H. P. HR

“Spider legs?”

“Tentacles.”

“How many eyes?”

“One.”

“Mine had three. Icy black aura, like the depths of space?”

“Purple swirling fog, with indistinct howling shapes.”

“Let me write that down. Harr warh dar rehsahdayshuh?”

“What?”

“Hanh onh. I said, how was the presentation?”

“Oh, fine. Pretty good. Up until...”

“The forces of madness and nightmare were unleashed, yeah. So annoying. So cliché!”

“Is something going to be done about this? I heard there was going to be a presentation on how to fight back against these... whoever they are.”

“They are the Cult of Emergence.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“From the buzzing of insect wings at sunset. And yes, the CEO will be shown a presentation soon, which, if viable, will then be shown to the managers, and then onto the general personnel.”

“The hierarchy must be maintained.”

“All hail the hierarchy. Well, Janice, I think that's all I need for my report. You've all been given the afternoon off. Try to get some rest.”

“Yes, I will. Right after I eat the flesh of time from the bones of the forgotten past.”

What Do The Police Normally Say When They Pull You Over? I Can't Remember, Because Of The Anxiety

“License and registration.”

“Here you go, Officer.”

“Stay here while run your numbers.”

“No problem.”

“Can you tell me about the cloud now? And the lady?”

“Are you comfortable back there?”

“Oh yes, the navigator's seat is very nice.”

“Good. Well, as you know, there is a secret group who wants to eradicate all presentations.”

“Really? Why?”

“You haven't heard this before?”

“Nobody's ever said anything about them.”

“That's because we know so little about them. People are scared. You must have noticed how jumpy everyone is during presentations.”

“But why are they against presentations? They're awesome.”

“Yes, but they don't see it that way. They leave behind propaganda saying that it's a waste of time. Which, you know, they kind of have a point.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Anyway, that's who's after us. Nobody knows who they are or where they'll strike next. And they seem to have otherworldly powers.”

“Do you think the cop is one of them?”

“Ooh, I hadn't thought of that.”

“Should we kill him?”

“What? Shh, he's coming back.”

“Sorry to keep you waiting. You've been flagged as having an important upcoming presentation, so you may proceed at full speed.”

“Hooray!”

Everybody Should Try Desert Crawling

“I'm feeling pretty good about this upcoming presentation... oh, wait, check out that cloud.”

“Yeah, it looks like kind of weird.”

“I think we have to hurry. Come on, get up, stop crawling.”

“Why were we crawling in the first place?”

“I wanted to see what's it like. Excuse me, miss?”

“Yes?”

“Do you know how to get to the city as quickly as possible?”

“You could try the car rental place, right there.”

“Oh, I didn't see that. Thank you. Let's go.”

“Who was that anyway?”

“No idea. Okay, which car looks the fastest?”

“Why are you in such a hurry?”

“That cloud is no ordinary cloud. It was summoned to stop us.”

“Summoned? By who?”

“I don't know. Did you see anybody waving a stick in the air... Shit.”

“You'll never make it to the city! Your presentation is doomed!”

“Fuck you, lady!”

“Hey, this seems like a fast car.”

“Oh, hell yeah. Come on, let's go!”

“But who was that lady?”

“I'll explain on the way!”

Porpoises Are Bullshit Too

“Do you have a plan yet?”

“Maybe. Are the dolphins back?”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell whether they're friendly or unfriendly?”

“Not really.”

“Okay, I think I got a plan. We should get started, we've wasted enough time already. First, we get off this island.”

“Are we going to the beach that is three feet away and has been there this whole time?”

“Yes.”

“Do we walk or jump?”

“Whichever you like. I'm going to walk.”

“I'm going to jump. Hup!”

“Well done. Now, the second part—we take out our dicks and waggle them at the dolphins.”

“Why?”

“I want to see how they react. Smile as you do it.”

“Like this?”

“Perfect.”

“Are they reacting?”

“I don't know. Do they seem confused? Amused? Who knows. Why did I even bother. Dolphins are bullshit.”

“What's next?”

“Ah, third part of the plan—we make an appointment to see the boss.”

“Like, a meeting?”

“A one-on-one presentation.”

“About what?”

“About something I've been thinking about these past weeks, which I have totally been doing, even though it looked like I've been struggling to find a reason to continue and was nearly ready to give up.”

“I knew it!”

I Almost Forgot

 

“Has the meeting started?”

“Yes.”

“Shhh.”

“Sorry. Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“But nothing is happening.”

“Shhh.”

“Sorry. But, wait, why are you shushing me? Why the silence? What kind of meeting is this?”

“This meeting was scheduled three weeks ago.”

“Yes, I know, but we don't seem to be doing anything.”

“Do you need some more coffee?”

“No, thank you. So what are we supposed to be doing?”

“We wait.”

“For what?”

“We always wait.”

“Is this a 'planes of meetingness' thing? Because that's been debunked as a myth. There is no higher reality where minds and meetings merge and coexist, it's all an hallucination brought on by stress and overwork. And what's up with the plant? I heard you guys were bringing them up here, I don't know why it's on a chair. Here, I'll move it to the window...”

“Don't touch the plant!”

“Oh my... I see it! I see the realm of true meetingness! It's... It's so... It's full of... It's full of dicks!”

“Is he dead?”

“He has departed this world.”

“He has ascended.”

“He is part of the eternal meeting now.”

“Should I have made decaf?”

“Good meeting, everyone.”

Where Do The Cords Go?

“Do you know what I heard?”

“Is it about meetings?”

“Yes.”

“Is it about plants?”

“No.”

“Is it about how traveling into the planes of meetingness too many times causes subdimensional office worlds to leak into this reality?”

“No.”

“Does it have something to do with bleeding from the eyes?”

“No. Wait, are my eyes bleeding?”

“Yeah, totally.”

“I thought it was just you.”

“Are mine? Oh, gross.”

“Anyway, do you know what I heard?”

“What?”

“Plants are taking over the meetings.”

“You're standing too close.”

Nope, No Acknowledgment

“Where will you be sitting?”

“What? I don't know.”

“Didn't they tell you?”

“Yeah, but I can't remember.”

“How can you not remember?”

“It's not important.”

“You do know where you're sitting, don't you? It's at the end of the table!”

“Maybe.”

“Every time! You're stuck at the end of the table at every meeting.”

“The end of the table is fine. The boss is facing me.”

“The boss doesn't even have a face!”

“You don't understand meetings at all. It's not about where you sit. After the first hour everybody loses track of where they were sitting anyway. A couple more hours and you lose all sense of individuality. The room dissolves and we enter the hyperdimensional planes of pure meetingness.”

“Really?”

“No. The person at the end of the table has to get everybody coffee.”