Combo

“Doc, are you going to kill me?”

“Whaaat? No.”

“But I can't seem to move, and these animals aren't moving, and you gave me those pills when I came in here, so it looks like you've drugged us all? And I see some knives on your desk.”

“Let me ask you a question – out of the living things in this room, if you had to choose one to die, which would you choose?”

“Uhh...”

“And it can't be me.”

“Wha...”

“And you have to eat it. It dies, it gets cooked up, then you eat it.”

“Only one of them?”

Cooking Intelligence Agency

“That's him. Just walked in.”

“Alone?”

“Looks like.”

“So somebody's late. Going to be a long night.”

“Could be worse. We could be stuck in a ridiculous restaurant.”

“Oh my god, can we find the owner and shoot him?”

“Bring out everybody involved in this place, line them up, pop pop pop.”

“Or slam their heads in these ovens.”

“Start a big grease fire, lock the doors. No, but seriously, violence never solves anything. Ooh, frittatas!”

Cthulhauto

“That's right, I made this. I'm a necromancer.”

“Hm. Okay.”

“Now I know what you're thinking – doesn't necromancy have to do with the dead? Well, it does and it doesn't. Let's just say, if you want to fuse body parts onto metal, necromancy is the best way to go.”

“All right. I'm just thinking, this doesn't seem very practical.”

“Oh, it's not practical at all. No, this is a terrible car. But that's not the point.”

“What is the point?”

“You see, this isn't a car showroom. We don't even sell cars. This is a showroom for our talents. Ed over there? He captures and utilizes elementals. Linda binds tree spirits. Bob is in touch with the Old Ones. We have a variety of disciplines that you can hire. It all depends on what you want.”

“We... well, we want a car.”

“Do you? Do you really? Those who seek cars do not end up here.”

“Uhh, well, this is going to sound weird, but, uh, we've been having visitations...”

“Now we're talking! Why don't you have a seat over here, I'll start you out on some forms, and I just have to talk to my boss, who resides beyond the earthly plane, so there's a fresh pot of coffee right here, and I'll be back in an unholy amount of time, okay? Great!”

Boom, Politics

“Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Mmmm... go ahead... mmmm...”

“Where did you get the idea of eating licorice fed to you from a fishing pole while standing in a lake?”

“Mmmm... not sure... mmmm... just seemed like good idea...”

“And we're doing it right? This is the scenario you wanted? With my ten year old son holding the rod, and with my legs squeezed behind the board like this?”

“Mmmm... yes, perfect...”

“Dad, this is weird...”

“I know. I know. Just think about the near future, when the oligarchy of the criminally wealthy will collapse under the weight of its own corruption and decadence.”

“Mm... what?”

“What? Nothing.”

Demolition Has Its Ups And Downs

“Do you like the The Big Lebowski?”

“Heck yeah, I love The Big Lebowski.”

“Yeah, it's pretty great. Okay, I guess I'll smash the building now.”

“Wait. What if we don't?”

“What?”

“What if we don't destroy this building? What if we... take it over!”

“What, like, buy it?”

“No, we just take it. We'll tell everybody that we destroyed it, but we'll secretly fix it up and open it again. Nobody will know!”

“I don't think that will work at all...”

“Okay, then we can buy it. Come on, we can get out of this crap job, be our own bosses!”

“But the building is condemned, nobody can...”

“How hard can it be to fix it up? It'll be great, we can redecorate it – we can give it a Big Lebowski theme! Or do you think that's too cliché? It probably is, yeah. Stupid idea. Actually, I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know the first thing about any of this. Stupid. Just smash it. Who cares.”

“All right. Do you want to do it? It always cheers you up.”

“No. Well, maybe. I guess so. Why not. Stupid bowling alley. Here we go. Swing the ball, and... oh man, I didn't even think about knocking down the pins first. This will be so great!”

Suburban Purgatory

“Oh no, we're definitely going to need to exchange insurance information.”

“Just so we're clear, are we accepting that this is happening? We are who we're supposed to be, we're committed to these characters and this situation?”

“Well, yes. The memo was clear.”

“Was it? The way I understood it, we have some breathing room, we're not locked in.”

“I don't know how you can interpret it that way.”

“Or that we can just bail completely. If we think the scene is kind of bullshit. Like now. Notice I'm slowly backing off.”

“No, what are you doing?”

“Bailing.”

“You can't do th...”

“Bailing!”

“I can't believe he did that. Great, now I have to talk to the pigs alone.”

What A Nightmare

“I... I'm cold. Why is it so cold?”

“Uhhhh... No. No! I'm not doing this.”

“I can't see you. Everything is dark.”

“No, I refuse to do this. Not even going to look. I'm just swimming into this corner. Not participating.”

“Help...”

“Jesus christ, you sick fucks! Do you hear me? I'm not going to be a part of this!”

“Hey! Hey. It's just a body suit. Come back. Look, a costume. I'm okay.”

“Is that supposed to be funny?! Where is the humor in this situation, huh?! Holy shit, what a nightmare.”

“Well, now that you mention it, there isn't much to work with. I guess we could just poop.”

“Poop?”

“Yeah, poop. Pooping is funny. You poop, then I poop.”

“You're going to poop?”

“Ghost poop.”

“I guess that's funny.”

“You take a big dump, a big cloud of poop, then I'll take a big poop, and we'll swim around and gasp and have big X's over our eyes and float away.”

“All right. I mean, if it means we can wrap this up. Listen, sorry I lost it back there, I...”

“POOP NOW!”