did you just fart?”

Trade Winds And Trade Journals

“I think I'll pass.”

“But it's really good.”

“I'm sure it is. I just don't feel up to it right now.”

“Burnt out on prestige television?”

“Exactly. I need to take a break before I tackle another show.”

“I get it. I've been scaling back too.”

“And the quality series keep coming. Is this trend in the industry sustainable? Is the money there to keep hiring talent?”

“You know, I've been talking to some of my producer friends...”

“Oh really?”

“They're optimistic. They don't seem to think this is a bubble.”

“Yeah, but I wonder if insiders can always see the big picture.”

“True enough. I wonder if anybody knows. Hey, you know who we should ask? Captain Leprechaun Catlap.”

Is It On Fire?

“On your last visit, you said you were suffering from hallucinations.”

“No I didn't.”

“And paranoid delusions.”

“No. Do you have the wrong file?”

“Would you like to take a look at this file? Here.”

“Uh, you can just turn it around so I can read it.”

“You don't want to take the file?”

“Not really.”

“Why?”

“I don't know.”

“Are you hallucinating right now?”

“No.”

“Do you feel warm? Do you smell anything unusual?”

“No. Like what?”

“You tell me.”

“Is this a test?”

“I don't know, is it?”

“I know what you're trying to do. I can wait.”

“For what?”

“The fire to burn your fingers.”

“Aha! Ow!”

“Could you just take a look at my dick now?”

I Would Work For This Company

“Thank you for coming to see me so quickly. I'll like to remind you to speak in a low and soothing voice.”

“Yes, of course.”

“Very good. Now, as you can see, I'm missing an owl. Have you seen it?”

“No.”

“Has anybody reported seeing an owl?”

“No. I would have contacted you right away if someone had.”

“Can you issue a building-wide alert to find the owl?”

“I could do that, yes. But the thing is... your owls are kind of bullshit.”

“Easy, my owl brethren, easy. That was not a soothing thing to say.”

“Sorry. But it's true. Everybody hates your owls and everybody hates you.”

“Everybody?”

“So someone probably killed it.”

“Shh, shh. This is very disturbing. Especially coming from the head of security. What are you going to do about this?”

“I'm just going to see where this goes. Maybe they'll kill the rest of your owls.”

“Calm, my darlings, keep calm! How can this be? Don't they realize the value these owls add to the company?”

“Do you honestly think your dumb owls are better than wolves? Or lemurs? Or water buffaloes? Literally every other employee's animal companions are more important than yours.”

“Even the dolphins?”

“No, they're complete shit.”

Get Ready For More Content That Nobody Wants

“Susan, how much time do I have before the meeting starts?”

“...”

“What? Why didn't you tell me?”

“...”

“Yes, but you can interrupt me for meetings. I can't miss a meeting.”

“...”

“What?! How many did I miss?”

“...”

“Oh god. How long have I been on this thing?”

“...”

“No, that can't be right. That doesn't make sense. What the hell have I been doing? I can't even remember why I started doing this.”

“...”

“Well, that's dumb. That's it, this project is over. Bring me the forms to sign. Send a memo. Fire the talking animals. Schedule a meeting. Are there any more projects lined up?”

“...”

“That many? Shit. Okay, clear all my appointments. Get me the spreadsheets. Schedule two meetings. Rehire the talking animals. Send another memo. Contact the board. Ready a press release. Call my wife. Take notes. Exploit the poor. Make more appointments! Schedule three meetings! Business!”