Monday, June 9, 2014

It Looks Like Giving Up


“I had to get closer because a fence was obscuring the view, so I... oh for goodness sake, what are you doing with your hand?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Seriously, what do you have in your pocket?”

“Nothing! Okay, fine, here.”

“What on earth is that?”

“It's a...”

“If I can have everyone's attention, the presentation will start now, please take your seats. Dr. Litchfield will read from his essay The Limits of Imagination: Failure and Abandonment in Art of the 21st Century.”

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Warning Or Challenge?


“Getting angry isn't going to change the situation.”

“But what the fu-”

“No. We're not doing that anymore.”

“Who says?”

“If you would look at item four on the paper you are holding...”

“Oh. Great. All right, Mister Tightpants, then tell me this – how do they expect... okay, they explain that here. But what are we supposed to... they cover that too. Hmm. I'm going to have to read this whole thing.”

“Yeah, you do that. And try to not watch me as I leave.”

Monday, June 2, 2014

That Is Part Of The Standard Deal


“No, pianist. Pi-a-nist. A tiny... oh, I get it. Lame. What? Go fuck yourself.”

“What did he say?”

“Fuck you. Get the hell out of here. I don't need this crazy shit.”

“All right, buddy, take it easy. Say, could I get some help with this piano?”

“Oh, jesus. All right, give me a second, I need to get a drink. Hey, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I don't know why I've been so angry lately.”

“Something on your mind?”

“I keep thinking about meetings. No, I keep thinking about one meeting. That first one. Everything has gone wrong since then.”

“What meeting was this?”

“It was last year, it was secret, it's hard to describe but it was supposed to be ground-breaking. World-changing.”

“I think I know the meeting you're talking about. I was there.”

“You were?”

“I was playing. Don't you remember the music?”

“Oh shit, there was piano music. I didn't even see you.”

“So what went wrong?”

“That's the thing, I'm not sure. Everyone was in agreement, there was a plan, there were different phases. Didn't it seem like a good meeting?”

“Don't ask me, I'm just a musician. If you could do it again, what would you change?”

“Oh, I've thought about that, believe me. There are all kinds of things that could have been done differently.”

“So redo the meeting.”

“What?”

“Get everybody back together, reboot.”

“That's crazy. Is that even possible? It would take a lot of work. Wow, maybe we could. Wow. I have to make some calls.”

“Just one thing to consider – maybe you underestimated how weird things would get. Like, deeply weird. It's the nature of the players involved. Weirder than you would ever think, and you can't rationalize it, can't ignore it, you have to accept it for what it is.”

“Who are you?”

“Me? Nobody. I'm the piano player. And, woo, look at the time, I have to be going. Say, before I go, do you want to see my dick?”

Saturday, May 24, 2014

But Not Hung Up On Looks Apparently


“This is really awkward, but I wanted you two to meet so that...”

“What is he doing with his arms?”

“Uh, let's see. Double guns? Pew pew? I think he's nodding. I'm getting really good at this!”

“He doesn't talk?”

“No, never. Anyway, I thought...”

“Why does he have a briefcase?”

“I don't know, he grabbed it on the way out. Oh, okay. Here we go, open and... a present! For him? For you, here you go. Open it, let's see! He is so thoughtful. Beef jerky! I mentioned once that you like beef jerky, isn't that amazing? So thoughtful.”

“Yeah, thanks. Look, I have to say, I don't see the point to this. If you're leaving me for him, just do it. I don't need to know the details. I knew this was coming, our marriage was falling apart, I've accepted it, I'm fine with all of this, really.”

“He has an enormous cock!”

“Oh boy.”

“Sorry. Why did I say that? Maybe it was a mistake coming here. We should leave. Yes, let's go. I'll pick up my things tomorrow. Goodbye.”

“Duke, you can come out from under there now. That is some fucked up shit, isn't it?”

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Zombies Are Total Bullshit


“So if corpses start rising and walking around, why would they necessarily be aggressive? Why assume they become killers?”

“I don't know, so they can spread the zombie virus?”

“Is it a virus? A virus that kills a living person and animates a dead person? And couldn't it spread by touch, or a sneeze?”

“I don't know! What do you want from me?”

“Sorry, I didn't mean to take it out on you. This was supposed to be a nice weekend. Seems like everything went bad after I made these cookies. Stupid fucking cookies. Why did I make them, look at how fat I'm getting. I don't know why you're still with me. You should just let me die. Better for everybody.”

“Puuusssssyyy...”

“Hey! Not cool. I'm adding that to the list of why zombies are bullshit.”

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Age Is Wasted On The Aged


“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Why are you playing your guitar?”

“No reason. Do you like it?”

“I guess? I don't know.”

“It's not the sound that's important, it's the attitude. Strike a pose. Command the room. All eyes on me.”

“Where's Mom?”

“She left early. You wouldn't know this, but I had it all when I was younger. Looks, hair, style. Oh the women. They were falling all over me.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Then it was gone. So quickly. Like it was nothing. Like I'm nothing. Time is a bitch. Get up! GET UP! It's a new day! Don't waste it! Or do waste it! I don't know! I haven't figured it out yet! There are no rules and consequences are arbitrary! Dance, or go to school, or kill the neighbors, I don't care! Do nothing and defy everything! It doesn't matter! Breakfast in five. I have to get to work. Good talk. Love ya, honey!”

“...fucked up shit...”

“What?”

“Nothing!”

Monday, May 12, 2014

Godzilla Is Done With It



“IT'S OVER.”

“Aaaand it's over. Finally. That was a long meeting. Anyway, good job everybody. I'll see you all tomorrow.”

“But... what?”

“We're done for today. Go home, rest up, we have a big day tomorrow.”

“But... okay. Wow, that was weird! Right? No? I'm okay. No, I'm fine.”

“Sir, what's next?”

“We'll cover that tomorrow.”

“It's just that there's been no word. Why hasn't it been previewed?”

“That's intentional. We'll cover that in the next meeting. Good night everyone.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“Good night, sir.”

“...Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Shh. I know what's coming next.”

“What? How?”

“I peeked. Don't tell anyone.”

“So what is it?”

“It's... it's hard to explain. It seems a bit strange.”

“Really?”

“You know, sarcasm doesn't translate... never mind. I'm just saying it might be unusual. Out of character. Maybe. There have been a few intimations in the past. Moments of inappropriateness. Do you remember? Something like that, but more. I think that's what's coming.”

“Wow, you're a big help.”

“Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself?”

“What?”

“Oops, I think it's starting.”