Never Visit Giraffe World

“This is going to sound weird, but I think we should get out of here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, this isn't what I thought it would be.”

“I told you.”

“I know. It just seemed like it would be interesting, you know? But this is boring.”

“So boring.”

“I mean, it's really well done, but there's nothing here.”

“Nothing. Zero content. Failed to find anything entertaining or amusing. One star. Okay, are you ready?”

“Yeah, let's go. How do we leave?”

“It says we get eaten by lions.”

“Boring.”

Employee Assessment Reports And Customer Feedback

“Your dumb sword is balanced all wrong, you dress like Santa Claus, and you never let us look behind the curtain, so we quit. Fuck you. Signed, everybody.”

“Eh.”

“This doesn't worry you, Your Majesty? Literally everybody signed this.”

“You didn't.”

“Nobody asked me to.”

“Well, they can go fuck themselves. I quit too.”

“They didn't even mention it.”

“Do you want a peek behind the curtain?”

“What? Really?”

“Last chance before I close up shop.”

“Wow! I've been waiting forever for this. I bet it's something sexy. Is it sexy?”

“Go ahead and find out.”

“Oh boy, oh boy. This is so exciting. Look, my hands are shaking! I'll just part the curtain here and slowly stick my head in... oh. This isn't sexy.”

“Of course not. There's nothing sexy about hackneyed ahistorical simulations that pass for entertainment for the nescient masses in a post-capitalist society. Now let's go get drunk.”

Baldy Is Upset

“What's your problem?”

“What's in your backpack?”

“What? Fuck off. I'm trying to concentrate here.”

“Are they watermelons? Are you carrying watermelons?”

“What do you care?”

“Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad. Why did you have to do that?”

“What the fuck? Look, do you know how hard it is to climb a wall like this? I'm hanging on by the tiniest of cracks. Don't bother me with your bullshit.”

“But you have watermelons! Two—no, three! Three watermelons in your backpack!”

“Leave me alone!”

“You're not going to get away with this!”

“Jesus christ, I... Hey!!! Stop throwing rocks!”

“Watermelons! Watermelons!”

“They're cantaloupes!!”

“Oh. Can I have one?”

I Was Worried There Would Be No More Meetings

“So I talked to the tech guys and told them that something seems really wrong here and apparently they know about all about it and they told me that everything should go back to normal by the end of the meeting.”

“And we can't stand up?”

“Don't stand up.”

“Do we need to keep our hands on the armrests?”

“Yes, don't let go.”

“Uh, I have to scratch my face.”

“Don't touch your face.”

“He just did.”

“Don't point! Oh, nothing happened. I was told not to move our arms.”

“I was told we have to stretch out our legs, like this.”

“Who told you that?”

“He did.”

“I thought you told me.”

“Guys, listen. Let's just ignore what's going on and continue with the meeting, okay? Now I think all the papers are piled up in the corner, could somebody gather them up? Great. Can you read what they say?”

“Uh, there seems to be lots of charts.”

“Okay.”

“I'm not great with charts.”

“Does anybody here understand char... oh, we're moving. We're moving! Careful, everyone! Try not to run into each other! That's it, maintain spacing. Good, good. And... we're back! Is everybody at the table? Great! The meeting is back to normal. Let me see one of those charts...”

“Look out the window. The sky looks funny.”

“I can't seem to stand up.”

“My face is really itchy.”

“Don't touch your face!”

You Have To Be Cool

“Hey, man, nice to meet you. Are you cool?”

“Uh, yeah, absolutely. I'm cool.”

“Cool. Do you mind if I just sit here on the steps? I shouldn't really leave the ship but, holy crap, I've been in there too long.”

“Sure.”

“Sit down, keep me company. Oh wow, it's so quiet here. This is really nice.”

“Yeah, it's usually pretty quiet. Why did y...”

“So nice. I could settle down in a place like this, you know? Is anybody selling their farm? Just kidding. I don't know anything about farming. I suppose it's a lot more complicated than it looks, right?”

“Yeah, it can be. So... is everything okay?”

“Oh, man, you have no idea. It's getting weird out there. Like, really weird. Some crazy shit is happening. Manifestations, recursive harbingers, fractal entanglement... well, I can't get into the details, but believe me, you should be glad you're down here and not up there.”

“If you say so. Are y...”

“What was that?”

“What w...”

“Shhh... Okay, it was nothing. Look at me, jumping at every sound. I'm losing it, man.”

“It's going to be okay. Nothing ever happens around here. Well, up until now.”

“I guess I just needed someone to talk to. This mission has messed me up. It's good to get a little perspective before I head out.”

“Cool. Are you going back to your home planet?”

“What do you mean? This is my planet.”

“What?”

“Sorry, PSYOP training kicking in. Forget I said that. Well, I should be going. Nice meeting you. I have to, uh, retract the stairs now. So I can take off. There you go. You might want to step back a little further. That's it. Have a good night! Thanks for being cool! Don't believe anything you hear!”

Do They Sort Themselves, Or Do We All Set Them Apart?

“Work work work work work...”

“Yeah, that's good. You don't have to sing the whole thing. That was nice.”

“Thanks. So are you coming to the show tonight? I have a bunch more mash-ups I've been working on.”

“Actually, this is all really new to me and I'm just kind of settling in...”

“Okay. Yeah, it can be weird at first. At least the robes are comfy but these winged backpacks take some getting used to. The fog should burn off by noon, then you'll get a good look at things. There are plenty of empty bunks, just ask around at any tent. The parade is at three. Potluck at seven. Voting starts tomorrow. There are no gods. And soon enough we'll be moving on to the next... phase? No, the next step, that's what we're calling it this time.”

“And what about the...?”

“Oh, the fluctuating energy circlets above our heads? Nobody knows. Probably alien AI. They don't do anything. Just ignore them.”

“Great. So which tent is for the hot people?”

Look At That Little Dipshit

“What...”

“I...”

“Sorry, go ahead.”

“No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.”

“I thought you were going to say something.”

“I thought you were going to say something.”

“Well, we seem to be caught in one of those moments.”

“Yes, I know what you mean. As if reality is breaking down somehow.”

“Exactly. The world seems fractured and crumbling.”

“But at least the social fabric has yet to break down.”

“Absolutely. Civilization remains.”

“No reason to give in to fear and madness.”

“We still have our humanity.”

“Hi, I'm a fire hydrant!”

“Shut the fuck up!”