Mismanaged Furniture Budget

“I've never seen a pillow this big.”

“Do you like it?”

“No. It's kind of weird. And this mattress... You know, I think I'll be going.”

“You don't have to!”

“No, I think I should I go. I have an early morning tomorrow.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be sorry. I had a good time. You seem like a great guy, and your podium is super sexy, I just have a lot of things going on in my life, and, well, you know. Goodbye.”

“Dammit. I was ready for another question.”

Butt-Rubbing Curtains

“Get down, I'll handle this.”

“Those aren't bullets, are they? I can see them flying through the air. Hey, they're gumdrops! Look!”

“Did you just eat one?”

“No. Who's shooting gumdrops into your window anyway?”

“Get down!”

“But look at the angle – this is the ground floor and they're shooting up? A person would have to be two feet tall to shoot at that angle.”

“Get away from the window!”

“Gnomes! Adorable little gnomes with slingshots. What is going on here?”

“They're... hallucinations?”

“Oh, come on.”

“Fine. They're gnomes. But what do you think is going on here?”

“Well, they seem angry.”

“Why would you say they're angry?”

“Because... wait a minute, are you using this as part of my therapy? Is this all staged?”

“This is real! Just like your relationship with your mother!”

“Give me the gun! Aaaaah!”

Not The Worst Registration Process

“Oh! I didn't see you standing there. Welcome, welcome. Can I get your name?”

“Robert Rogers.”

“Ooh, that's a good one. I'm sure your parents were doing the best they could. Now let me just write it down... oh shoot, looks like my quill needs sharpening. Such a bother. How are you doing, are you doing okay?”

“Yes, I'm okay. Can I ask you...”

“...about my quill? It is a fine one, isn't it? Take a look. I won't tell you where I got it, I'm afraid the upper management wouldn't be too pleased if they heard about it, if you know what I mean.”

“What?”

“Never mind, I almost have it sharpened. There, look at that tip. You can scribe all day and all night with that tip. I'll just write down your name...”

“I just wanted to ask you...”

“Unfortunately quills are in short supply these days, especially ones of these quality. The waiting list is obscenely long. I tend to get preferred customer status, wink wink, but still, so hard to come by. And there, your name is in the book. Or scroll, technically, but whatever. Everything's in order. Do you have any questions?”

“No. No questions. Do I go through the gates now?”

“Well you're not going over them.”