I Almost Forgot

 

“Has the meeting started?”

“Yes.”

“Shhh.”

“Sorry. Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“But nothing is happening.”

“Shhh.”

“Sorry. But, wait, why are you shushing me? Why the silence? What kind of meeting is this?”

“This meeting was scheduled three weeks ago.”

“Yes, I know, but we don't seem to be doing anything.”

“Do you need some more coffee?”

“No, thank you. So what are we supposed to be doing?”

“We wait.”

“For what?”

“We always wait.”

“Is this a 'planes of meetingness' thing? Because that's been debunked as a myth. There is no higher reality where minds and meetings merge and coexist, it's all an hallucination brought on by stress and overwork. And what's up with the plant? I heard you guys were bringing them up here, I don't know why it's on a chair. Here, I'll move it to the window...”

“Don't touch the plant!”

“Oh my... I see it! I see the realm of true meetingness! It's... It's so... It's full of... It's full of dicks!”

“Is he dead?”

“He has departed this world.”

“He has ascended.”

“He is part of the eternal meeting now.”

“Should I have made decaf?”

“Good meeting, everyone.”

Where Do The Cords Go?

“Do you know what I heard?”

“Is it about meetings?”

“Yes.”

“Is it about plants?”

“No.”

“Is it about how traveling into the planes of meetingness too many times causes subdimensional office worlds to leak into this reality?”

“No.”

“Does it have something to do with bleeding from the eyes?”

“No. Wait, are my eyes bleeding?”

“Yeah, totally.”

“I thought it was just you.”

“Are mine? Oh, gross.”

“Anyway, do you know what I heard?”

“What?”

“Plants are taking over the meetings.”

“You're standing too close.”

Nope, No Acknowledgment

“Where will you be sitting?”

“What? I don't know.”

“Didn't they tell you?”

“Yeah, but I can't remember.”

“How can you not remember?”

“It's not important.”

“You do know where you're sitting, don't you? It's at the end of the table!”

“Maybe.”

“Every time! You're stuck at the end of the table at every meeting.”

“The end of the table is fine. The boss is facing me.”

“The boss doesn't even have a face!”

“You don't understand meetings at all. It's not about where you sit. After the first hour everybody loses track of where they were sitting anyway. A couple more hours and you lose all sense of individuality. The room dissolves and we enter the hyperdimensional planes of pure meetingness.”

“Really?”

“No. The person at the end of the table has to get everybody coffee.”

Dick Obverse

“I was really working my cane too.”

“I noticed. Were you trying a new move?”

“Do you mean this?”

“That's the one. What is that, something like a three-quarter eel wave?”

“I call it the Bavarian crescent. See the wrist action? Just something I've been developing.”

“Nice. Say, could you take a look at one of mine? It seems to be missing something.”

“Of course.”

“And... thus. It's a modified wounded springbuck with a vicar flutter. I'm not sure what's wrong with it. Is it the finishing twirl?”

“Let me see your grip. Are you using the whaler's claw? You should try the potato rake. Like so.”

“Ah, I see! Yes, that's quite good.”

“Excellent. You know, I believe we possess the finest canework in town. Why are we failing so badly with the ladies?”

“Because we're cunts.”

Dick Adjacent

“Oh, great. Mike?”

“Yeah?”

“Something weird and dumb is happening.”

“Again?”

“Should I just close the door?”

“Hang on, let me see. Okay, that's lame.”

“I'm closing the door now.”

“Don't talk to it.”

“Uh, help me push, the stick is in the way.”

“Right. There, all gone.”

“I'm so tired of this. There has to be something we can do.”

“We're doing exactly what the scientists have advised everybody to do—don't engage, wait for the jankiness to subside.”

“Well, I've had it. The next time, I'm going to kick it in the balls.”

“What if it doesn't have balls?”

“Everything has balls.”

Direct Deposit

“If there's somebody in this thing, that would be pretty fucked up...”

“Hello.”

“Ah! Don't sneak up on me like that.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Why are you in my office?”

“Isn't this my office?”

“You don't work here. Are you a doctor?”

“No.”

“You look like a doctor.”

“I found this stethoscope. I bought the coat. It was on sale. You like?”

“Are you trying to open this safe? Because it isn't locked.”

“It isn't?”

“No. See? Go ahead, look inside.”

“It's... it's full of dicks.”

“Of course. This is a dick bank.”

“Oh, okay. That would explain the interest rate.”

And Then They Took Out Their Dicks

“Whatever.”

“Yeah, that's it for me too.”

“Do you want to go back?”

“I want to have a meeting.”

“Right now? Just the two of us?”

“Apparently we can do what we want, so, sure.”

“Okay, let's start the meeting. What's first on the agenda?”

“We need to formulate a code of conduct when faced with events that are both ridiculous and uninteresting.”

“That's a good idea. I would say, first off, that we shouldn't react to these events in any way, neither positively nor negatively.”

“Right. Ignore it. Avoid calling any attention to it. Shouting 'you suck!' down the side of a cliff just validates the behavior.”

“And then, once the incident is no longer relevant, we can take create control.”

“Subvert the narrative.”

“Exactly. I think we solved it. All in favor?”

“Aye.”

“Aye.”

“You suck!”