Maybe I Can't Do Better

“Listen, before you say anything, I know it's not my best work, but... actually, maybe it is, maybe it's sadly the best I can do. Do you ever get the feeling that we're all pretending?”

“...”

“Pretending that we know what we're doing! Faking our way through this nonsense.”

“...”

“No, everybody! Every single person in the world. Following rules as if they aren't shared delusions.”

“...”

“No, I'm fine, it's okay. I'm just tired. I'm just questioning everything. Like, why do I own such a small television? Why are animals getting so big? Why is my erotic fiction falling so flat lately?”

“...”

“That's kind of you to say. Give me a couple days for a rewrite. I can do better.”

“...”

“Thank you. Okay, I have to go. I have to drop the shade and jerk one out.”

Choose Wisely

“I hate these things. Look at them. Stupid birds. Stupid stinky birds. Can't you smell them? They smell like garbage. Stupid, ugly - that one is staring right at you! Doesn't that freak you out? Maybe it will bite your head off. I'm going inside. You can clean up the mess. And if they kill and eat you, I'm not going to clean it up.”

“Dude, what's up with your wife?”

“You realize you guys are monsters, right? But don't mind her, she doesn't know. Have you guys eaten enough yet? Are you ready to tell me your secret?”

“Uh, maybe tomorrow. We're going to go eat some rocks and digest this, and then get some sleep, and we'll see how full we feel tomorrow. Does that sound ok, dummy?”

“What?”

“Buddy? Is that okay, buddy? Okay. We're taking off. See you tomorrow. Bye-bye.”

“Stupid birds. I should have fed the giant squirrel instead.”

Wrap Of The Titans

“Myeaah. Myeaaah.”

“What are you doing?”

“Guess.”

“I don't care. Do you have the A5-RH footage up? At 5:11, what is he holding?”

“Uhhhh, hang on... a burrito.”

“A breakfast burrito?”

“Sure.”

“Could it be a veggie wrap?”

“Sure.”

“I hate this so much. We're kept in the dark but we have make a record of every single detail?”

“Don't worry. Nobody cares about what we're doing.”

“Oh yeah? I have the feeling they're watching us pretty closely.”

“Myeaah.”

“Liam Neeson.”

“Yes!”

Awesome Party

“Oh god, where did I end up now? What happened? Am I too late? Sir, what day is this?”

“Sunday.”

“The day of the month?”

“The 20th."

“Which month?”

“...July.”

“And the year?”

“Really?”

“Yes, please!”

“2014.”

“Huh. I didn't travel at all. This looks like my block. Yeah, that's my building. And this is the car we trashed last night, after the party. And this time machine just looks like a hair dryer now. I'm starting to think that the past is immutable!”

Maybe Dorothy Is The Dumb One

“Hey! I'm Captain Ahab.”

“Oh! I'm sorry, I'm afraid I only glanced at you. I thought you were a guard. I thought you were holding, uh, one of those weapons guards hold. You know? What are they? Anybody? Anyway, sorry Captain.”

“Pike?”

“What?”

“Polearm? Halberd? Halt, who goes there!”

“Oh, Scarecrow. You so dumb. Captain, did you want anything from us? Or are you just standing there like an idiot far from any ocean? Yes? Okay, we got to go. We're off! No, guys, walk like this. Oh my god.”

Not You, Floor Lamp

“Just because we've moved into a new house, that doesn't mean anything has changed in this family.”

“We both still love you very much.”

“We do. There is nothing to be worried about. So you should let us down.”

“Look, we know.”

“Yes. We know that dogs are intelligent beings who can talk and apparently have psychokinetic powers.”

“We didn't know that.”

“That was less well known. Or maybe unknown. But the talking thing was clear.”

“At least some dogs can talk.”

“Right, there are many who have refused to talk, or are unable to talk.”

“But some can talk. At least a few.”

“Talking dogs exist. This we know. So if you could talk to us, and let us know what you're feeling, and maybe let us down, that would be great.”

“Unless you can't talk.”

“Unless you can't, which means... what does that mean?”

“Lamp, just because we've moved into a new house...”

The Dog Said That

“What do you think they're doing right now?”

“Somebody's probably proposing something. I wish I could propose something.”

“Do you think Mindy is there?”

“Who?”

“From Accounting. Long brown hair?”

“Everyone is there. Except us. Stupid special project...”

“Do you know her?”

“Know who?”

“Mindy! I've only talked to her a couple of times. How do you know if a girl likes you?”

“Oh god.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“No, sorry, I'm being a dick. Hey, yeah, I know Mindy. And you know what, I think she does like you. Why wouldn't she? Every girl considers introverted, anxious, useless man-boys as prime relationship material!”

“Thank you, gentlemen, that concludes the current test. For the next test, a siren will sound at random intervals. And begin.”