Cheeky

“Normally...”

“Do you...”

“Sorry, go ahead.”

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.”

“That's fine. What were you going to say?”

“It wasn't anything important. Please, continue.”

“Come on, you obviously wanted to say something.”

“I'm more interested in hearing what you have to say.”

“I can't even remember what it was now, so speak up, get it off your chest.”

“But it was nothing. I'm embarrassed to even mention it.”

“I think you have to. Actually, I insist. Say it.”

“I am going to respectfully decline.”

“Well, somebody has to say something. How are we going to move forward out of this ridiculous situation? We have to make a choice. I am going to be the interrogator. That's my choice. I will not stand down. You must be the confessor. You must. It's the only way. It's all up to you now. Speak. Speak!”

“Do you...”

“I changed my mind. I was going to say, 'Normally people are quick to point out other people's differences, but I say, who cares? Can't we evolve past that already?'”

“Do you think you could just shut up and play the game?”

This Is Probably A Little Angry

“Okay, I think that was a very good first session, I feel we've established a very good base on which to build. Would you agree?”

“But I'm still so sad.”

“Yes, we both agree that you are sad. Now, in the time before our next session, as an exercise, I would like you to think about the idea that you are old and stupid.”

“What?”

“Just the idea. Just entertain the possibility that it's true, as a therapeutic tool. You are old and stupid and a fucked-up asshole and a piece of shit.”

“Wait a minute...”

“Just think about it. Turn it over in your mind. I believe it will help. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to fuck off. I'll be stepping the fuck out of this insane delusion. No gods! No gods!”

100th Post! Can That Be True? I Guess So!

“I think you know where I'm going with this.”

“Yes, I do.”

“You seem a little disappointed.”

“I'm just tired. No, it's fine. It fits the occasion. Callbacks are good.”

“I suppose. Well, I'm a little disappointed. I thought there'd be more. I just wanted... say, could you slip your hand in and take over? I'm getting a cramp.”

“Sure.”

“Thanks. I just wanted to break some new ground, you know? Callbacks are okay, self-reference is okay, but what are we missing? I feel like there's this edge we should be exploring, but we're not approaching it at the right angle and we can't quite find it. Do you know what I mean?”

“What? Sorry, I was distracted by your harness. Is there a reason it's shaped that way?”

“Yes. Is that glass empty? Could you hand it to me? Okay. Okay. There, that's it. You can stop. Thank you.”

“No problem. Well, I'm not sure what you were expecting—it's only an anniversary for us. Anyway, I have get going, special meeting tonight. Don't wait up for me, dear.”

“Yeah, I might have a late night too, I think I'll circle the city and fight capitalism. See you in the morning, honey.”

The Salesmanship Is The Thing

“Helloooo! Can I ask you... oh, you don't have a mouth. Well, this is awkward.”

*Go on, ask.*

“Wow, telepathy! Sorry, I shouldn't have presumed anything. As I was saying, I'd like to ask...”

*Let me stop you right there. I perceive the question. I must decline, and I must ask you a question—how did it come to this? Where did it go wrong?*

“Am I at the right table?”

*Probably not. That's okay. If you'll excuse me, I was just leaving. I have some alcohol molecules to assimilate. Enjoy the mummery of late-stage capitalism!*

“Yes, thank you! She seems nice. Am I even at the right party? Did I overshoot the timeline again? This is getting so confusing. Still, I bet one of these ladies will be interested in my... oh, you're back!”

*Do you have a free sample?*

“Yes!”

Inopportune

“Don't let go!”

“I'm not!”

“It's slipping!”

“No it isn't!”

“I can see it slipping!”

“It's not slipping!”

“You should have tied it around your wrist!”

“I don't need to tie anything!”

“Your hand is getting sweaty!”

“Stop it!”

“A horse is coming!”

“It's fine!”

“Guns are dangerous!”

“I know!”

“Are you okay?!”

“I'm okay!”

“Are you?!”

“Yes!”

“So many things can go wrong!”

“All is predetermined!”

“What?!”

“I fucked your wife!”

“What?! Look out!”

Hello, Baseball Fans!

“I see it! I understand! Oh, hey, baseball dudes. I hope I'm not interrupting.”

“What happened to the ump?”

“Good question. He's probably fine. Wow, quite a crowd here tonight, eh? I didn't think anybody went to baseball games anymore. Isn't it a dying sport that nobody cares about?”

“Aw, man, you come in here and say these things?”

“Sorry, you're right, sorry. I'm not here to slam your ridiculous game. I'm here to make an announcement.”

“Well, you better hurry up, I see security coming.”

“Ooh, so they are. Actually, the announcement is for my own timeline. I have nothing for you guys. I just traveled here to see something for myself. And I was right! Anyway, I'll be going now. Good luck! Magic cloud, take me away!”

“Huh. You know, he's right—baseball is pretty lame.”

Or Some Sort Of Vegetables

“First of all, the water is going to spread over to my side anyway, and second, you don't have knives for fingers.”

“How do you know I don't have knives for fingers too?”

“Do you?”

“No.”

“So I have it worse.”

“I didn't mean it like it was a competition or something. This is bad all around. This is a bad nightmare.”

“Agreed.”

“So poorly executed.”

“Hacky.”

“And getting rained on all night is the worst.”

“Knives for fingers!”

“Our marriage is a sham! Ow!”