That Tumblr Really Is Good

“I told him, why does it matter? It doesn't have anything to do with you!”

“And how does... damn... does he respond?”

“Oh, he just mopes. It took him by surprise, I guess, but he should have expected it. He wants to be unique. And he thinks the blog is better than his.”

“And how do you feel... come on, are you kidding me?... how do you feel about Suck My Dick, New Yorker Caption Contest?”

“What, me? I don't know about these things. I told him he should caption something else, if it bothers him so much, but he said he doesn't know if that's like giving up. The thing is, I don't know if anybody is even reading his blog. I don't think he knows either, or how much it matters to him. I don't know, he's hard to understand.”

“What do you think... yes, yes... you should do... nice... about this situation?”

“I have no idea. Nothing? It's his problem. He should be here talking to you. You know what? He should move on. Try something different. Is he even happy with these cartoons? I mean, look, three guys watching football in a psychiatrist's office? What are you supposed to do with that? Oh, and you can suck my dick.”

It Does Sound Nice

“Well, I'd like to start this meeting by, um, deciding what goes on during a meeting. Anyone? Just a basic outline. Something we can use as a guide.”

“Sir, when you hired us, you knew we didn't have any experience.”

“But surely some of you have been to a meeting before. Yes? No? No one? Okay. We can work through this. I feel like we should be discussing business. We should have a business talk. Now, what kind of business are we?”

“Aren't we a bank?”

“Yes, that's right. So we should talk about money. Investments and loans and other things.”

“Allocation of funds.”

“What did you say?”

“Allocation of funds?”

“I'm writing that down. Allocation of funds. Very good. Sounds nice. So, how much money do we have? Anyone?”

“I think that, sir, because we just started, we don't have any money yet.”

“Ah, so we're waiting for people to deposit money. Well, that should be our first agenda then. And I believe I will put you in charge of that. Actually, this will be simple – you will be in charge of deposits, you'll be in charge of loans, you'll be in charge of investments, and of course you will be in charge of allocation of funds. How does that sound? Everybody okay with that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Excellent. We're making progress. Now I think the next agenda should be, uh, to figure out how to end this meeting. We can discuss any ideas anyone has. Because I feel like it might be a problem.”

Sticky Chaps

“Hold-up? Are we here to break the law?”

“No, I said, what's holding us up?”

“These things don't move, we're not exactly going anyplace.”

“No, I mean, how are we attached... Wait, these things don't move? We can move. You just rock it side to side. There you go. Easy. Careful. Whoa, hard to steer.”

“Are we supposed to be doing this?”

“If nobody tells us the rules, are there any rules to speak of?”

“Just feels peculiar, is all.”

“Stay if you want. I'm going looking for some answers. Number one, how to get off.”

“Keep rocking it, I reckon. Hang on, I'm coming too. Sorry.”

You Should Try It Sometime

“I'm so glad you showed up. Aren't you going to need a straw?”

“Well, yeah, I guess. Or...”

“Hi, excuse me? Could I get a straw?”

“...I could lift up the... No, all right.”

“Thank you. There you go.”

“Right. That works. Thanks.”

“Now, you said we met before?”

“Once. Briefly. I'm sure you wouldn't remember me.”

“You don't seem familiar at all.”

“I don't think we even said hi. It was one of those round of introductions, you know. A flurry of names.”

“Okay, good. Perfect, actually. Yes, I think this will fit perfectly. Should I just get to it?”

“Sure.”

“This is the map. This is the key. This is the message. This is the package. Now this, you hold it like this and press this stud. But only at the last moment. That's the most important thing. Only at the very last moment.”

“Can ask I you something?”

“Yes.”

“Where did you get this bag, a farmer's market? It smells amazing.”

Rumours

 

“Is that what you were talking about?”

“Oh, yeah, that's one example. He says that when he looks up he feels like he'll float away. Or that he'll float for a while, then forget how and drop like a rock. Then the feeling started happening in his house. So he decided to do this and not go outside. But he's not a hoarder or anything. It's very sparse inside actually. No furniture. He likes to be close to the floor. Be careful about the birds. They're small and don't have cages. There was something else. I can't remember. We won't be in long anyway. Don't ask any questions, just let him talk.”

“And you're sure he knows where the next meeting will take place?”

“Fleetwood Mac. Always playing in the background. No, I'm not sure.”