Who Wouldn't?

“Sorry it took so long to get this together.”

“Isn't it spring...?

“Shh. The sharks of truth are here, so...”

“Lake sharks...?”

“Shush! So why don't we begin.”

“Yeah, I've been waiting for this meeting for a long...”

“Nope. Not a meeting. We're not doing that.”

“Why, because the meetings lately have gone way off the rails?”

“Did you notice that too? Stupid aliens. Did you know that advanced meeting technology is an actual thing? Crazy. Anyway, we have to get back to basics. We have to simplify. So this isn't a meeting.”

“What is it then?”

“It's an informal, um...”

“Covert.”

“Covert, yes, an informal covert... happening?”

“Convergence.”

“I don't know...”

“Coven.”

“What?”

“Crucible.”

“Why are you saying these words?”

“Continuum.”

“It doesn't matter! We have important things to discuss.”

“Like the war?”

“Yes! And here's the thing—there is no war! There never was. We have never been at war. It's all a lie. We have to find out what they're distracting us from.”

“Cuntstorm! Ooh, the sharks liked that one.”

The Dog Is Appalled

“Your workers just left it here.”

“...”

“No, it happened about twenty minutes ago. It looks like it just happened, or like it's still happening, like it's about to crash into the couch, but if you look closely there's no real indication of movement.”

“...”

“That's not why I'm calling. Actually, I was wondering if we could keep it.”

“...”

“Just the ball. You can have the rope back.”

“...”

“Well, my husband wants it.”

“...”

“He... likes it. He can't take his eyes off it. Something about the roundness and the destruction... Look, when you've been married this long, anything than can spark a...”

“...”

“Oh! I had no idea.”

“...”

“That sounds reasonable. I'll let you know. Good-bye. They said we can rent it. Apparently this happens all the time. They even have a website, wreckthemballs.com. Did you want to...?”

“PREPARE YOURSELF, WOMAN!”

Robot Or

“It's usually around two hundred, but if you want something special it can go up to five.”

“What do you mean 'something special'?”

“Oh, you know, the sorts of things that don't normally happen.”

“Wait—did you say robot horse or robot whores?”

“Whores.”

“All right, now I'm confused. You're riding a robot horse...”

“Correct.”

“...and robot whores are a thing too?”

“Yes.”

“Are they made by the same company?”

“No, two different companies.”

“And those are the only two kinds of robots that exist?”

“Right, the field of robotics has only advanced in the areas of horses and whores.”

“Doesn't that seem like a misunderstanding?”

“I'm not sure what you mean.”

“Like these two companies were told to research the same thing but they heard it differently.”

“What?”

“Never mind. Angry horse, attack!”

Lies!

“Did you hear about the war?”

“What's that? A war?”

“Yes, the war. Didn't you go to the meeting?”

“What meeting?”

“Are you saying that nobody organized a meeting for your econosociospatial collective?

“I'm not even sure what you're talking about.”

“Unbelievable. We've given your planet all of our advanced meeting technology and you've barely started implementing it.”

“Hey, take it easy, buddy. I'm sure it will be fine. Maybe you could have a meeting about it.”

“I definitely will! I will start organizing... wait a minute. Is this an example of the human sense of humor?”

“Yeah, I'm just joking with you. Of course I was at the meeting.”

“Ha! Classic. How was the meeting?”

“It was great!”

“Excellent!”

“I mean, it went on a little too long, and it was kind of boring at times, but..”

“That happens. It's unavoidable, actually. To be honest, meetings are kind of bullshit. Don't tell anyone. They'll figure it on their own.”

Meetings Are Important

“Look closer.”

“What are we supposed to see?”

“Just be quiet for a second and look and think.”

“Are... are we in a cage and he's free?”

“What? No, that's stupid. He is definitely in a cage, but the cage is not what you think.”

“Ahh. The cage is his mind.”

“No.”

“The cage is society.”

“No.”

“The cage is precariously balanced on the branch and with the first strong breeze it will fall and, um, that's a metaphor for... life?”

“Look—the cage was put here deliberately, and that's because it's a message. And that message is... anybody have a guess? The message is war!”

“War?”

“War! We are at war! The next phase is here! Finally!”

“Who are we at war with?”

“Who? Haven't you been listening at the meetings? We have enemies everywhere! Everywhere! Why is one of you bigger than the others?!”

“Uh-oh.”

“A spy! Get him!”

“You'll never win!”

“Wow, look at him go.”

“Why didn't you guys attack?”

“I don't know, he seemed cool.”

“Oh, you thought he was cool? Well, watch what happens when I push the cage over.”

“No, wait... holy crap! It was a bomb?”

“Do you see what we're up against now?”

“We really should pay more attention at the meetings.”

More Meetings! Keep Them Coming!

“Oh man, this is going to be great!”

“I can't believe we're doing this! It's like a dream come true!”

“Awesome meeting so far, guys. So frickin' awesome.”

“Meeting! Wooo!”

“All right, guys, are we ready to kick this up a notch? Heck yes. The next order of business...”

“Actually, sorry, can we go back a second? Roger, did you say this was a dream come true?”

“Well, yeah!”

“Like an actual dream? While you're sleeping?”

“No, more like a daydream. As in, thinking of exciting new ways to run meetings.”

“So, no spiders?”

“Spiders?”

“Sometimes I dream about spiders.”

“Does anybody see any spiders? No? Okay, we're spider-free. Let's relax and get back to the meeting. Now, the next...”

“Sometimes I dream about a lake, and there are these huge fish in them, like these really long dinosaur fish swimming around and I'm fishing for them.”

“Sometimes I dream that I'm carrying a tiny, tiny baby...”

“No. No more dreams. We have to continue this meeting. Let's focus, people. We're down here for a reason, and that reason is... what was that?”

“What?”

“Did you see something moving?”

“No. Wait...”

“There it is!”

“I see it! I see it!”

“Meeting over! Everybody out! Go go go! No more meeting! No more dreams! We are being punished! Capitalism is a lie!”

Hand In Pocket Always Looks Wrong

“Why am I not bothered by this? I can perceive this as a horrific spectacle, and yet I feel nothing.”

“Kick one of them in the head.”

“What?”

“Pick one, give them a big kick in the face.”

“Is this a test?”

“Do you think this is a test?”

“You're fucking with me, which is a test. Haven't I passed them all so far? Do I still have to prove myself? By the way, I'm still touching my ween.”

“That was the test. You have passed.”