Everyone

“Everyone? Really? Hang on, I have to do something. Your Honor? I move to dismiss this case.”

“On what grounds, counselor?”

“Hm? Oh, you mean me? Sorry, I forget there are different names for lawyers. I usually refer to myself as a lawyer, like if I'm meeting somebody, just to simplify. I met some people at lunch today, so 'lawyer' is kind of stuck in my head right now.”

“Just answer the question.”

“Oh, right. On what grounds? On the grounds that, these people behind me? They're staring at my client with their beady eyes, and honestly, they all look like idiots. They look like a bunch of assholes. They don't know what it's like to be a lawyer. They don't know anything about the prototype, or the status quo, or post-capitalism. Why are they even here? Why are you people here?! Don't you have something better to do?!”

“I agree. They look like a bunch of dipshits. Case dismissed.”

“Hey, we won! I think we won. Your Honor, did we win?”

“Yes. Fuck off.”

“Cool, cool. That was easy. I guess we can go. But I don't think you really mean everyone. That can't be right.”

Look At That Dude In The Street—What Is He Holding?

“It's like there's never enough time.”

“What? Oh, I guess so.”

“We're so busy I can't even take a breath. Build the prototype, deliver the prototype, steal the prototype, destroy the prototype, build a new prototype... How do they expect us to keep up this pace? The plan is going to ruin us. Something is going to break, I can feel it.”

“It will all be over soon enough.”

“I suppose. Anyway, I enjoyed having sex with your wife last night.”

“It was nice, wasn't it?”

“Maybe we can do it again sometime?”

“We'll see.”

I Would Be Interested In Ghost Trains

“Ghost train!”

“I have to tell you, Doctor, I actually have no interest in ghost trains.”

“Really? You're not the least bit interested in the phenomena?”

“No. Also, I'm not really injured, and I'm not developing a mummification fetish.”

“So you've been lying this whole time? Our previous sessions were meaningless?”

“Yes. I'm actually here to ask you about the prototype.”

“What do you mean? What does that have to do with me?”

“Cut the act, Doc. We know you helped develop it.”

“Who are you? Are you a cowboy?”

“No, but close. We're trying to make sure the prototype ends up in the right hands. So tell me, under the right settings, what is the optimal...”

“Ghost train!”

“Not again. Wait, where did you get that?”

“Ha ha! The prototype is fueled by ghost train technology! You should have been paying better attention!”

“Now, Doc, don't do anything crazy...”

“Too late! No, just kidding, this is harmless. It looks like our time is up. Would you like to schedule another session? We could discuss the notion of grandiose delusions.”

West Is Not West: A Lapsed Chronology

“I'm holding my hat!”

“I can hold my hat too!”

“Dammit, he's holding his hat. We'll never outperform these guys.”

“Don't pay any attention to them. Concentrate on the surrealism of the act. Being a cowboy means total dedication to the avant-garde.”

“But we're not even real cowb...”

“Shhh. Form signifies essence. Don't break character.”

“We're almost done anyway. We just have to make it across the border.”

“We're not done until the prototype is safely delivered.”

“But we're just decoys.”

“Decoys?! Did he just say they're decoys?! Turn around! We need to get back into town!”

“Dude, why did you say that? They were like five feet away!”

“I got caught up in the moment!”

“Excellent. You're growing as an artist. Now lasso me with this pink rope while I eat a plate of jelly beans.”

I'm Sure It's A Thing

“It's here. It's finally here! Oh boy, oh boy!”

“Cool it, Perkins. There are spies everywhere. Did you notice that lady in the elevator? She looked like a creative type to me.”

“You think she's not a banker? Wait, are we bankers or lawyers? I can't remember.”

“Quiet, you two. We have to deliver this thing. Come on.”

“Why are you going that way?”

“The meeting is down the hall.”

“No, we take it to the chairman first.”

“Guys?”

“What are you talking about? The meeting will start any minute now.”

“The chairman has to approve the prototype before we can present it at the meeting.”

“It's already been approved!”

“Guys?”

“No, it hasn't. The chairman himself told me he wants to inspect it first.”

“Why would the chairman talk to you? You're nobody!”

“Who are you?! I've never even seen you before!”

“Guys?”

“You're a spy! You're a dirty cowboy spy!”

“You're the spy! And probably a pirate!”

“Guys!”

“What?!”

“Does this case feel empty?”

“Oh shit. No, no, no, no. Unbelievable. They tricked us.”

“And guys? I remember now, we're bank lawyers. I think. That's a thing, right?”

He's Bald Under The Hat

“I see you've brought an oversized rug.”

“Yeah, it's pretty big.”

“Is there something special about this rug?”

“No, it's just all I had. Wait, what are we talking about?”

“Your rug.”

“Oh, right.”

“Because if it's an heirloom, or has sentimental value, or if it was the rug you were born on...”

“What?”

“Your birth rug.”

“Is that a thing?”

“Babies are born on rugs all the time.”

“Uh, this isn't my birth rug.”

“Did somebody die on the rug?”

“No.”

“Any life events at all on this rug? A wedding? Lose your virginity on it?”

“No. It's just a rug.”

“So you brought this in here and it's just an ordinary rug?”

“I first experienced the absurdity of existence on this rug!”

“Now we're talking.”

The Inevitable

“I feel like it's time to talk about Trump.”

“Huh?”

“Or maybe not. It's a lot to parse. Also, I've been avoiding topical subjects. I have a legacy to consider. Hey, are you doing okay there, kiddo? Want to trade shovels yet?”

“No!”

“Okay. But I would like to talk to you about human nature. And the nature of all things. And the one driving principle, which is variation. Endless variation. And variation is just a system for creating mistakes. Endless mistakes. Everything is a mistake. We are all mistakes.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, exactly. Broken pieces in a broken machine. Wow, look at that dog!”

“Where? No!”

“Let go of the shovel!”

“No!”

“Fine. But my point is... Uh, what was my point?”

“Don't be a sucker?”

“No, that's not it. I'll think of it later. Let's go back inside. The snow will melt sooner or later anyway.”