Looks Like An Intense Conversation

“I bet he's talking to an animal.”

“I bet an animal is talking to him.”

“Hello, Mr. Animal, can I have a dumb conversation with you?”

“Why, yes, Mr. Caveman, I'd be happy to talk to somebody as dumb as I am.”

“Oh, Mr. Animal, I love you so much, smooch, smooch.”

“Get down!”

“Did he see us?”

“I don't know. Go look.”

“You go look.”

“You go look!”

“We'll both look. On three. One, two... three.”

“He's still talking. Wait, what is he talking to?”

“I think it's a rock. A rock with a face on it.”

“Shit. I forgot about the talking anthropomorphic inanimate objects. What do we do now?”

“The pirates never mentioned this.”

“Can you kill a rock?”

“Who knows.”

“We'll have to rethink this. Let's go. You first, I'll give you a boost. Is he looking? Just act normal. Wave and smile. Okay, now we're walking. Walking, walking. Is he still looking? Go, go, go!”

What About A Parrot?

“Yeah, great. Really nice.”

“Did you watch me?”

“We all watched you.”

“Do you want to see me do it again?”

“I think that's enough, get back up here. Since we're all here I'd like to discuss something. Wait, he slipped off the ladder. Are you okay?”

“I'm okay!”

“All right. There we go, good job. Now, I think you all know the number one problem we're facing at this time.

“Clown assassins?”

“Dimensional travel?”

“Sarcasm?”

“Cowboys?”

“No. No, no, no. Animals that talk.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And I've come up with a solution. We're going to kill them!”

“Why?”

“What?”

“I met a talking shark once, he seemed pretty cool.”

“Was he pretty cool? Or was he contrived and hackneyed?”

“Says the guy with a pegleg.”

“Look, we're all constrained by the conventionalities of the medium. But a costume is not the same as the unnatural power of speech!”

“So you propose slaughter. That's disappointing.”

“Do you want to go back out on the plank?”

“Okay! Everybody watch!”

A Special Ops/Local Law Enforcement Joint Venture

“Dean. Come in, Dean.”

“Hank?”

“Roger. Okay, enough with the fanfic. Is everybody in place?”

“Affirmative.”

“Any sign of clowns?”

“Negative.”

“Physical comedians?”

“Negative.”

“Any performers at all?”

“Negative.”

“Improv? Anybody doing improv?”

“Negative.”

“Okay. Everyone stay sharp, notify me at the first indication of entertainment.”

“I'm suppose to alert the chief first.”

“The hell you are! You tell that donut-sucking redneck...”

“Wait!”

“What?”

“No, false alarm. Somebody smiled.”

So Mysterious!

“Uh, it's not real?”

“Correct. Because it would be impossible for a pie to exist here. Now come on, we have to keep moving.”

“Right. Where are we going?”

“Someplace safe.”

“And where are we now?”

“This is a jungle.”

“And who are you again?”

“I'm the one who's been assigned this retrieval mission.”

“And why are we naked?”

“Because we just had sex.”

“We did?”

“No. Wow, you must have really hit your head on that boat.”

“I guess. Do you have anything to eat? I sort of remember somebody saying there would be pie.”

“Look, you better get your head together soon, they could be on us at any minute.”

“Right. The pie people?”

How Did She End Up Here?

“I thought I saw a clown today.”

“What? Was it a clown?”

“It's kind of funny, because...”

“Don't fuck with me—was it a clown?!”

“No, just some weird old guy. Relax.”

“You have no idea how much danger I'm in. You never believe what I try to tell you.”

“I've accepted that you're a dimensional traveler, I just find it hard to believe that anybody's after you.”

“If you knew what I've done, who I've double-crossed...”

“You're a dangerous woman. That is so hot...”

“Don't touch my filtration unit! Sorry. Here, just... just eat your frittata. I have to go check perimeter security.”

“And maybe I can check your perimeter later? Honey? Honey? I'm good with women.”

So Close

“Aaaaand that did not relieve the boredom at all.”

“You know it's bad when biting random things is boring.”

“So fucking boring!”

“Staring at this gray nothingness for how long? How did we get stuck with this?”

“Yeah, why are we being punished?”

“Why aren't we giving up, that's what I want to know.”

“We're fucking sharks, we never give up. Hey, is that a boat?”

“No, it's a seagull.”

“Do you want to bite it?”

“No.”

“If we can accomplish one thing, just one thing, I think we can move on.”

“I agree. But what?”

“Let's see... do you want to make a dick joke?”

“Do sharks have dicks?”

“I have no idea.”

“Let's give up.”

Sam Is So Naive

“You're looking good.”

“Thanks. I'm feeling good.”

“Here's the package. It was delivered this morning.”

“All right, let's see what we got. Okay. Okay. Hmm. Interesting. A boat? Okay. Yeah, everything seems to be in order.”

“Great. When can we expect results?”

“Should be by the end of next week.”

“Is there any way to speed that up? Upper management wants to get this over with quickly.”

“They could contact the League to get another agent assigned, but that would double the cost, and even with two of us it might not accelerate the plan all that much.”

“I see. I'll let them know. Say, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Does the League of Clown Assassins specialize in tracking down transdimensional fugitives because they serve a secret multi-world post-capitalist corporate-fascist-entertainment hegemony?”

“No.”

“Okay, good.”